Fresh Air...

Since moving back home, I find myself sitting out on the front porch every morning, when weather allows. In my younger days, we spend so much time outside and sitting on each other's porch. Just talking, laughing and playing. And I just love this. I love it so much. And when I bought my house well, when I was looking for a home, I was looking for one with a front porch. Unfortunately, you had to live in a certain area to really get a porch. Because further out the houses, are more modern, and the porch was no longer there, they had stoops to sit on.

For those with dementia, fresh air is very good for them. Exercise is good for them, just regular everyday routines is good. However, with my mother, I have some issues getting her to do certain things. Especially sitting out on the front porch. She surprised me one day, asking me did I want to go out on the porch with her? Trust me, I jumped up and went with her. Can you believe we sat out on that porch for 5 hours!  Of course, we had some hiccups here and there, because with Dementia, you're just gonna have it, it's not gonna be a day without some type of little up-and-down. But it was still a good day.

There is one thing I notice with her after sitting on the porch and getting the fresh air was that she was sleeping better. We were having a little better evening, once we go inside too, things were a little calmer. Like I mention, you still have some ups and down. But at least they weren't major (that's what sundownin is).  I am working hard to get her back on the porch. Especially when the weather is very good, we had a couple of cooler days. Because it had been cold or cool  she hasn't want to go out because she thinks every day is cool outside but we're going to get out there as much as possible rbefore the summer ends.

Need more of that...

Caregiver life...

Until you have to pause a good portion of your life, to care for a parent(s), grandparent(s) or a love one, you won't know the decision and sacrifices a person has to make to become a caregiver to someone!

To be honest, I didn't believe the doctor when she told me, mom won't be able to live alone. Not knowing what Dementia was and how it affects the person that has it, and telling me someone needs to stay with her. My mother at that time was still able to take care of herself and still can for the most part. So why did I need to stay with her?

One night, I decided to go home and go back after I went to church. Well I got back to the house, I quickly learned that being gone all night was a big mistake. I found her in a state of confusion and fear. Trust me, I did not do that again. It hurt me seeing her that way, to the point that I was scared that I may have hurt her in some way. That Sunday in early 2025, my life was no longer mine.

Here is the crazy part, I had to change the way I lived my life, for my mother prior to being diagnosed with Dementia. My mother would worry about me, especially at night. If I had somewhere to go at night, I learned she wouldn't go to bed until I got back home, and call her to let her know I was in the house. It was so bad that she would not go to bed until she heard from me. 

Since moving back home with her, I have learned just how deep this worrying and fear she has, been going on for many years, and as far back as childhood. My mother has so much fear and worry in her still with this Dementia to a point it is scary for me. You would think she would relax now that I am living with her, but that is not the case.

I wish it would stop, but I know it won't until the final call from the Lord. So I got to find a way to adjust to this change and the others that may or may not come.

Grace and mercy goes with us...

Back home...

After 43 years, I am back at my family home. Never thought it would be to care for my momma, but now that I have relinquish the keys to the home I raised my son in, I'm not sad at all, just glad I can be here for the woman that raised me, no matter how hard it may be.

The constant worrying she was doing about me over the years, kept me from doing so many things I wanted to do. I know most would not let that stop them, but my conscious wouldn't let me be selfish that way. So now all the worrying and stress has taken its toll on her. This past year and half has shown me just how much she stress and worry, even when I am in the house with her.

So, I trust God more now, I pray more, I'm becoming Ms Domestic too! 🤦🏾‍♀️😅 And most of all, I need to be here, no matter how hard it can be. 🙏🏿 Yet, I do pray that more family will step up to the plate, and offer more assistance to me, but to be honest, I don't see that happening any time soon. Not sure what it is with family when it comes to sickness that actually needs assistance. It seems everything else is more important than helping love ones. I maybe wrong, and I pray it's not true.

I will say this, I am so thankful for those who has helped me along the way. If it wasn't for them, my move back home would not have been as smooth. God has truly watched over me during this time. The most stressful time is when she doesn't recognize me when she looks at me. That is really painful for me to endure. So as I sit outside to give her mind a break, I pray that when I go back in, she will see me again.

Now you see me, now you don't...

Sundowning 2.0...

13 straight nights of sundowning with mom. It is so hard on the both of us. I have not handled it well also. However for her, she does not remember the night before, but for me, I do!

I got no sleep a few nights ago, yes I am still tired and today, I managed a hour and half nap, after a night of firework war zone. I hope to nap more every day, and that depends on which direction her mind will take us.

