Nights like this...

If only the sound of rain could quite the strom going on in my mother's mind. I wish I could say or do something to take away those dreams that give her nightmares. Most will recognize when their dreaming, but I am quickly learning with mother, she doesn't know a dream from reality.

It is happening more with her crying out, painful moans and yelling. I whisper a prayer for her and things quite down quickly. However, a few nights ago was the first time she woke up thinking she needed to do something to keep us safe.

Since staying with my mother, I have become a light sleeper and thankful for floors that are creaky. It's my alarm alerting she is up and moving. At least she has doctors that I can message about things and this is very new and I will need more advice as to what to do for her. I know they want her to have good sleep and she has, but lately her sleep has been interrupted and not taking a nap means she is exhausted at bed time.

I know how it feels trying to get restful sleep when exhausted...you can't. I spent a year on nights, 12 shifts and I felt like I was drunk every single day! It was my doctor who was concern about my extremely low blood count. When I told him my situation, he told me that I was suffering from exhaustion and all I was doing was passing out every morning when I went to bed. When my doctor told me, if I were in an accident and got cut, I wouldn't make it. Trust me, that was my last time working nights!

That is my biggest fear, if my mother does not get the proper sleep her body needs, her mind wouldn't be able to function enough to keep her stable.

Dementia sucks...

Something is happening...

This illness will have you seeing all types of doctors. We recently saw a neurologist, and I knew they take care of the brain and knows how it functions and so forth. While discussing mother, I learned one of her medications they like to give it to them at night. Why? Because they want them to sleep all night, and I am all for that! Actually, resting is the best thing for them too.

One of the side affects is hallucinations with that particular medications.  I was giving it to her at noon, and let me tell you, sundowning is no joke and mother already has hallucinations, well I felt it did nothing to calm them, but made them worst. So once I started giving it to her at night, the level was lower with the hallucinations.  I wish they would just go away, but unfortunately, it is a part of the disease.

For one week of her taking this medicine at bedtime, I am sleeping better and feel more relaxed until these last two days. I guess she's making up for the little hallucinations she had this past week. Nothing I say is satisfying to her. Once again, I am wrong about everything. I have to do my best to calm myself so that I don't yell, because loud noises is not good for them either. Yes, it is just like dealing with a child when she is sundowning heavily.

However, the week of it all being mild and going to bed at a decent hour, I would love for it to stay that way, but the reality is, it won't.  No one should have to live with this debilitating disease. The type that has no cure and will eventually end their life. My prayer is that my mother doesn't leave her, not knowing who I am. But what I am experiencing with her now, I'm afraid that she won't. So I will leave it in God's hand.

Every little bit helps....

Oh, so we just going to continue this...

Yesterday and today, really made me want to up and leave. Of course my conscience won't let me, but when she get up, with the same crap she went to bed with, and I only got 3 hours of sleep, yeah I want to get the hell out of here!

To be honest, things have not been good since after her eye doctor appointment.  So I am running on fumes!! Then I have people telling me how tired I look, and turn around and say, "you need to take care of yourself". Like I don't know that, but do they offer to give me a break so that I can? Hellnaw!!! 

People just think I can drop everything and go take a nap, or go where I want, when I want. It's obvious they have no clue about dementia! Hell I don't either and each day you don't know what person is going to show up. Like this morning, the person that went to bed last night, got up this morning, a bit calmer and nicer, but still talking the stuff she was last night, and none of it made sense.

I am glad she went to bed at her normal time tonight and I got a chance to relax a bit before I go to bed. I am going to do my best to be in bed by a certain time, when she is good for the most part. I just pray, I get some help sooner than later.

I so need some rest...

What is it really...

I now wonder what I need to do to keep my mind healthy. Right now, my mother has no appetite,  so she is eating one meal a day. I believe the change in dosage of one of her medications is the cause. But looking at the side affects, it should increase her appetite! So what the hell is it then?

On the other hand, yesterday she actually ate more then she has been in the past 3 days. I guess they go in cycles of different behaviors. But it dawn on me, I need to keep Ensure for her, when she isn't eating, and when she is. To be honest, she eats like a bird, so I know she isn't getting the nourishment her body really needs, as well as resting it too.

