Fresh Air...

Since moving back home, I find myself sitting out on the front porch every morning, when weather allows. In my younger days, we spend so much time outside and sitting on each other's porch. Just talking, laughing and playing. And I just love this. I love it so much. And when I bought my house well, when I was looking for a home, I was looking for one with a front porch. Unfortunately, you had to live in a certain area to really get a porch. Because further out the houses, are more modern, and the porch was no longer there, they had stoops to sit on.

For those with dementia, fresh air is very good for them. Exercise is good for them, just regular everyday routines is good. However, with my mother, I have some issues getting her to do certain things. Especially sitting out on the front porch. She surprised me one day, asking me did I want to go out on the porch with her? Trust me, I jumped up and went with her. Can you believe we sat out on that porch for 5 hours!  Of course, we had some hiccups here and there, because with Dementia, you're just gonna have it, it's not gonna be a day without some type of little up-and-down. But it was still a good day.

There is one thing I notice with her after sitting on the porch and getting the fresh air was that she was sleeping better. We were having a little better evening, once we go inside too, things were a little calmer. Like I mention, you still have some ups and down. But at least they weren't major (that's what sundownin is).  I am working hard to get her back on the porch. Especially when the weather is very good, we had a couple of cooler days. Because it had been cold or cool  she hasn't want to go out because she thinks every day is cool outside but we're going to get out there as much as possible rbefore the summer ends.

Need more of that...

Caregiver life...

Until you have to pause a good portion of your life, to care for a parent(s), grandparent(s) or a love one, you won't know the decision and sacrifices a person has to make to become a caregiver to someone!

To be honest, I didn't believe the doctor when she told me, mom won't be able to live alone. Not knowing what Dementia was and how it affects the person that has it, and telling me someone needs to stay with her. My mother at that time was still able to take care of herself and still can for the most part. So why did I need to stay with her?

One night, I decided to go home and go back after I went to church. Well I got back to the house, I quickly learned that being gone all night was a big mistake. I found her in a state of confusion and fear. Trust me, I did not do that again. It hurt me seeing her that way, to the point that I was scared that I may have hurt her in some way. That Sunday in early 2025, my life was no longer mine.

Here is the crazy part, I had to change the way I lived my life, for my mother prior to being diagnosed with Dementia. My mother would worry about me, especially at night. If I had somewhere to go at night, I learned she wouldn't go to bed until I got back home, and call her to let her know I was in the house. It was so bad that she would not go to bed until she heard from me. 

Since moving back home with her, I have learned just how deep this worrying and fear she has, been going on for many years, and as far back as childhood. My mother has so much fear and worry in her still with this Dementia to a point it is scary for me. You would think she would relax now that I am living with her, but that is not the case.

I wish it would stop, but I know it won't until the final call from the Lord. So I got to find a way to adjust to this change and the others that may or may not come.

Grace and mercy goes with us...

Here we go...

First, Happy New Year to you all! Life with mom is starting to get back to her baseline of normalcy. Now I know, I must brace myself for the aftermath of fireworks and shooting guns to celebrate a holiday, do to my mother.

You would not believe the level of confusion that started at 12:30 am new year's eve!! I handle it the best way I could in a calm voice, but how I wish I could find a way to silence the noise for her And it's just about that night, it alter how her brain process situations and it will be days before it changes back.

Today, almost a week later and still having issues. Granted it's not as bad, but somethings are irritating and I am still working on how I react to the state she is in. The one thing I got to remind myself, that it is the disease and not her that has her behaving and thinking the way she does.

Although she is going through major changes, I am going through them too and more. I am doing my very best to keep a level head and maintain my level of sanity! I see where so many Caregivers are going through it mentality with their love ones, and I won't lie, I was too at the very beginning of this journey. I am better, but there are moments where I could just scream and trust me, I have done that. People tell me it will happen and that's okay, but I will feel bad too. Now when I do lose it, I apologize to her later once her mind has calm down. I also ask God for forgiveness too.

That may sound crazy to some, but it's about peace of mind and besides, she's my mother and yelling at her is so disrespectful, but I can't allow this disease to make me crazy too and most of all, disrespect my mother. She needs me in so many different ways. So my prayer is that she get back to a base where it is less stressful for the both of us.

Happy New Year!...

What are you doing New Year's Eve...

I have lost touch with so many over the course of my work life. Now living and take care of my mother, how is it possible I have lost even more. What's crazier is that those who knows my situation, will ask "what did you do for the holidays" or "got plans for new years eve?". I hate looking at them crazy or wanting to say what is really on my mind. But why do people assume you can just stop what your doing to have fun when your a caregiver?