When you are caring for someone by yourself, and no one is offering to relieve you, you can't do for yourself the way you need too and when you do, you need to find ways to decompress. Yes, I am doing what I can to take care of my mental health. Look, I'm not prefect and yes, I have loss it on my mother and immediately ask for forgiveness from God. I do apologize to her, but I wait after she has slept it off.

Yes, we are still sundowning and I know that one thing is driving it now, and that I am moving my things back home and selling my house. I have been going back and forth for awhile now, and finally closing day will be here. Mother's does not process what is being said properly, I am learning. It's like she has dyslexia with her hearing. My prayer is that once this is over with the house, that things will change in her mind too and she will let it go.

Wishful thinking, praying too...

Who can walk this walk...

Of late, I thought about why potential relationships never worked out for me over the years. To be honest, I thought about it a lot. They would start off real good, but sooner or later, I realize that I am the only one invested in the relationships. That is because I was learning just how selfish they were. It turns out they were pretending, so that I am doing for them. One of us would walk away...mainly me.

It wasn't until a recent phone call I got from someone, that God gave me an answer to my question through them. They too are dealing with a parent with Dementia, and they all take turns giving a sibling a break from caretaking. She is taking her turn and she says to me, "I thank God for an understanding husband, for allowing me to go and give my sister for a month".
That right there, had me looking back and it reminded me, that all the men I was involved with, were very selfish, that it was all about them, and that they would not be able to deal with what I am going through with my mother. The thing is, God knew this all along, and He removed them from my life.


Loneliness is a part of this journey for most caregivers, when caring for someone with a illness. I am learning that selfishness will not work as a caregiver, but compassion is a must. I am not a selfish person, but I am an impatient one. What this journey is teaching me how to let that go. No, it's not happen over night, but I can see it very slowly melting away. But those moments of sundowning, truly test your patience for sure!

Everyone can't go with you...

Early in the morning...

Every morning mother is faithful when it comes to reading the Word. I tend to miss here and there, but I work everyday to do better. This one example I need to maintain for myself.

But while I did my devotion time this morning, I was reminded of Psalms 118:8 "It is better to trust in the LORD than to put confidence in man". I have read and heard how majority of caregivers are doing this alone with very little support from family and friends. I did not realize how lonely of a process this is.

I thank God for two friends that I can call and vent too and they encourage me also. My brother does the best he can, for he too is in a caregiver roll and I continue praying for him and my sister-in-love, and there is a couple from my church that give of their time, so that me and a friend can go pack up my house. When they say He has a "ram in the bush", He truly does!!

However, I can still feel disappointed with my family and the lack of help, but on the other hand, I truly don't like asking others, who are not family to help. Like i said, I am so thankful for all they are doing, but I don't want to wear out my welcome either. My mother has gotten comfortable with them, and that is a very good thing.

What most don't realize, often during her sundowning moments, she thinks nobody knows she is here (our family home), and believes they are looking for her elsewhere. Of course she doesn't know where this other house is. Do they know this? Yes, but I am done trying to make grown folks do the right thing!

I know God will supply what we need, and we thought we had what we needed, when He put our love ones in our care. But our eyes were open quickly to the truth. This is a rough road, but the road, and I am going to need God every step of the way, because I can't do it all by myself. I know He's got me!

Reqret is not going to be me...

Will it go round in circles...

I am tired of this thing being on repeat, and I have no way of stopping it. Knowing that this disease will progress, but not knowing how fast, how slow or even when it happens, but how WILL I know?

They say redirection is the way to calm their mind during sundowning time. But not with my mother. She doesn't want to hear anything I have to say or suggest. So what do I do then....walk away or ignore her. Yeah, I know that is not a good thing to do, but when your hands are tied and you've run out of options...just walk away Nita.

One morning she woke from a dream, but still in the dream. I know that sounds weird, it's sleep walking and I had to slowly get her to wake from it. Doing this she will become confused for a moment, but not this time. The confusion lingered for an hour and I remembered what the doctor told me to try. So I gave her a couple of Tylenol, got her to sit in her recliner once we were downstairs, turn on the TV and in about a half hour, she began to calm. She calmed down so much that she actually fell asleep and took a nap. The rest of the day went very well, with only a little bit of confused moments here and there. 

That was Saturday morning and right now for two days, she recognized who I am when I first get up for the day. You have no clue how that makes me feel and the days have been going well too. Her confuse moments has been low an manageable. I thank the Lord for these days. Like I said, this disease is a roller-coaster, and you don't know what is going to happen each day. 