It is like dealing with a 2 year old at times. She was in panic mode all of a sudden. In her mind, she thought we were going somewhere and I never told her that. All I did was give her an Ensure, and everything went downhill from there. It went from thing to another, and where her mind went, I needed to shut it down as quickly as it began.  I got her to lay down on the couch while I sat at one end. Can you believe she went right to sleep!  I hope I won't have to do this everyday! 😳

This disease is so cruel to them and their love ones. I have seen how napping helps her, and I hope it does this time around. It helps to give an already shrinking brain, a time to rest and reset. Each time, I think about myself and what I need to do, to keep my brain healthy, there is one thing I wish I had right now....someone to help and love me when this is all over!

I too need help...

Sleep, just want to sleep...

First off, if you find yourself caring for someone with Dementia 24/7, you can forget about sleep....at least that is how it is for me. See, I am a sleeper. I love to sleep, I love 8 to 10 hours of sleep a night. I'll be happy with 7 and a half, but living with my mom, I haven't been well rested for 8 months now.

So now, with the help of medication along with melatonin, she is getting plenty of sleep, so you would think I can too, but I can't seem to do that. I know it is because of the unknown. Early on, she would have nights where she got up in the middle of the night thinking it was morning.  Let me tell you, it was always at the times where we had somewhere to go the next morning.  

So guess what, because of that, this sound heavy sleeper, has become a light one, and I find myself checking on her whenever loud cars drive by, or the neighbors playing their music loud, and let's not mention fireworks!! The 4th of July was crazy, and scared my mother so badly, to the point she thought someone was trying to kill her!! 😢 And me, I didn't get much sleep that night either!

I thought about taking a melatonin, but I am afraid I may sleep too soundly and would miss something with her during the night. Then their are those who say, "Just take a nap when she does". Yeah right!! She has never been one to nap, so I can count on one hand how many times that has happened!!

Until I can get real help, someone(s) that are willing to give me a few hours break, I will just be sleep deprived for a long time.

Zzzzzzz...

Just thinking...

I was talking with someone and they said that it seems, cancer and dementia is run rampant in this day and time. Maybe it is, or maybe we just didn't notice until it came knocking on our door. Ny mother, who is the sweetest and most caring person I know, to have to live her final days in a world of confusion, agitation, hallucination, and so much more, is not fair!

Then I had to start looking deeper. As I look back over moments of life, I come to realize, that she lived in a world of fear and worry. A lot had happened in her life, and I realize she was hiding a lot from us. I can only imagine how much of a toll it took on her mind. I know stress and worry is a big problem and it has created mental health problems for so many.

I was telling them about I am what they call a "rainbow" baby now days. And when I looked back over the years, I just thought all that allowing me to enjoy my youth, came with a cost for her, and that is worrying about me out there enjoying my youth.

Of course parents are going to worry about their children, but when the worry continues to grow as they age into adults and beyond, I now see that became a problem. To be honest, I stop living life in my 50's because of the excessive worrying my mother was doing. Sounds crazy doesn't it? And now, here I am, 65 living with my mother, because her mind has been damaged of not taking proper care of it. She allowed the constant worrying about me, my brother and my son, to put her mind into a world of chaos.

I had decided some years ago, once I realized the level of her worrying, to only share what is necessary for her to know. Because when she knows to much, she takes it on as her own and use so much energy worrying about it, when we don't worry that much about it, because we're working to work it out.

So now, we must think before we speak. If there are problems, we keep it amongst us. Right now, a close family friend, one of her best friends, has gone on to glory. But we can't tell her. Granted, she had not talked to her in months, so the dementia helps in this case, because it's like they say, "out of sight, out of mind", and I know she will remember her, if I were to mention her name. But I know her reaction to the news, send her into a state of confusion, which brings on other negative reactions.

So please, take care of your mental health. Your mind needs rest, food and water. Don't let worry and fear take over!

Live life..

2 and a half hours...