It is then when you realize how insensitive people are to others situations. I don't like embarrassing myself, so I try my best not too, and I have had my moments of embarrassment,  and trust me, I feel so bad afterwards.  But I do try to keep up with others situations and encourage the best I can. Right now, I am finally getting my pray life back and I add others to it, when I know their situation.

So this new year's eve will be different. I normally go to a watch night service at my church, but tonight will be the first time I won't be attending.  My mother is in bed around 7:30pm, and she needs to have a routine and structure. Trust me, there are those who tell me to "go out" when she's asleep. I know, that sounds like a good idea, but I know for me, that would be the time she either won't go to bed or wake-up while I am gone. I do not want to think about how that would affect her waking up and I'm not there.

Right now my fear is, people shooting off fireworks and guns while she is asleep and waking her up. I remember the 4th of July, the fireworks were right outside her window and it scared her out of her sleep so bad that she believe someone was trying to kill her. I cried that night trying to calm her down. We didn't get back to bed until 3am!  Trust me, I will be praying tonight for her peace of mind and for mine too.

So I pray the coming year, will be better then this year, more calmer and healthier and I pray that you all have a safe new year, and that blessings will be plentiful throughout 2026!

Happy New Year!...

There's no place like home...

Within the world of someone with dementia, they always want to go home. For most and my mother, they are home, but telling them that, most will not agree. Now I am learning for them, it may not mean a physical home. If you ask them where's home, often times they can't tell you.

For the past 2 weeks, every night I hear "I want to go home". I am suppose to redirect her with something like, "well, we will stay here tonight" and " lets see what happens tomorrow". For her, it doesn't work and depending on how tired her mind is, she would have a mental breakdown.  Trust me, it is not for the weak. I learned for my sanity, is to just go into another room and 90% of the time, it doesn't  work.

But now we're into our 3rd week and I believe the higher dose of medication is kicking in. The days are filled with a lot less sundowning affect, but one thing has changed, instead of her saying, "I want to go home", she is asking "are you taking me home". Am I happy? Somewhat, but there are still other behaviors still present and I know that it will always be, just don't know how intense and how long it will last. When I say "last", I mean in hours!

Now I know when she says "home", she is talking about a physical place. I believe it is my house, because she ask is she is staying here at my house.  My prayer now is that she goes to bed at a decent hour every night!!

This is truly a one day at a time life...

Transparent Moment:

With dementia, you have to change your way of thinking to be able to handle the changes going on in your love  ones brain. Trust me, this is the hardest thing to do, especially for me who has no patience, but I'm working on it!

Live & Learn...

Stop Flipping That Switch!...

There are those who can turn their emotions on and off just like a switch, and depends on how you view it, it can be a good thing for that person.  But in my mother's case, it's not a good thing and it sneak up on you too.

Yesterday was somewhat of a good day, all systems was mild and comfortable, that I can deal with whatever came my way, but today.....even I didn't know if I was coming or going. I wanted to leave so bad, but I knew that I couldn't do that.

Last night didn't end the best, a lot of confusion and anxiety just before going to bed, and this morning was the continuation of last night and it pretty much didn't let up. The thing is, it hit me when I wasn't ready, I just got ip from a good night sleep, so I couldn't adjust fast enough and I became frustrated and angry! Yes, I yelled at my mother and I pray she and the Lord will forgive.

They tell me it will happen, me losing it, because this disease is so unpredictable. You truly don't know what's going to happen each day. A few weeks ago, I had another day like today, but more intense (if that's possible), and she was doing things that, well let's just say, she was making things comfortable for people that she could see, and I couldn't see.  She finally ran out of stream around 2am the next morning.  By the way, my mother is 93. 

I pray the higher dose of one of her medication will calm her back down, where it is more manageable for me. This disease has no cure, but they can treat the symptoms, for as long as their minds will allow.

We must take care of our mental health. Keep stress as low as possible, refrain from worrying about every little thing, but yet exercise our minds in a good way, by keeping it active and well rested.

The mind is a terrible thing to waste...

12 hours, that's all...

Back in the day I could sleep 10, 12, 15 hours with no problem. But now I'm barely getting 7 hours of sleep at night. Dementia is kicking my a** I really mean that. The things I've been going through with it because of my mom, is because she has it, and it's too much. It's too much for one person. I will admit when the doctor change when she should take one of her medications, everything's been cool. Actually it has been cool for a month. The confusion and today, this is cruel and unusual punishment. I should call child services. hallucinations has been low.