It is a stressful time for me, because I am trying to pack up what I will be moving here from my home. At 66, this is a lot to do and take in. So I pray that God gives me the strength to get through it all. 

The cycle...

3 o'clock in the morning...

Actually it is now 4:30 am, and all I am doing is tossing and turning, trying to go back to sleep. My mother got up around 3 AM to go to the bathroom. When she came out of the bathroom, I heard her going down the stairs, so I got up to find out where she was going. She told me she was going to find a way to get home. All she had on was her robe and carrying her canvas bag. Once I had her back in her bedroom, I found out she had packed clothes inside her canvas bag.

I told her what time it was and that she needed to go back to bed. The thing is, she did not recognize that it was dark in the house. Yes she had her lamp on and the bathroom light on too. I put motion sensor lights along the stairs, but not realize it was still dark, let me know she was either sleep walking or continuing what she was dreaming.  This is the second time in almost 2 weeks, and it's been almost a month since it last happen.

I blame this on a friend of mine, who asked me if she had gotten up in the middle of the night. I say that, for I truly believe there is power in the tongue. Proverbs 18:21, (MSG) "Words kill, words give life; they’re either poison or fruit—you choose". I believe we have to be careful of what we speak out loud into the atmosphere. Satan is always listening and waiting  to mess up our life with our own words. So, she mention it, and two nights later, it happen which by the way, it was a Sunday morning, when I needed my sleep.

I already have a full plate with trying to pack up my things to move them here with her, but not getting enough rest isn't good for either of us. I did get her back in bed, but for me, I pray she will nap this afternoon, so that I can get a bit of sleep.

People just don't realize what we go through as caregivers to our love ones. I just knew other family members would help and give me a break from time to time, but I quickly learned, that is not the case. I also learned that this is a common thing. Not only the lack of help, but the isolation is painful, not just for the caregiver but more so for the one who is going through with Dementia.

It hurts to hear my mother ask me, "where is everybody?", or "has anybody called today?". I for one shouldn't have to ask grown people to spend time with her or at least call her. I don't want to believe they just don't care, but I truly believe that they don't!

For now, I need her to get those naps in, and I hope everyday. I know there will be times that it won't happen, but I got to make sure she doesn't go to long without one. I need my rest too!

It is now 5:59am...

What's it all about...

There are many different forms of Dementia and my mother has Lewy Body with Parkinson. No one should have to live with Dementia nor die from it, but that is the reality of it.

With Lewy Body, there is sleeping issues, hallucinations, memory problems and with the Parkinson, movement issues. Yes, she has all of that, but with some medication, it helps lowers all of the symptoms, also along with good rest.

Without being well rested at night she may have some night terrors, screaming or yelling, along with hallucinations, which often times become a problem, especially in the mornings.

When she does not recognize me in the mornings or any other time during the day, she will not leave the house or go with me anywhere. The worst part is when she search the house looking for me, the anxiety kicks in and no amount of talking will calm her down. This is one of the reason why sleep is so important to those with Lewy Body.

However the Parkinson is affecting her movement as in walking, posture and balance.

Now that I been back home with her, I am learning so much of what she is going through within her mind, fear, worry, anxiety and stress. All this would affect your mind too. One thing for sure, lewy body makes the phrase "out of sight, out of mind", a true reality!

Everyday is different...
Some days are calm
Some days are chaotic
Some days are normal
Some days are shared with hallucinations
Some days are a roller-coaster ride

But we're here and I am still learning how to move within those days. Did I want to just leave and not come back? Yes!!! Would I actually leave? No!!! God said, "Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee." I have done this all my life and will continue doing so.

So this morning, she greeted me with a smile, kiss and hug. I needed more mornings like this, and I asked God for more! 💞

Life be Lifin...

Selfie...

A few days ago, reminded me again how much of a roller-coaster ride Dementia is. I took this photo of mom giving me a kiss. In that moment I thought she knew she was kissing me, her daughter, but I learned later that day, that she did not know it was me. Yes, it hurts every time she doesn't recognize me.

Most wonder why I don't take her to church. They don't know I have canceled appointments last mintue or wait until she's gone to bed to make phone calls. All of it is because she doesn't see me, her daughter, first thing in the mornings and this can going on throughout the day. So because of not recognizing me, she refuses to go with me, because I'm not her "Nita". Yes, she knows "Nita" will be taking her somewhere that day, since she doesn't see me in those moments, she starts panicking, and go in search for me throughout the house. I am at a loss, for nothing I say or try to do will calm her.

