Do you what time it is?...

I did not know there's a day to recognize caregivers! Every third Friday of February, but it should be everyday. 

I knew people who cared for their loved ones over the years, but I didn't realize how overwhelming it is in so many ways. I now wish I had been more supportive, because going through this with next to no support/help, is very challenging both physically and mentally.

I thank the ones who has helped when they can. Most of all, I thank God for being my strength and giving me a gentle reminder of "why" I need to do this, each time I wanted to walk away. 

To all caregivers, I pray God will strengthen you in this journey and that He will give others a compassionate heart to help. 

National Caregivers Day .

Somebody watching me...

Before Dementia came into my life, I wasn't fully living life. What does that mean? Although my mother wasn't living with me, it was like she was watching me. She sat and worried all the time when she knew I wasn't home. I know I said this before, but now that I am living with her, she watches for me to get back when I make a run to the store. When I get back she says to me, "I thought it was about time for you to get back"! Most times she doesn't remember me leaving!

But, this past month has been rough on the both of us. Since new years eve, every morning my mother does not see me when she looks at me. It was happening off and on for a long time, but somewhat regular now. A week ago, we had a doctor appointment but she became very agitated and angry because I wasn't there to take her. I had to get my brother on the phone to convince her that we need to go to this appointment and that it was me with her. We made it to the appointment, and I learned it is part of the lewy body with her vision. Now that I know, I have to learn how to deal with it...btw, half way through the appointment, she started recognizing me, and on the way home, she told me how she didn't appreciate how I sent the "fake" Nita to take her to the appointment!🤦🏾‍♀️

Crazy thing is, she watches the other person (which is me) so closely, that she tells me every word and action that happen! It's really crazy when she tells my brother too. There are too many different levels to Dementia. Way to much to learn and keep up with. Their personality is all over the place. But when they become scared, it is scary for you as well. But the flip side, she remembers all I say and do, during those off moments, because is not seeing me during those moments. So she does pay attention to me this way, although she sees me as someone else.

However, I didn't realize just how much time, I would be spending watching her. Her movements are slower now and a bit unstable, but she is still pretty independent in somethings, and want that to remain the same. I do make sure I am close by to help when needed and measure the temperature of her mental state, before I do what I need to do.

Watching her watching me...

Transparent Moment: What a year has taught me...

I have been staying with mother and year and a month. I will say, I am not built to be a caregiver. I truly don't know how people can do this for a living. But once I thought about, they can, because they get a break from it. Most only do it for a few hours a day, some for 8 hours and others for overnight. For me, it's 24/7, and I have and still do, make a lot of mistakes. Caring for someone's physical body is one thing, but to care for a person's mind is not for the weak.

It is mentally draining, and hurtful at times, especially those times when she doesn't recognize me and thinks I'm someone else. You know there are certain situations where you need tough skin to get through it until it's time for you to leave. But now, I have to tough it up in a major way. I was always one to be able to remove myself, when I know something is going down the wrong path. This time, I can't escape.

But I have come to the realization, that God has me here for a reason. With all that is going on, I am getting my prayer life back on track, doing my devotionals, both day and night. Slowly starting to react differently when her mind goes left. But I am human and I will make mistakes and react badly at times, and I ask her and God for forgiveness for my actions and move forward praying I'll do better.

Yes, caregiving is not for the weak...

Who are you...

I wish I could think in those moments when my mother doesn't recognize who I am. Lately I'm my grandmother (her mother) and other times I'm her older sister. Recently and often, I'm that "other girl" with no name.

These moments truly un-nerves me and I know, but don't know what to do. I do my best to remain calm, but it's my mother and in the back of my mind, I don't want her not to see me. Granted, most times it doesn't last long. I can go out the house and come back in to, "I was wondering when you were getting here", although I've been here all morning.

Just this morning, we sat at the kitchen table talking about the report on the recent shooting in Minnesota and other things. I went into the bathroom for a bit, and when I came out she asked me, "when did you come downstairs". Trust me, it caught me totally off guard and once again, I didn't respond to it well. I got to figure out how to get myself to not react to the switches differently, and how to meet the switches when they come.