You don't know the hell I was going through the past 5 days.  The one thing I know about this disease,  is that sleep helps the mind, and that is the same for all of us!! When the mind is tired, you mess up, and tell me I'm lying!  However, the difference between a healthy mind and one with Dementia, is that the person with a healthy mind, will shut it down and get some rest. My mother doesn't recognize that. She doesn't recognize when she is tired to the point of exhaustion.

Today, she napped for 2 1/2 hours and I managed to get 1 1/2 hour nap, the first nap in I don't know when. But the good thing for my mother, she went back to sleep, 4 hours later. My prayer is we continue this for awhile. Have you ever tried to function tired, when you're old? I'm 65 years old, and this is a lot on me. I now have to make sure to exercise my mind in some way.

I know, you probably thinking why I am excited over a nap? If you have never been in my shoes, you wouldn't understand.  See, I am a sleeper naturally.  I am use to getting up around 9am or 10am. Now I am waking up when my mother start moving around. I'm not going to tell you what time that is. But someone told me they can't understand why I just can't take a nap when I want too.  Would you go to sleep on someone who is hallucinating about wanting to go home, or trying to go out the door, because they are seeing someone outside to pick them up, and there's no one there? No, you can't turn your back on a person suffering from dementia.

Right now, I should be asleep, but I just needed to write this. I love my sleep, but I hate what my mother is going through,  so I will do what I can, to see that my mother needs are met.

Sleep does a mind good...

The 4th of July...

Before the dementia diagnosis, my mom was already scared of thunder storms and fireworks, more so as she got older. And now around 3:30am, somebody decided to fire off some fireworks that sounded like we were under attack, and it hurt my heart to hear my mother crying and calling for someone to come help her. She thought someone was shooting at her 😭 Then a few hours later, a thunderstorm came though.

Trust me, I am extremely tired and praying she will take a long nap.  But I really would like to know,  what goes on in these people minds, that fire off these things early in the morning and pretty much all day long! Grant it, I know they aren't aware of what I have to deal with, and if they knew, they wouldn't care.

Sad that people now days have no respect for people or life, and especially for those who are sick.  To hear the fear in her voice was so unnerving for me and trying to calm her wasn't too difficult. But none of this should have happened in the first place.

Yes, fireworks are illegal in the city, and has been for years, but they don't do anything about it. I am already thinking about New Years eve and how crazy that gets. I now know I have to prepare for a long night and I'm thankful it is during the week and not the weekend.

So now, I am praying the she will sleep through the madness tonight. There has been firecrackers going off, off and on today.  She has been pacing back and forth and she decided to take a nap on her own. So that is a step in the right direction.   But you know what's really crazy, these people actually shoot off fireworks year round!! And mother would always ask, "what was that?". It's like every little sound scares her.  And let's not mention cars/trucks with extremely loud music (if you want to call it that) driving through or parked or someone playing it loud from their property. 

When will the madness end...

Living Nightmare...

I have had a few nightmares in my life, both during the day and at night.  But living with someone going through dementia, is worst. Why? Because you don't know what is coming your way, the good, the bad and the ugly. Trust me, all 3 can appear at once and at any giving time.

We have had our own mood swings, and pretty much be able to change it or go lay down. But now after 7 months, I come to learn, it's not the case with a mind being destroyed by a disease, especially one that has no known cure. 

Now that I know what will dictate how the day will go, I tried to head it off before it happens.  One thing I have come to learn, my mother needs a 2 hour nap, in order to let her mind rest and reset. Anything less, yes, it is a nightmare.  And today, there was no nap. We were back to "I want to go home". Like the other day, I asked her, where do she think she is. Today she didn't know. Yes, it got to the level that pushes me to a breaking point.  I find myself yelling, screaming and more at my mother. Do I feel bad afterwards,  most times no! I know that isn't good, but when you have a person yelling at you and don't know who you are, it hurts!!

This went on until she settled down a bit. When she finally decided to go to bed, that's when I realized, she wasn't seeing me as her daughter. I have such a hard time getting pass that!  I don't like scary movies, but this is one that I need it to end. 

My life is not my own...

Reminder to self...

In Honor of someone you know or knew who has dementia. In Honor of all those I know and love and lost who are fighting Dementia/Alzheimer’s.

