Where did my strength go...

I truly thought I was a strong person. I realize I am a weak individual and I am not built to handle every situation in life.  I know somewhere in time, men were taught that they must be strong, show no fear and most of all, men don't cry!  Then they were told that women are weak, beneath them and need someone basically to rule over them. And there are still men today that believe that crap!

Nothing prepares you for the health challenges that may come your way, especially when it's your parent. My mother has out lived her entire family, so I thought, she was in perfect health. Until this Dementia diagnosis,  mother was only taking a low dose blood pressure medication.  So yes, she was in good health.

But I am totally lost with this and don't know how to properly deal with it each and every day. I am trying to hold onto that strong person I know I am, but now, my strength seems to disappear little by little throughout the day. I wake up, ready for what the day may bring, but with one hint of confusion from my mother, that strong wall begins to crumble.

Strength and fear, can not reside at the same time, and you know what I'm about to say....fear wins out each time. When that happens, stress and tears are right behind. No one taught me how to be strong for a love one, or how to care for them, when they are weak. There were a few times she fell down, and I learned very quickly, I was not strong enough to pick her up by myself. I saw the CNA's at the hospital do it, but why couldn't I? Is there a different strength that comes when it's not someone you know?

One thing this is showing me, I need to take care of me too. I need to strengthen my body and mind, to be able care for her and for myself. Caregiving is not for the weak, but you must also recognize your limitations too.  One person can't do it all, and yes their are those who have, but at what cost? Regardless of what direction this journey may go, I am going always be there for my mother.

Caring for mother...

Where is the love...

As I sit here, I think about...where is everybody??? I have been there for some many over the course of my lifetime.  And now that I am unable to do as I use too, or even call as much as I did, I realize,  no one is checking in on me. Well, I shouldn't say no one, there are a few, and that number is very small.  But, it seems when you could really need help, people disappear,  but why is that?

There has been many that have told me, "if you need me for anything, just call me".  Well, I called and I'm tired of leaving voice messages, with no returned calls. It's getting to the point, I don't leave messages anymore. The unnerving part is, people have let me down countless times, over the course of my life. I always have to do things on my own all the time.

My father taught me, let me rephrase that, my father made to be independent, and this cause me to have little faith in men. Guess what? Yes, men have let me down as well. Not that I was waiting for them too, but they showed it in so many ways.  Now, I was told this scripture is in the middle of the Bible, "It is better to trust in the Lord than to put confidence in man." Ps.118.8 (of course some say others). Regardless, I have learned that man (men and women) will let you down, and that means family too.

Us caregivers, need care too. Recently, while meeting with the director of a care facility, she and I got a chance to speak alone and the first thing she said was, "how are you holding up?". I wanted to break down and cry.  Most just ask how mom's doing, but never ask how am I doing in the conversation,  or it is at the end of it.

People need to realize, that there is always someone going through too with those who are ill, especially when it is serious.   We want to have a little faith in people, to show some compassion. But until it happen and during, I got to put my trust in God more each and every day!

Nothing like a mother's love...

Hallucinations...

Do you remember when you were young, and seeing people walking and talking to themselves? I thought those people were crazy and we called them crazy. Little did we know, their behavior was often due to use of drugs or a mental health issue. 

The first person I helped to care for had this issue, and it was due to drug use in his younger years. He was one of those who had conversations with no one there. I got use to him having these full conversations with the voices in his head, and I would tell him not to talk them people while he's with me. Then he would laugh and so would I.

Now days, I am going through it again, but in a different form.  You have no clue how stressful and unnerving it is, to have your loved one, look at you and see someone else, a total stranger.  What makes it worst, they  don't hear your voice either!! With my mother, there is no amount of talking, that is going to convince her, that I am her daughter. It truly breaks my heart each time this happens, which is pretty much ever day. 

The thing I am learning more and more, this  disease, not only robs the person of who they are, but it robs you of a normal life with your love one.  My only fear is, my mother leaving this earth and not knowing who I am.

I've ask the Lord not to take her memory of me away, but I know His will, will be done.  But what this is also teaching me, I must take good care of my mental health. You know we all as children, had our imaginary friends to play with and talk too.  It was cute then, but now seeing it with an adult,  that didn't ask for this, well, it's not cute, it's devastating and there is no cure for it! Lewy Body Dementia

I see you momma...

Don't Cry...

Most don't know, but I am a very sensitive person. I am also a cry baby too. I learned how to not show my emotions, by watching my father. In difficult times, I never saw him stress, worried or appear weak, in intense moments. I thought that is how we are suppose to be.  But in one fleeing moment, I saw my father cry, then it was over just as quick as it came. That shook me and confused me. And now I try my best to remain strong and keep my emotions and tears in check....I can't do it anymore.

Not knowing how each day with my mother will go, is truly nerve-wracking! I feel as if I am walking on egg shells and my stress level is off the charts. I find myself fighting back tears often, especially when someone ask, "how's your mother doing".  Rarely anyone ask me how am I doing, and I fight back the tears then too.

I heard being a caregiver is a thankless job, and I'm learning it's a helpless job as well. By that I mean, people offer to help or says "call me if you need me", well I am quickly learning it is just words.

How can I be strong for my mother, when I'm weak from stress, sleepless nights and no one to help me?  I know I need to lean even more on God, but often times forget to do that. I pray for healing, but know there is no healing for this disease.  I hold my mother every night, and pray for the both of us. I fight back tears even then. I have broke down in front of her. However it was during one of her hallucination, and I just wanted my mother to hold me, but she didn't see me in that moment.

My biggest fear, is when the day come, that my mother will no longer see me, her daughter! 😢

Love you always momma...

I'm a Caregiver...

Years ago, I was asked to help care for a gentleman, as in finding him doctors, taking him to appointments and handling his medication. Pretty simple right? Yes it was, because it wasn't an everyday situation.  I still had a life and pretty much do what I wanted to do, and go.

However, today care situation is more intense and it's for my mother. Never would I have thought, my mother last days (God knows how long it will be) would be filled with memory issues, confusion, hallucinations, anxiety and more. I keep asking myself, did I missed signs of Dementia in her years ago? I saw things that I thought was happening just because she was getting older. Now I am learning she was having memory issues at least 10 years ago.

I often wonder, if I had known what was going on with her, would things be different now? Could it been reversed? Knowing what I know now, we might have been able to slow the process down, but it's not reversible.

I am always going to be there for my mother, but I don't know for how long by myself. Each day is different.  One day she is her old self and the next day hallucinations will come for a visit, not know for how long it plan to stay. Those are the days that get to me the most. There are those moments when my sweet, kind mother, becomes mean and angry, a side of her I have never seen in my life time. But I know it is the illness, and yet it tears me up every time.

Patiences is the key and thick skin, and that i have never been. I can be at times when that side comes out, and other times it gets the best of me and I push back. Yes, I know it's wrong, but I am learning too.  There is a different type of strength I need and I need God to help me with that, and I pray He send what I need to get through this journey!

My mother...My heart