Are we going home...

Every day she ask me that question and everyday I tell her the same thing, "we are staying here". But now I see, her brain is processing what I said differently, and the difference is, "yes". Although, at times she accept what I tell her just fine, and other times she ask "why aren't we going?" No matter which way she responds, she get angry, agitated, confused, upset and more.

Every night, she goes to her room, get out her duffle and canvas bag, to put her night clothes in, and put her toiletries in a plastic bag. I do my best to watch her every moment, so when she can't find things, I know where they are. 

This morning, I discovered her dish towel she use for her hand was missing. I go to where she had it last and it wasn't there. She too did not know, when she needed it this morning. Well, this afternoon the towel showed up, and I believe she did not recognize it, when she unfolded some facial tissues, she found the towel wrapped in it!

I believe the different sleep patterns has now effected her already deteriorating brain. One major change is not recognizing me first thing in the mornings. This particular morning, she greeted me with a hug and a kiss, so I assume she was seeing me, but later that afternoon she tells me how "that woman" went to the grocery store. Now I am confused because this means she wasn't seeing me as her mother. But why did she kiss a stranger?

This thing truly has her brain so mixed up. I feel that the lack of good sleep is the driving force behind what is going on with her. We had a doctor appointment and she confirmed my thought process. So when we got back home, she admitted that she was sleepy and I got her to recline in her chair. She actually went to sleep and slept for an hour and half. Although it was late afternoon, I was to happy to see it! I pray this is a fresh beginning.

Time for a change...

History does repeat itself...

A week or so ago, mother and I had a 11:30am hair appointment.  My only issue was if she would recognize me that morning, so that we will be able to go. She knew about the appointment, but I quickly learned, that was not a good ideal!!

In the past, before the dementia diagnosis, mother would stress so much about getting to her appointments on time, that she would not sleep the night before. I thought that was no longer in her system now, but it still is!!! Our appointment was at 11:30am, she tried twice that night to get ready to go for the appointment!

Neither one of us got any sleep that night. Of course that morning she was still stressing about the time of the appointment. And with that, she couldn't read the clock properly either! It's 7 in the morning and she thought our appointment was at 9! STOP THE MADNESS!!

The entire day was not good. Keep in mind, she has been awake since 6am the previous day, so 24 hours has passed and now she refused, or not willing to nap, once we got back from the appointment. It was after 7pm that night when she finally went to bed. Exhausted to the point that I had to help her find her room and more.

Dementia has intensified the behavioral patterns she has now, which now makes it harder on a mind that is now deteriorating. Rest and sleep can slow the process, but how can you get them to understand that?

Time for a change...

Fresh Air...

Since moving back home, I find myself sitting out on the front porch every morning, when weather allows. In my younger days, we spend so much time outside and sitting on each other's porch. Just talking, laughing and playing. And I just love this. I love it so much. And when I bought my house well, when I was looking for a home, I was looking for one with a front porch. Unfortunately, you had to live in a certain area to really get a porch. Because further out the houses, are more modern, and the porch was no longer there, they had stoops to sit on.

For those with dementia, fresh air is very good for them. Exercise is good for them, just regular everyday routines is good. However, with my mother, I have some issues getting her to do certain things. Especially sitting out on the front porch. She surprised me one day, asking me did I want to go out on the porch with her? Trust me, I jumped up and went with her. Can you believe we sat out on that porch for 5 hours!  Of course, we had some hiccups here and there, because with Dementia, you're just gonna have it, it's not gonna be a day without some type of little up-and-down. But it was still a good day.

There is one thing I notice with her after sitting on the porch and getting the fresh air was that she was sleeping better. We were having a little better evening, once we go inside too, things were a little calmer. Like I mention, you still have some ups and down. But at least they weren't major (that's what sundownin is).  I am working hard to get her back on the porch. Especially when the weather is very good, we had a couple of cooler days. Because it had been cold or cool  she hasn't want to go out because she thinks every day is cool outside but we're going to get out there as much as possible rbefore the summer ends.

Need more of that...

Caregiver life...

Until you have to pause a good portion of your life, to care for a parent(s), grandparent(s) or a love one, you won't know the decision and sacrifices a person has to make to become a caregiver to someone!

To be honest, I didn't believe the doctor when she told me, mom won't be able to live alone. Not knowing what Dementia was and how it affects the person that has it, and telling me someone needs to stay with her. My mother at that time was still able to take care of herself and still can for the most part. So why did I need to stay with her?

