Who can walk this walk...

Of late, I thought about why potential relationships never worked out for me over the years. To be honest, I thought about it a lot. They would start off real good, but sooner or later, I realize that I am the only one invested in the relationships. That is because I was learning just how selfish they were. It turns out they were pretending, so that I am doing for them. One of us would walk away...mainly me.

It wasn't until a recent phone call I got from someone, that God gave me an answer to my question through them. They too are dealing with a parent with Dementia, and they all take turns giving a sibling a break from caretaking. She is taking her turn and she says to me, "I thank God for an understanding husband, for allowing me to go and give my sister for a month".
That right there, had me looking back and it reminded me, that all the men I was involved with, were very selfish, that it was all about them, and that they would not be able to deal with what I am going through with my mother. The thing is, God knew this all along, and He removed them from my life.


Loneliness is a part of this journey for most caregivers, when caring for someone with a illness. I am learning that selfishness will not work as a caregiver, but compassion is a must. I am not a selfish person, but I am an impatient one. What this journey is teaching me how to let that go. No, it's not happen over night, but I can see it very slowly melting away. But those moments of sundowning, truly test your patience for sure!

Everyone can't go with you...

Early in the morning...

Every morning mother is faithful when it comes to reading the Word. I tend to miss here and there, but I work everyday to do better. This one example I need to maintain for myself.

But while I did my devotion time this morning, I was reminded of Psalms 118:8 "It is better to trust in the LORD than to put confidence in man". I have read and heard how majority of caregivers are doing this alone with very little support from family and friends. I did not realize how lonely of a process this is.

I thank God for two friends that I can call and vent too and they encourage me also. My brother does the best he can, for he too is in a caregiver roll and I continue praying for him and my sister-in-love, and there is a couple from my church that give of their time, so that me and a friend can go pack up my house. When they say He has a "ram in the bush", He truly does!!

However, I can still feel disappointed with my family and the lack of help, but on the other hand, I truly don't like asking others, who are not family to help. Like i said, I am so thankful for all they are doing, but I don't want to wear out my welcome either. My mother has gotten comfortable with them, and that is a very good thing.

What most don't realize, often during her sundowning moments, she thinks nobody knows she is here (our family home), and believes they are looking for her elsewhere. Of course she doesn't know where this other house is. Do they know this? Yes, but I am done trying to make grown folks do the right thing!

I know God will supply what we need, and we thought we had what we needed, when He put our love ones in our care. But our eyes were open quickly to the truth. This is a rough road, but the road, and I am going to need God every step of the way, because I can't do it all by myself. I know He's got me!

Reqret is not going to be me...

Will it go round in circles...

I am tired of this thing being on repeat, and I have no way of stopping it. Knowing that this disease will progress, but not knowing how fast, how slow or even when it happens, but how WILL I know?

They say redirection is the way to calm their mind during sundowning time. But not with my mother. She doesn't want to hear anything I have to say or suggest. So what do I do then....walk away or ignore her. Yeah, I know that is not a good thing to do, but when your hands are tied and you've run out of options...just walk away Nita.

One morning she woke from a dream, but still in the dream. I know that sounds weird, it's sleep walking and I had to slowly get her to wake from it. Doing this she will become confused for a moment, but not this time. The confusion lingered for an hour and I remembered what the doctor told me to try. So I gave her a couple of Tylenol, got her to sit in her recliner once we were downstairs, turn on the TV and in about a half hour, she began to calm. She calmed down so much that she actually fell asleep and took a nap. The rest of the day went very well, with only a little bit of confused moments here and there. 

That was Saturday morning and right now for two days, she recognized who I am when I first get up for the day. You have no clue how that makes me feel and the days have been going well too. Her confuse moments has been low an manageable. I thank the Lord for these days. Like I said, this disease is a roller-coaster, and you don't know what is going to happen each day. 

It is a stressful time for me, because I am trying to pack up what I will be moving here from my home. At 66, this is a lot to do and take in. So I pray that God gives me the strength to get through it all. 

The cycle...