1a. Every time you enter the room announce yourself. “Hi Mom- it’s Margaret.”
NEVER ask-  Do you know who I am???  That causes anxiety.

1.  If I get dementia, I want my friends and family to embrace my reality.

2.  If I think my spouse is still alive, or if I think we’re visiting my parents for dinner, let me believe those things. I’ll be much happier for it.

3.  If I get dementia, don’t argue with me about what is true for me versus what is true for you.

4.  If I get dementia, and I am not sure who you are, do not take it personally. My timeline is confusing to me.

5.  If I get dementia, and can no longer use utensils, do not start feeding me. Instead, switch me to a finger-food diet, and see if I can still feed myself.

6.  If I get dementia, and I am sad or anxious, hold my hand and listen. Do not tell me that my feelings are unfounded.

7.  If I get dementia, I don’t want to be treated like a child. Talk to me like the adult that I am.

8.  If I get dementia, I still want to enjoy the things that I’ve always enjoyed. Help me find a way to exercise, read, and visit with friends.

9.  If I get dementia, ask me to tell you a story from my past.

10.  If I get dementia, and I become agitated, take the time to figure out what is bothering me.

11.  If I get dementia, treat me the way that you would want to be treated.

12.  If I get dementia, make sure that there are plenty of snacks for me in the house. Even now if I don’t eat I get angry, and if I have dementia, I may have trouble explaining what I need.

13.  If I get dementia, don’t talk about me as if I’m not in the room.

14.  If I get dementia, don’t feel guilty if you cannot care for me 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. It’s not your fault, and you’ve done your best. Find someone who can help you, or choose a great new place for me to live.

15.  If I get dementia, and I live in a dementia care community, please visit me often.

16.  If I get dementia, don’t act frustrated if I mix up names, events, or places. Take a deep breath. It’s not my fault.

17.  If I get dementia, make sure I always have my favorite music playing within earshot.

18.  If I get dementia, and I like to pick up items and carry them around, help me return those items to their original place.

19.  If I get dementia, don’t exclude me from parties and family gatherings.

20.  If I get dementia, know that I still like receiving hugs or handshakes.

21.  If I get dementia, remember that I am still the person you know and love.”

22. If I get dementia, please make a memory board of pictures with names so when people visit I will know they're friends or family so I don't get frightened by a "new" face.

Love always...

Sundowning 101...

In the world of Dementia,  there is a thing called "Sundowning".  What is it? Google says this, "Sundown syndrome, also known as sundowning, is a set of dementia-related symptoms that can include increased confusion, agitation, and anxiety in the late afternoon or early evening. It's not a disease, but a neurological phenomenon that can occur at any stage of dementia, though it's more common in the later stages". And for more information,  just visit the Alzheimer Association website.

For the past week or so, my mother has been in a state of sundowning and I know when it is going to happen. I did my best to keep it at bay, and do some things to help redirect her recently.  But of course, her stubborn, independent self, fight me on just about everything, and I have to live in hell pretty much every day!

Of course, after talking to her doctor and added a second dose of a medication she is already taking, things has not improved.  I had another day of staying up well over 12 hours. This time it was 18 and a half hours and  watching her through the camera,  it hurt my heart, to watch her in a state of confusion, but yet stubbornness. Crazy part is, there are days that things are almost normal,  and once you start putting your guard down, boom...back in the land of confusion and chaos!

And now today, I call it a meltdown because when she spends to much time changing clothes first thing in the morning, confusion follows right between. I was thinking it was because of the weather,  but now I see it's totally something else. She had two pretty good days, but last night after sleeping for an hour,  she got up like it was morning, changed her clothes and everything.  This was at 8:15 pm.  So her sleep was interrupted, not enough for the rest of the night and 2 hours changing clothes, does not make for a good morning.  I got to make changes to bring her confusion down, so I can get rid of the stress in my body.

Need a hard reset...

It's always something...

Mom started a new way to take a current medication.  It is much easier, but of course, it takes a bit longer for the new dose to get into her system.  So with that being said, she started the medication a week ago and of course things had been out of whack.

