Porch Therapy....

I am truly going to miss sitting out on the porch every day once the cooler fall and winter days sets in. This porch has kept me from losing myself when things got rough with my mom, yet it brought calm to me, knowing that God makes no mistakes. He knew I needed to be back home to be with and help my mother in this final stages of life. I do not know the day, nor the hour, but I am going to do my best to take care of her, each and every day!

Caring for someone not related to you is a bit easier, at least that is how I feel. I semi cared for someone other then family, so when my time was up, I went home. But for your parent and you have to move back home, there is no leaving for the day. That is where the front porch come in for me. It was like going away to another place other then inside the house.

Being out there, it gives me a chance to reflect on what brought me out there most times. I ask God to forgive me for my reactions a lot of time or thank Him for whispering in my ear to "go outside". And what happen to cause me to retreat there....mother in a confused and agitated state!  It used to bother me when she cried or yell, and my reaction to it was not good at all. That is when sitting on the porch helped me to calm my spirit, so that I don't say the wrong thing to my mother.

Dementia will test your character in so many ways. That is why we need an outlet at all cause. I now have to think about other outlets more, since fall and winter is upon us. There maybe days warm enough to step outside or even sit in my car.  Us who don't have help, often have to create outlets. Our mental health is being stretch being caregivers. It's not our love one's fault, but when you are not properly trained to care for individuals with Dementia, it become a very stressful life.

Yes, my porch gives me peace that my mind and body needs every day!

My happy place...

On repeat...

If I could change the channel, trust me I would! With repeat on TV, actually reruns, they are entertaining, but reruns with Dementia is not entertaining at all. Who wants to hear, "I want to go home" everyday or you being told you are wrong everyday  when your memory is not the one that has been compromised.

Recently, mother has been sundowning more and more everyday. And one day it started first thing in the morning and stopped when she went to bed. It was a very exhausting day for the both of us, but at a certain time it hit me, "full moon".  Yes I looked it up and it was a full moon that day!

Not sure why things get more intense with them during a full moon, but I need to find a way to lessen the sundowning (if that is possible) so that our day can be a bit calmer. The stress of care giving is getting too me now and I need my outlets more and more everyday. I am learning that I can't allow the stress of this to consume me. I need to calm and exercise my mind now.

I am learning a lot about my mother since moving back home, and she has carried a lot of anger, which turned into stress and worry for 60 plus years. I can not let that be my reality for the rest of my life.  So since I am doing this alone, I need to make sure I have things in place to be able to decompress. Beside, I need to be mentally healthy for us both.

Such a crazy life...

Fresh Air...

Since moving back home, I find myself sitting out on the front porch every morning, when weather allows. In my younger days, we spend so much time outside and sitting on each other's porch. Just talking, laughing and playing. And I just love this. I love it so much. And when I bought my house well, when I was looking for a home, I was looking for one with a front porch. Unfortunately, you had to live in a certain area to really get a porch. Because further out the houses, are more modern, and the porch was no longer there, they had stoops to sit on.

For those with dementia, fresh air is very good for them. Exercise is good for them, just regular everyday routines is good. However, with my mother, I have some issues getting her to do certain things. Especially sitting out on the front porch. She surprised me one day, asking me did I want to go out on the porch with her? Trust me, I jumped up and went with her. Can you believe we sat out on that porch for 5 hours!  Of course, we had some hiccups here and there, because with Dementia, you're just gonna have it, it's not gonna be a day without some type of little up-and-down. But it was still a good day.

There is one thing I notice with her after sitting on the porch and getting the fresh air was that she was sleeping better. We were having a little better evening, once we go inside too, things were a little calmer. Like I mention, you still have some ups and down. But at least they weren't major (that's what sundownin is).  I am working hard to get her back on the porch. Especially when the weather is very good, we had a couple of cooler days. Because it had been cold or cool  she hasn't want to go out because she thinks every day is cool outside but we're going to get out there as much as possible rbefore the summer ends.

Need more of that...

Caregiver life...

Until you have to pause a good portion of your life, to care for a parent(s), grandparent(s) or a love one, you won't know the decision and sacrifices a person has to make to become a caregiver to someone!

To be honest, I didn't believe the doctor when she told me, mom won't be able to live alone. Not knowing what Dementia was and how it affects the person that has it, and telling me someone needs to stay with her. My mother at that time was still able to take care of herself and still can for the most part. So why did I need to stay with her?

One night, I decided to go home and go back after I went to church. Well I got back to the house, I quickly learned that being gone all night was a big mistake. I found her in a state of confusion and fear. Trust me, I did not do that again. It hurt me seeing her that way, to the point that I was scared that I may have hurt her in some way. That Sunday in early 2025, my life was no longer mine.