Yes, this too is heartbreaking, but this is my reality of living with Dementia. Trust me, she can still entertain company, whether she sees me or not. But I've notice the switch back can happens during visits too.

That day, I am sitting in another room for awhile, praying that when I join her, the visual will change. If not, I have to be careful of what I say and how I move around her until it does changes back.

God is still working on me and my impatience ways and I'm getting a bit better with it, for I have too, or I will be no good for her or myself. I had a brief meltdown recently and I walked away from her. Part of the roller-coaster is saying certain things repeatedly. I do my best to give her answers she will accept.  But with my mother, I can't use the same answers either, for she remembers what I have told her, and reminds me I said that before and then situation intensify after.

I know her mind is compromise, and one would think she will not remember what has been said, but she does and often. It's so frustrating and I allow it to get to me. There is a lot of work within me, I need to do and I do know, I need God to help me more and more everyday.

One good thing did happen the day of the meltdown, once she got to talk to her grandson (my son), she calmed down a lot and the rest of the day was much better. 

🤦🏾‍♀️life...

Last night...

I'm not sure how I feel with things going back to the beginning. What I mean is that lately, mom is having sundowning moments more frequently. I am doing a bit better with them now, compared to a year ago, but I truly hate them, and what she is going through with them.

I know there is no way to avoid it, but there are ways to minimize it. But that is difficult at times with her, because when it comes to redirecting her, it may only last for a moment, if that long or if I can redirect her. I have learned during this past year, my mother is a very stubborn person and once her mind is made up, there is no way of changing it. So when sundowning hits, you can only imagine what I am going through with her.

One thing I can say about these moments is that, I hardly call my brother now for help. Back then I would be totally beside myself in a panic and not able to control my emotions. I still have issues with my emotions, but I'm learning how to keep them in check better, however there are times when it gets to, but I do my best to reel it back in. So now, once it's settles down and she's in bed, I update my brother then.

Now that I don't have the support that I thought I would have, I got to get a grip on my emotions and protect my mental health. I can not and will not allow this illness to mess with my mind, for I would be no good when it comes to caring for my mother. But I am grateful to those who will allow me to vent, and the few that are willing to be with her when I have important things to do, but I do my best to space that out, so I don't run them off.

Dementia sucks...

Ooh Child...

Wow, yesterday went into a direction I have not experienced with my mother. Her Lewy Body Dementia, affects her vision also. She will look at me, and sees an entirely different person. So in her mind, this is a real human being and no amount of explaining will help.

She was seeing me, but after her fixation with her purse for well over an hour, she looks at me and ask, "Where did Nita go?" And it went downhill fast from there. She was an emotional wreck and I was trying to keep myself in check. But no amount of answers I would give her would satisfy her mind and she was determined to find me.

It had gotten to the point that I had to go outside the house for a bit, hoping things will switch back and when I came back in, it had, but now with bigger issues. Now I needed to find the person she was seeing, although it was me. It was a bigger mess!! Through all the chaos, I guess the sleep meds kicked in and she went to bed, thank God!! 

This disease has so many different layers and I feel like I am on a roller-coaster when things go the wrong direction.  I now understand why caregivers are stress, tired and sick, for our bodies and minds aren't built for this. I thank God that mom sleeps all night 99% of the time and thankful when I can get 7 to 8 hours of sleep. Strength is what we need each day, physically and mentally.

Let it get easier...

I keep forgetting...

Tell me, how would you feel, if your parent did not recognize you? Well for me, it appears this is my new normal and I am having a hard time dealing with it. I know the best thing to do is not react to it and just go with the flow. And I probably  could,  but when she mention my name as if I'm not there, I died inside and it takes everything in me not to break down in tears or yell who I am, and if I do that, things get out of hand and then I am left trying to calm her.

My main prayer was not let her not see me. Of course I didn't know how I would handle it and now I know...not good at all. This disease is horrible and they may not remember what has been said or done, but we as caregivers remember. Trust me, I do feel like walking away, and I know that I can't.  I feel and have yelled and later ask God and her for forgiveness.  Most times she doesn't remember what had happen, and if she does remember, I still apologize for my actions. Last thing I want to be is disrespectful to my mother.