Sunday, she was up for 20 hours, and so was I.  Worst part, she pretty much stayed in a state of confusion that day, and I was exhausted to the point that all I did was cry that day.

So at one point, I said screw it. I went to bed and left her sitting up downstairs. Now don't get it twisted, I do have a couple of cameras to monitor her.  Of course once she went to bed, I had to go back down and redo what she undid.

Thank God for the online support group on social media, for now I don't feel all alone with some of the things I been going through with her.  I'm learning a lot of her behavior is a normal thing. Like saying how she wants to go home. Mind you, we are home, but learning it could be where she is in her mind in those moments. Like she maybe in a younger period of time in her mind. Or, and I did think this, because of the lack of company from family, and she has said this, that her family doesn't know where she is and probably looking for her.

I am also learning that the family member who is caring for their love one, is doing it pretty much alone. And some in the group have been doing it for years. They call Dementia "the long good bye".  I truly hate, and I try not to use that word, but I hate what it is doing to her.  No I don't have a life, but when I look back, I haven't had a life for years, due to the fact that my mother would be worrying about me, when I am out, especially at night. It gotten to the point, if she didn't hear from me before a certain time, she would call my cell looking for me. I believe this was the beginning of the deterioration of her mind...worrying and stressing.  It got to the point where I just stop going anywhere. But she still worried.

And even now with the Dementia, she still have the nerve to worry. If only I could get her to relax, it wouldn't be so hard for her, and for me. But we are beyond that stage.....

The long goodbye...

Out of sight, out of mind...

With Dementia, the short term memory is almost non-existent. Growing up, I would hear the phrase out of sight, out of mind and today I witness it. My sister called my mother from California and it had been a long time since they talked. At first mother didn't know who it was, even though she saw her name on the caller ID and I told her who was calling, but it just didn't register at the time. But when it did kick in, mother talked to her as if she was someone in their late teens or early twenties.

My sister just rolled with it, but it scared me, for I knew something was going to happen later, and it did.  Her mind crashed and she was back in Ohio, told me I was her sister, and started packing clothes once again. (Yeah, forgot to write about that nighmare!)

You have no clue how much I hate this disease and what it does to our love ones. I am not one to use the word "hate", but now I do and with great passion, for it is robbing me of my love, my friend, my mother. I hate that it causes her to not see me as her daughter 75% of the time!!

I need help, but until I can get it, I decided to join a support group on social media for caregivers and have learned how much I'm not alone in this journey.  One major thing I learned,  my mother says often, "I want to go home", and how they have handle those moments. Yes, it happen tonight, but a little different, for she wants to leave in the morning.  Hopefully this night sleep with cancel that thought.

I suppose, they are feeling that they are being missed, when though I am here living with mom, but in her mind, I don't know what year she is living in, in those moments.

Give me strength...

Groundhog day...

I guess it was just wishful thinking on my part. I saw a big difference in my mother with her new medication.  But four days later, it was back to the days from hell! Yes, I know it's just the disease that is causing all this chaos that I go through every afternoon and sometimes all day. But how do you get a person to shut their mind down from worrying, fear and anxiety?

She actually knows, if she takes a good nap everyday, a lot of this is manageable, but she doesn't nap long and I'm alone to live with it. 

Fast forward to today, two weeks later and finally, she napped for 2 hours and an hour and half of that, I got to nap! I can't to begin to tell you how good it felt. I have been so tired for so long and I pray I can get more days like today.

Most don't know, but I'm a sleeper and I love to sleep. I believe it is one of the main reasons I have a hard time handling the changes that mom goes through. Didn’t realized until this moment that I am sleep  deprived. 

I pray the Lord will give us more days like today, and will take advantage of it to give my body and mind the rest it truly needs. I can get with that type of groundhog day!

Change the times...

Day into Night...

Sometimes each day seems like a continuation of the previous day. Then again, often time it is. Knowing there is no clue, and now there are medications to help slow down or help with some of the symptoms. But to live around it, makes me wonder if I need to start taking something for my brain health. 