Here is the crazy part, I had to change the way I lived my life, for my mother prior to being diagnosed with Dementia. My mother would worry about me, especially at night. If I had somewhere to go at night, I learned she wouldn't go to bed until I got back home, and call her to let her know I was in the house. It was so bad that she would not go to bed until she heard from me. 

Since moving back home with her, I have learned just how deep this worrying and fear she has, been going on for many years, and as far back as childhood. My mother has so much fear and worry in her still with this Dementia to a point it is scary for me. You would think she would relax now that I am living with her, but that is not the case.

I wish it would stop, but I know it won't until the final call from the Lord. So I got to find a way to adjust to this change and the others that may or may not come.

Grace and mercy goes with us...

Hallucinations...

Do you remember when you were young, and seeing people walking and talking to themselves? I thought those people were crazy and we called them crazy. Little did we know, their behavior was often due to use of drugs or a mental health issue. 

The first person I helped to care for had this issue, and it was due to drug use in his younger years. He was one of those who had conversations with no one there. I got use to him having these full conversations with the voices in his head, and I would tell him not to talk them people while he's with me. Then he would laugh and so would I.

Now days, I am going through it again, but in a different form.  You have no clue how stressful and unnerving it is, to have your loved one, look at you and see someone else, a total stranger.  What makes it worst, they  don't hear your voice either!! With my mother, there is no amount of talking, that is going to convince her, that I am her daughter. It truly breaks my heart each time this happens, which is pretty much ever day. 

The thing I am learning more and more, this  disease, not only robs the person of who they are, but it robs you of a normal life with your love one.  My only fear is, my mother leaving this earth and not knowing who I am.

I've ask the Lord not to take her memory of me away, but I know His will, will be done.  But what this is also teaching me, I must take good care of my mental health. You know we all as children, had our imaginary friends to play with and talk too.  It was cute then, but now seeing it with an adult,  that didn't ask for this, well, it's not cute, it's devastating and there is no cure for it! Lewy Body Dementia

I see you momma...

Don't Cry...

Most don't know, but I am a very sensitive person. I am also a cry baby too. I learned how to not show my emotions, by watching my father. In difficult times, I never saw him stress, worried or appear weak, in intense moments. I thought that is how we are suppose to be.  But in one fleeing moment, I saw my father cry, then it was over just as quick as it came. That shook me and confused me. And now I try my best to remain strong and keep my emotions and tears in check....I can't do it anymore.

Not knowing how each day with my mother will go, is truly nerve-wracking! I feel as if I am walking on egg shells and my stress level is off the charts. I find myself fighting back tears often, especially when someone ask, "how's your mother doing".  Rarely anyone ask me how am I doing, and I fight back the tears then too.

I heard being a caregiver is a thankless job, and I'm learning it's a helpless job as well. By that I mean, people offer to help or says "call me if you need me", well I am quickly learning it is just words.

How can I be strong for my mother, when I'm weak from stress, sleepless nights and no one to help me?  I know I need to lean even more on God, but often times forget to do that. I pray for healing, but know there is no healing for this disease.  I hold my mother every night, and pray for the both of us. I fight back tears even then. I have broke down in front of her. However it was during one of her hallucination, and I just wanted my mother to hold me, but she didn't see me in that moment.

My biggest fear, is when the day come, that my mother will no longer see me, her daughter! 😢

Love you always momma...

I'm a Caregiver...

Years ago, I was asked to help care for a gentleman, as in finding him doctors, taking him to appointments and handling his medication. Pretty simple right? Yes it was, because it wasn't an everyday situation.  I still had a life and pretty much do what I wanted to do, and go.

However, today care situation is more intense and it's for my mother. Never would I have thought, my mother last days (God knows how long it will be) would be filled with memory issues, confusion, hallucinations, anxiety and more. I keep asking myself, did I missed signs of Dementia in her years ago? I saw things that I thought was happening just because she was getting older. Now I am learning she was having memory issues at least 10 years ago.

I often wonder, if I had known what was going on with her, would things be different now? Could it been reversed? Knowing what I know now, we might have been able to slow the process down, but it's not reversible.

I am always going to be there for my mother, but I don't know for how long by myself. Each day is different.  One day she is her old self and the next day hallucinations will come for a visit, not know for how long it plan to stay. Those are the days that get to me the most. There are those moments when my sweet, kind mother, becomes mean and angry, a side of her I have never seen in my life time. But I know it is the illness, and yet it tears me up every time.

Patiences is the key and thick skin, and that i have never been. I can be at times when that side comes out, and other times it gets the best of me and I push back. Yes, I know it's wrong, but I am learning too.  There is a different type of strength I need and I need God to help me with that, and I pray He send what I need to get through this journey!

My mother...My heart