One night, I decided to go home and go back after I went to church. Well I got back to the house, I quickly learned that being gone all night was a big mistake. I found her in a state of confusion and fear. Trust me, I did not do that again. It hurt me seeing her that way, to the point that I was scared that I may have hurt her in some way. That Sunday in early 2025, my life was no longer mine.

Here is the crazy part, I had to change the way I lived my life, for my mother prior to being diagnosed with Dementia. My mother would worry about me, especially at night. If I had somewhere to go at night, I learned she wouldn't go to bed until I got back home, and call her to let her know I was in the house. It was so bad that she would not go to bed until she heard from me. 

Since moving back home with her, I have learned just how deep this worrying and fear she has, been going on for many years, and as far back as childhood. My mother has so much fear and worry in her still with this Dementia to a point it is scary for me. You would think she would relax now that I am living with her, but that is not the case.

I wish it would stop, but I know it won't until the final call from the Lord. So I got to find a way to adjust to this change and the others that may or may not come.

Grace and mercy goes with us...

Back home...

After 43 years, I am back at my family home. Never thought it would be to care for my momma, but now that I have relinquish the keys to the home I raised my son in, I'm not sad at all, just glad I can be here for the woman that raised me, no matter how hard it may be.

The constant worrying she was doing about me over the years, kept me from doing so many things I wanted to do. I know most would not let that stop them, but my conscious wouldn't let me be selfish that way. So now all the worrying and stress has taken its toll on her. This past year and half has shown me just how much she stress and worry, even when I am in the house with her.

So, I trust God more now, I pray more, I'm becoming Ms Domestic too! 🤦🏾‍♀️😅 And most of all, I need to be here, no matter how hard it can be. 🙏🏿 Yet, I do pray that more family will step up to the plate, and offer more assistance to me, but to be honest, I don't see that happening any time soon. Not sure what it is with family when it comes to sickness that actually needs assistance. It seems everything else is more important than helping love ones. I maybe wrong, and I pray it's not true.

I will say this, I am so thankful for those who has helped me along the way. If it wasn't for them, my move back home would not have been as smooth. God has truly watched over me during this time. The most stressful time is when she doesn't recognize me when she looks at me. That is really painful for me to endure. So as I sit outside to give her mind a break, I pray that when I go back in, she will see me again.

Now you see me, now you don't...

Sundowning 2.0...

13 straight nights of sundowning with mom. It is so hard on the both of us. I have not handled it well also. However for her, she does not remember the night before, but for me, I do!

I got no sleep a few nights ago, yes I am still tired and today, I managed a hour and half nap, after a night of firework war zone. I hope to nap more every day, and that depends on which direction her mind will take us.

When you are caring for someone by yourself, and no one is offering to relieve you, you can't do for yourself the way you need too and when you do, you need to find ways to decompress. Yes, I am doing what I can to take care of my mental health. Look, I'm not prefect and yes, I have loss it on my mother and immediately ask for forgiveness from God. I do apologize to her, but I wait after she has slept it off.

Yes, we are still sundowning and I know that one thing is driving it now, and that I am moving my things back home and selling my house. I have been going back and forth for awhile now, and finally closing day will be here. Mother's does not process what is being said properly, I am learning. It's like she has dyslexia with her hearing. My prayer is that once this is over with the house, that things will change in her mind too and she will let it go.

Wishful thinking, praying too...

Who can walk this walk...

Of late, I thought about why potential relationships never worked out for me over the years. To be honest, I thought about it a lot. They would start off real good, but sooner or later, I realize that I am the only one invested in the relationships. That is because I was learning just how selfish they were. It turns out they were pretending, so that I am doing for them. One of us would walk away...mainly me.

It wasn't until a recent phone call I got from someone, that God gave me an answer to my question through them. They too are dealing with a parent with Dementia, and they all take turns giving a sibling a break from caretaking. She is taking her turn and she says to me, "I thank God for an understanding husband, for allowing me to go and give my sister for a month".
That right there, had me looking back and it reminded me, that all the men I was involved with, were very selfish, that it was all about them, and that they would not be able to deal with what I am going through with my mother. The thing is, God knew this all along, and He removed them from my life.


Loneliness is a part of this journey for most caregivers, when caring for someone with a illness. I am learning that selfishness will not work as a caregiver, but compassion is a must. I am not a selfish person, but I am an impatient one. What this journey is teaching me how to let that go. No, it's not happen over night, but I can see it very slowly melting away. But those moments of sundowning, truly test your patience for sure!

Everyone can't go with you...