Everyone tells me not to forget to take care of me. But most don't offer to give me a break, so I can do just that. Mother's day weekend, my brother was able to stay with mother, so I could take a break. My sister-in-love treated me to dinner. I really enjoyed it, but the night didn't end well once I got home. Although my brother was with mother, and she was exhausted, she wouldn't go to bed until I got back because she was worried about me, being out and it was at night. Then she had the nerve to be upset with me, but still having a lot of confusion going on in her head, due to tireness. Of course she did not remember the next morning, but she was off and on for the entire day. 

Fast forward to a week later, I notice a changed in my mother. She started a new medication the Sunday before Mother's day,  and the change is in a positive direction.  We had four better days and the day before yesterday was not the best. I am thankful for every day, but to have four good days, we haven't had that since she was diagnosed with Dementia. Prayerfully the more days with the new medication,  the more good days we will have that are good. Keep in mind, when I say good, it is minimum hallucinations and confusion. Not fighting with her to take the medication.  The problem with the medication before all of this, my mother was only taking one prescription and two vitamins at 93 years old.  Now we added three medications, and to be honest it isn't much for all of them, but one, is low doze. So she is doing good for her age.

What I'm most thankful for is, I can sleep at night. Just wish I could get in my normal 8 to 10 hours. 😁

Praying for better days...

It's morning...

Don't know who is reading this, or if you are a caregiver, but every morning my mother does not recognize who I am.  They told me with this disease, there will be up and down days, but since coming home from the hospital,  we have had just two good days and the other days has been really stressful.

I wear a fitbit which monitor my stress levels, so the lower the numbers, means the body is showing physical signs of stress. Today was the first time I started in the fifties!  That's not good at all. I know it's because of not getting good rest at night. I plan to nap everyday,  but my mother does not nap long, and so I barely get one in myself. Because of her not napping, it comes a very rough afternoon. I know it is wrong to think this way, but I find myself praying for her to go the bed at night.

Am I wrong? I truly have no clue. I really should be handling this much better by now, right? I was told my mother has Dementia in November of last year, 6 months ago. I don't know, maybe I'm in denial, or maybe life can not be this cruel! She is 93 years old and why now? Why Dementia, the one diagnosed that will rob her of 93 years of memories! The love of her children and the joy they bring her.  I need to know why would God allow this to happen to her?

I am well aware none of us knows how or when we will leave this earth. But I may have said this already, but I don't want my mother leaving this world, not knowing who I am!! 😭 I do know this, I do need God to help me help her, for I feel and I know, I am doing a terrible job at it. My emotions are so all over the place, that I'm tired and I find myself yelling a lot and getting so angry that I slam things.

I truly need to find a support group, other then those I know personally that has gone through this with a love one. I now know, I really need help in caring for my mother. Her meltdown on tonight, truly showed me I do not know how to properly care for her. There is so much more to it, then redirecting her as they told me to do in the hospital.  I truly need God to direct me in the way I need to go.

I need you now Lord...

All day is no fun...

Have you ever been around someone that was in a bad mood all day long? It becomes draining and you just have to get away from them at all cost. Well, how about someone with a disease that they have no control over and they keep telling you they want to go home, everyday, all day? This has gone on for me, for a little over two weeks now.

It is so draining and it does push me to a point that is not good for this situation.  I had to apologize to my mother several times, because I lost it, I snapped, I yelled, I cried and I walked out, only to go sit in my car for awhile. I have yet to look at suggested videos to help me in these moments and I truly need too. Because I was told they will help to understand also.

However, I learned today, that some medications when taken at the same time, can have an adverse affect on the person.  With mother, she goes to bed tired and wake the same. But now when she gets up, she is very confused. Confused to the point, that she doesn't recognize her home, wanting to go home and waiting for someone to tell her what to do. And the worst part, she is back to not recognizing who I am.

Yes, I let her doctor know, but she is out of the office for a few day. The LNP called me to get a better understanding of what my mother is going through.  She told me that her medication she take at bedtime, along with the melatonin, often creates a hangover type symptoms for older adults.  So I had to stop and think about how mother is when she gets up. She's still tired, holding onto things as she walk, never sure what day or time it is,  in a state of confusion and sits there as if she doesn't know what to do (and she doesn't know). 