This past week we had some rough moments,  but last night was the worst. You see her sleeping pattern has been off this week. When she gets 10 - 12 hours of sleep, things are milder, but less then that, or more then that, the day doesn't start well. The day is pretty much in sundowning mode, with last night being the worst.

She has a somewhat of a normal time she would go to bed, but that's been hit and miss. But I didn't trip and while working on some crafting items., of course she falls asleep in her recliner. I let her sleep for a bit, then woke her at 8pm to get her to bed. That was the beginning of everything spiraling out of control. From that point on, all types of craziness happen. It took 5 1/2 hours to get her into bed. I was so tired and I managed to get 4 hours of sleep, but I am still tired.

She is not herself this morning and need more sleep also. My prayer is that she goes to bed at a decent time tonight. I wish I had a video of everything that took place last night. I did however recorded when she made up a bed for imaginary children. 

I'm a crafter and do things to help me relax after a long day of caregiving.  Well, she interrupted that, by fusing and complaining about my things being out. If you are like me, you don't like people touching your stuff, and she was doing way to much in that area. So instead of relaxing, I was trying to remain calm. That is the hardest thing to do, because they become young children when Dementia is a part of their life and very aggressive too.  I know talking to her in a calm voice is the best way to get through to her, but my mother is different now, she tend to argue and pick at me, which is totally out of character for her. I find myself walking away and going outside, in order not to disrespect her. Yes, I have failed a lot of times also.

Being a caregiver for someone with dementia is so hard to do. They will go through so much mentally, that you won't know if you're coming or going, that's pretty much everyday. You don't know if you will be fighting or relaxing each day. I don't want to have burnout like so many caregiving for a love one, so I need my crafting down time to keep me sane!

Need all that sleep...

Something is happening...

This illness will have you seeing all types of doctors. We recently saw a neurologist, and I knew they take care of the brain and knows how it functions and so forth. While discussing mother, I learned one of her medications they like to give it to them at night. Why? Because they want them to sleep all night, and I am all for that! Actually, resting is the best thing for them too.

One of the side affects is hallucinations with that particular medications.  I was giving it to her at noon, and let me tell you, sundowning is no joke and mother already has hallucinations, well I felt it did nothing to calm them, but made them worst. So once I started giving it to her at night, the level was lower with the hallucinations.  I wish they would just go away, but unfortunately, it is a part of the disease.

For one week of her taking this medicine at bedtime, I am sleeping better and feel more relaxed until these last two days. I guess she's making up for the little hallucinations she had this past week. Nothing I say is satisfying to her. Once again, I am wrong about everything. I have to do my best to calm myself so that I don't yell, because loud noises is not good for them either. Yes, it is just like dealing with a child when she is sundowning heavily.

However, the week of it all being mild and going to bed at a decent hour, I would love for it to stay that way, but the reality is, it won't.  No one should have to live with this debilitating disease. The type that has no cure and will eventually end their life. My prayer is that my mother doesn't leave her, not knowing who I am. But what I am experiencing with her now, I'm afraid that she won't. So I will leave it in God's hand.

Every little bit helps....

Say NO one more time...

It has been a rough month. Yes I know I say this pretty much all the time. But there are two things I am so tired of hearing..."I want to go home" and "no"! Why ask me who did this, that or ther other, and I tell you it was you, because your mind doesn't remember and you tell me "noooo", grrrrrrrrrr 🤬

My mind is not fully programmed enough to not react or answer questions/comments that a normal person would ask. Dementia brains do not function properly and never will. Granted there will be moments where their old selves will emerge, and we need to enjoy those moments when they appear, but once there gone, we now have to be careful of how we handle them. This is where I am still learning how to do.

I am there for everything with my mother and doing my best to be quiet, not react to things she maybe doing. There are moments where I have to step in to keep her from hurting herself.  However, I have never hated a word so much like I do now. And I need to get a grip of my reaction to it and other things.

You know, we all want to be able to just be ourselves around our love ones and others, and yet, this ugly diseases will have you lying to them,  just to have some peace. And I hate having to lie to my mother. 

Once before she finally went to bed, she left a semi mess in the dinning room. Instead of me putting things away, I left everything where she left it. So the next morning, she saw it and told me how she found her shoes on her recliner and asked me who did that. I told her how she left the room the way it was. And you can guess what her response was...."nooo, somebody else did it". 

Unfortunately I kind of lost it and had to walk away. That's what I hate the most, I have to walk away before I disrespect her. This new normal is going to make me crazy if I don't get hold of my emotions. Now I have to adapt to how her mind works and no, I don't want too, but I got to stop fighting it, but how?


Screw this!....