But to pretend to be someone I'm not is so hard. I tried a few times and it was disastrous! No matter what I said, whether true or not, I was wrong and asked why I was mistreating her. It's like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't! 

I have no clue how long this journey is going to be, but I need to figure it out, because I need to maintain my own sanity with all of this. I am giving up my life in a way to care for my mother. But I will say, I am doing more that I haven't done in a long time. But I need to get back to my crafting to help me relax more.

There's got to be another way...

All Night Long...

One night, I was awake at  2:30 am. Why? My mother had a nightmare and it took a few to get her to calm down and go back to bed. As for me, I am unable to fall back to sleep, seeing I didn't get to sleep close to midnight.  It took me a long time to settle down and when my mind was ready to go to sleep, she is awake again at 5 am, confused and thinking it was time to go.

I was able to get her to lay down again, but I'm afraid the high winds are not going to allow her to go back too sleep.

I am working to get her on a schedule with a lot of things. The two main things is when to eat and bedtime. She did go to bed close to the time I would like. I have notice, we have a pretty decent day, when she gets 12 hours of sleep. Of course that's not the case on today. I believe we will be napping most of today, at least that's is my pray.

But it seems that at least once a week of late, she has been having disturbing dreams, but it came back to me, those type of dreams are not of God. So in my nighttime prayers, I ask for calming of her mind as she sleep and rebuke satan. I learn early in life, by way of the scriptures, if you rebuke the devil, he will flee.  Of course as a child, I'm not sure if I believed it or not. But lately,  oh yeah, I believe!! I been rebuking him like crazy and God truly stepped in.

Now, I'm not saying all is back to her baseline, but we are slowly getting there. I am really working on not allowing her confused mind to upset me so much. I just have to remind myself, it will be much better in the morning.

It's a merry-go-round...

Transparent Moment: Walking in her shoes!

I saw a post in a Facebook group, and it cause me to take a step back. I have become a 2nd generation caregiver in my family, as well as others. My grandmother, my mother's mother, was a caregiver to her entire family. Meaning she cared for her parents, siblings, husband and children, until they left this earth. My grandmother left us at the age of 92. Here I am caring and helping her baby girl, my mother.

I know my grandmother had to have been tired, but she never showed it. At least I didn't see it, nor heard it in her voice. I'm sure she cried a many days and nights, got angry and more. How I wish I could talk and get advise from her now. My cousin often tell me, "you're Liz Harris granddaughter". It's time to live up to the example that went before me. I am doing the very best I can and I need the Lord to help me along the way, the same way He helped my grandmother.

I'm Liz Harris granddaughter!!!

Every Breath You Take...

You all that have children, do you remember the first time they slept all night? If you were like me, did you jump up and ran to make sure they were breathing? Well, unfortunately, I am there all over again with my mother. She will be so tired and when she is finally taking a nap, I find myself watching her chest to make sure she is breathing.

She is oftentimes tired and won't nap, but when she does nap, and her mouth is open and head in a weird position, I am always checking. Now I know it is not her time, but I guess her age makes me do it as well. I heard to many stories of how love ones will lay down for a nap and passed away in their sleep. And I know that is my mother wish, is to go in her sleep. But am I truly ready for that?

Currently I'm dealing with some serious sundowning and this hasn't happen for a little over a month. Of course, if there is a need to breathe, it is during these moments because it becomes very chaotic! Nothing I say or do will redirect her, and everything I say or don't say is a lie, so I can't win. Oftentimes during these moments, her vision changes, she doesn't see me when she looks at me. I try my best not to let it get to me  because I know it's the disease. Be honest, who wouldn't be in their feelings when their love one doesn't recognize them?

However, I can finally breathe for a bit, for it appears we have turned a corner. For how long, I don't know. Granted she is still having moments of not seeing me, and I am doing my best to power through it. I thank God for every quiet moments I have with her, because when serious sundowning hits, I realize I hold my breath for a long time.

💨💨💨...