Look at it this way, we aren't prefect and as long as we are in this flesh, we are going to make mistakes. The thing is, we need to be slow to speak and slow to anger, and I need to work on that quick. I often wonder if I was prepared for this part of life ahead of time, would I be different? But i don't think anyone will truly be prepared for this disease. Dementia is no joke! It has to be the cruelest disease out there, to be alive, but your brain is slowly dying.

Yes, I fear all that is yet to come and I pray the Lord will help me through it. I wish that I and so many other caregivers, had family that are willing to help care for them. I am slowly coming to terms that I'm pretty much in this alone. I do have a brother and he helps when he can. Trust me, I know his time is limited and he does his best to accommodate when I need him. No, I'm not making excuses for him, I just know what all is on his plate.

Everyone live their lives according to what is important to them. I have lived my life according to how my mother was feeling (I will explain that another time). But I recently saw a post saying, "once caregiving is over, there is no going back to what you use to be". For now, I got to adjust to what maybe the new normal...

Lord, Give me strength...

A change is gonna come...

At least that is what I'm praying for. As I mention it has not been good these past 2 and half months. It could be the disease is progressing or the lack of sleep and rest. Today has me believing it is the lack of sleep. Once again she didn't sleep well and did not recognize me when she came downstairs. Let me explain, she has Lewy Body Dementia and one of the symptoms that come with it is hallucinations.

This is the part I do not handle well. She looks at me and see a different person and when she ask where I am, it's like someone stabbed me in the heart with a knife! They tell me I need to "go with it", but I am not strong enough to do that. I get very emotional as soon as it happen. What really get to me is the fact that she thinks these people are real!

I'm trying the best I can to live in her moments, but I am not good at pretending I see what she sees. I tend to always say the wrong thing and then everything goes south from there. Especially when it mostly happens when she's tired and her mind is seeing what it's sees. I am still in rookie season with this, and I don't want to be in this season at all. I saw my mother differently when she is in her 90's, but not with Dementia. But if there is one thing it has taught me, to take care of my brain health.

Stress and worry is the biggest killers of the mind. And now I am learning how much she has worried and still do, even when I am downstairs watching TV.  God has me here for so many reasons, and I need to stay closer to Him, more now then I have ever been.

Don't leave me Lord...

Just my imagination...

Now days we're living on repeat. The repeat of mom not recognizing me every morning.  I wish there was a sure way of making that change for her, but this is part of the disease and I hate this for me, and mainly for her. Lately it is not until early afternoon that her mind allow her to see me, her daughter. The worst part is, she believes that the images  of other people are real.

Trying to  convince her differently creates confusion, agitation, anxiety and more. I am often calling on the Lord to keep me strong and not give into my emotions. But it is so hard not to do. When I said caregiving is not for the weak, well it is true especially for those with no training and very little help.

Saturday evening of all nights (because I need to get up early in the morning), she has a major sundowning moment which lasted for  an hour. We had a full moon recently and those make it worst for her and now with the time change, it is not helping either. At least she knows who I am in these moments, but not knowing why she is in her own house is what drives her sundowning episodes. 

However, Monday she did not recognize me the entire day, and another major sundowning session that lasted for 2 hours. It took everything in me not to yell and scream!! It wouldn't done any good, it would just make things worst. And Tuesday it was around 2:15pm, when I learned she was still not recognizing who I was, I had a mental breakdown and I needed to get out of the house. So I sat in my car, called two people and broke down crying. It has now been 31 hours, with my mother not seeing me when she looks at me. Can you imagine how that would feel? Your mother not recognizing who you are? But it took me going out the house, to get her brain to finally see me.

Do you see me...

Person in the mirror...

The fact that Dementia will affect a person memory is one thing, but when they don't remember who you are, is a whole other level of hurt for you! My mother was not recognizing me first thing in the mornings.  I know the doctor said it is part of the progression of the disease. But I am not claiming that! Because there were times when this happens, and I would leave for an hour and come back, she would recognize me then. But that wasn't happening for awhile now. Yes, I got fearful.

Then one morning after she got up, I fell back to sleep and woke a little over an hour later. When I got downstairs, I asked how she was doing, she told me, "I'm fine", but she said it in the way my brother would said it, and she told me herself that is how my brother says it.  I almost started crying, but instead I said "thank you Lord"! You have no clue how it made me feel. My mother saw me again!

It has been almost a week now, and only had one day when she didn't recognize me first thing in the morning.  So if I have to come downstairs a little later, then that's what I will do, but it helps me too, for I need the extra sleep. But I know there may come a day that she migth forget who I am, but I pray I am much stronger then I am now, so I can handle it.