Once I talked with the nurse, we came up with a different time frame for her medication.  I pray it will change her mornings back to the better and that her sleep is more restful. The way she is now, I will need someone to stay with her, so I can run errands and much more in the mornings.

Sending up prayers 🙏🏾...

I just have too...

In this journey so far, I can count on one hand, just how many good, uneventful days I had with mother. A few Fridays ago was one of them.  Of course I thank the Lord for it and pray He give us many more. It felt so good to hear her snoozing while taking a nap. A true sign that she was actually sleeping!

I am trying my best not to get to excited, for the next day could be the complete opposite, and of course, I am praying that it doesn't.  But what made that day different? A speech therapist came to the house. She actually got mother to engage in a few activities. Watching how my mother worked with her felt good, but on the other hand, it hurt me in a lot of ways.

I tried so many times to get my mother to do activities to help exercise her body and mind, but she always put up a big fuss and resist. But with a total stranger, she is willing to try all that she gave her to do, so why is that? 

I suppose, we are more comfortable with strangers at times, because with most, we will never see them again.  But with those who are there for you, we tend to give them a hard time. I really have no clue why that is. 

But who would have thought, the brain needs to be exercising too.  We just go on with life and not think about how we care about other parts of our body, but not the actual control center of it. Isn't that crazy. If there is one thing I have learned through all this, it's I must keep my mind active and that is where my crafting comes into play. I must get back to reading too. The mental health is just important.

Use it or lose it...

I can't do this...

Lately it has been something everyday, that has pushed me to a breaking point. I seem to have a total meltdown every other day! This thing is to hard to take. But I realize now, what I can't take, is what it is doing to my momma!!

I am tired, tired of crying, tired of not getting enough sleep, tired of worrying and waiting for a episode to happen, just out right TIRED!!!!

If I was giving a chance to think about taking care of my mother this way, I would have said, "get somebody else to do it", and walk away.  But I didn't get that chance at all. 

I made a decision to leave my job about 13 years ago, because of what the 12 hour nights for a year did to my health. Now, I'm not working nights, but this is far worst.  Being here for her in my mind was taking her to appointments, hanging out here and there, laughing..joking..and just enjoying life.  Granted, it was 12 and a half years of that, but never would I have thought it would change so drastically!

I can not begin to understand why my mother, and why God would allow this to happen to her.  Today was so stressful, and majority of the time, there is no one available to help me with her.  Tonight a friend reminded me that God has me in this place for a reason.  What I need to do in those moments when no one can be there, is to walk away and go to God in prayer for the help and strength I need to get through those moments.

"Heavenly Father, I am only human and so weak. I need your guidance to get through the tough and chaotic times with my mother. Lord if it be your will, lessen those moments,  give us more calm and peaceful times. But please, if I must go through this,, give me the strength and wisdom to handle and do what needs to be done, to help my mother in the best way possible, in Jesus name, Amen"

Strength and Patience...

Sleep does the body good...

Being sleep deprived, has never been my issue, until now.  Today, I had a mental breakdown. My mind had had enough and I lost it! I know you know the feeling, for we all been there. Most of the time we can deflect and keep from going off on someone physically. Or telling someone how you really are feeling.

But the lack of sleep can and will affect your body, both physically and mentally.  I watch my mother over the past week, very slowly become weaker each day, due to the lack of restful sleep. Of course, it affected me as well. I am trying my best to get her to do what is needed to help her body and mind, but there is so much negativity within her, that she resist without thinking about it.

When I was young, both my parents would tell us, "don't say can't". Telling us how we can do anything. Well, now my 93 year old mother, tells me how she "can't" lay down and go to sleep, when it comes to napping.  But I seen her do it so many times. Then today, Easter Sunday, something broke within her and she went to bed on her own. All week she fought me about going to bed, with last night being the worst. So today, I watched my mother, bent over, unable to stand up straight, move around the house, holding on to everything trying not to fall. I don't want to talk about her mental state.

My prayer tonight, is that God give her the restful sleep that she needs, so He can strengthen her body and mind. To give her the knowledge to recognize when it's time to lay her body down for a rest break, in Jesus name, Amen!

Lord help us both...