Here we go...

First, Happy New Year to you all! Life with mom is starting to get back to her baseline of normalcy. Now I know, I must brace myself for the aftermath of fireworks and shooting guns to celebrate a holiday, do to my mother.

You would not believe the level of confusion that started at 12:30 am new year's eve!! I handle it the best way I could in a calm voice, but how I wish I could find a way to silence the noise for her And it's just about that night, it alter how her brain process situations and it will be days before it changes back.

Today, almost a week later and still having issues. Granted it's not as bad, but somethings are irritating and I am still working on how I react to the state she is in. The one thing I got to remind myself, that it is the disease and not her that has her behaving and thinking the way she does.

Although she is going through major changes, I am going through them too and more. I am doing my very best to keep a level head and maintain my level of sanity! I see where so many Caregivers are going through it mentality with their love ones, and I won't lie, I was too at the very beginning of this journey. I am better, but there are moments where I could just scream and trust me, I have done that. People tell me it will happen and that's okay, but I will feel bad too. Now when I do lose it, I apologize to her later once her mind has calm down. I also ask God for forgiveness too.

That may sound crazy to some, but it's about peace of mind and besides, she's my mother and yelling at her is so disrespectful, but I can't allow this disease to make me crazy too and most of all, disrespect my mother. She needs me in so many different ways. So my prayer is that she get back to a base where it is less stressful for the both of us.

Happy New Year!...

What are you doing New Year's Eve...

I have lost touch with so many over the course of my work life. Now living and take care of my mother, how is it possible I have lost even more. What's crazier is that those who knows my situation, will ask "what did you do for the holidays" or "got plans for new years eve?". I hate looking at them crazy or wanting to say what is really on my mind. But why do people assume you can just stop what your doing to have fun when your a caregiver?

It is then when you realize how insensitive people are to others situations. I don't like embarrassing myself, so I try my best not too, and I have had my moments of embarrassment,  and trust me, I feel so bad afterwards.  But I do try to keep up with others situations and encourage the best I can. Right now, I am finally getting my pray life back and I add others to it, when I know their situation.

So this new year's eve will be different. I normally go to a watch night service at my church, but tonight will be the first time I won't be attending.  My mother is in bed around 7:30pm, and she needs to have a routine and structure. Trust me, there are those who tell me to "go out" when she's asleep. I know, that sounds like a good idea, but I know for me, that would be the time she either won't go to bed or wake-up while I am gone. I do not want to think about how that would affect her waking up and I'm not there.

Right now my fear is, people shooting off fireworks and guns while she is asleep and waking her up. I remember the 4th of July, the fireworks were right outside her window and it scared her out of her sleep so bad that she believe someone was trying to kill her. I cried that night trying to calm her down. We didn't get back to bed until 3am!  Trust me, I will be praying tonight for her peace of mind and for mine too.

So I pray the coming year, will be better then this year, more calmer and healthier and I pray that you all have a safe new year, and that blessings will be plentiful throughout 2026!

Happy New Year!...

66 and 1 year...

Today is my birthday and 1 year since I been back home taking care of my mom. Believe it or not, I have celebrated my birthday once in my adult life, and that was with co-workers. The craziest part is, when I was in a relationship, they would ghost me from Thanksgiving until the day after new year, or never to be heard from again. Of course the ones who had the nerve to contact me after, were in for a rude awakening.

So now, I really don't know how to feel about my day of birth. Don't get me wrong, I am truly grateful that God has allowed me to see another day, but everyone would like to celebrate their birthday with family and friends. On the flip side, I'll be lucky if anyone (other the my son) remember it's my birthday.

I often wondered, did they celebrate birthdays before Christ was born?  And why do we have parties for our birthdays? I am only saying this because, I've only seen pictures of one party for me when I was around 12 years old. So apparently, it wasn't as important to them, because the celebrations stop and I never thought about until my adult years and seeing people out enjoying their birthday with family and friends.

So now, I am spending my days caring for my mother. I been living with her a year now today. Yes, I started this journey with her on my birthday. It makes me sad and come to except two things, 1) I love my mom and now my life is to care for her and keep her safe. 2) I am going to stop waiting for someone to want to do something for me on my birthday. To me it is no fun doing it yourself alone, at least that's how I feel about. I can pretty much count on one hand how many will actually remember today's my birthday, without me saying it's my birthday!

There is one thing that truly hurts, it's that my mother won't remember that today is the day, her baby girl came into her life, because of dementia.

Dementia sucks...