I see you...

Night Moves...

I'm a sleeper and when my sleep is interrupted, I am not easy to be around..normally. But now, I have to move differently and it's not easy for me. I have to actually reprogram my thought patterns, because it is my mother who is interrupting my sleep, but it's not her fault, it's dementia's fault.

For awhile it seems every other night she was having nightmares. Most times she did not totally wake up, but was acting out what was happening in her sleep. And it would last anywhere from a couple of mintues to fifteen mintues, regardless, I would be awake for sometime after and often, sleep would not come to me for the rest of the night. Maybe that is why I am tried now!

For the pass couple of weeks, I am using a air freshener diffuser in her bedroom.  I picked up a scent called " Calm" by Febreze prior to the diffuser, and I love the scent. It was actually calming, and thought I give it a try in her room. So far she has been sleeping better, which is a good thing. I am actually starting to sleep better too, but it is going to be awhile before I am fully rested.

Sleep is important for those with Dementia and I believe it slows the progression of the disease. Funny, sleep is the one thing most do not get enough of. Like I said, I'm a sleeper and I am missing my 8 1/2 to 10 hours of sleep a night. I know, who does that! I did until Dementia came into my life. Now I am learning, she is not sleeping straight through the night, and that is a problem. Sleep is crucial for everyone, and more so for those battling Dementia.

Calgon take me away...

Do you know what time it is?...

I did not know there's a day to recognize caregivers! Every third Friday of February, but it should be everyday. 

I knew people who cared for their loved ones over the years, but I didn't realize how overwhelming it is in so many ways. I now wish I had been more supportive, because going through this with next to no support/help, is very challenging both physically and mentally.

I thank the ones who has helped when they can. Most of all, I thank God for being my strength and giving me a gentle reminder of "why" I need to do this, each time I wanted to walk away. 

To all caregivers, I pray God will strengthen you in this journey and that He will give others a compassionate heart to help. 

National Caregivers Day .

Somebody watching me...

Before Dementia came into my life, I wasn't fully living life. What does that mean? Although my mother wasn't living with me, it was like she was watching me. She sat and worried all the time when she knew I wasn't home. I know I said this before, but now that I am living with her, she watches for me to get back when I make a run to the store. When I get back she says to me, "I thought it was about time for you to get back"! Most times she doesn't remember me leaving!

But, this past month has been rough on the both of us. Since new years eve, every morning my mother does not see me when she looks at me. It was happening off and on for a long time, but somewhat regular now. A week ago, we had a doctor appointment but she became very agitated and angry because I wasn't there to take her. I had to get my brother on the phone to convince her that we need to go to this appointment and that it was me with her. We made it to the appointment, and I learned it is part of the lewy body with her vision. Now that I know, I have to learn how to deal with it...btw, half way through the appointment, she started recognizing me, and on the way home, she told me how she didn't appreciate how I sent the "fake" Nita to take her to the appointment!🤦🏾‍♀️

Crazy thing is, she watches the other person (which is me) so closely, that she tells me every word and action that happen! It's really crazy when she tells my brother too. There are too many different levels to Dementia. Way to much to learn and keep up with. Their personality is all over the place. But when they become scared, it is scary for you as well. But the flip side, she remembers all I say and do, during those off moments, because is not seeing me during those moments. So she does pay attention to me this way, although she sees me as someone else.

However, I didn't realize just how much time, I would be spending watching her. Her movements are slower now and a bit unstable, but she is still pretty independent in somethings, and want that to remain the same. I do make sure I am close by to help when needed and measure the temperature of her mental state, before I do what I need to do.

Watching her watching me...

Transparent Moment: What a year has taught me...

I have been staying with mother and year and a month. I will say, I am not built to be a caregiver. I truly don't know how people can do this for a living. But once I thought about, they can, because they get a break from it. Most only do it for a few hours a day, some for 8 hours and others for overnight. For me, it's 24/7, and I have and still do, make a lot of mistakes. Caring for someone's physical body is one thing, but to care for a person's mind is not for the weak.

It is mentally draining, and hurtful at times, especially those times when she doesn't recognize me and thinks I'm someone else. You know there are certain situations where you need tough skin to get through it until it's time for you to leave. But now, I have to tough it up in a major way. I was always one to be able to remove myself, when I know something is going down the wrong path. This time, I can't escape.

But I have come to the realization, that God has me here for a reason. With all that is going on, I am getting my prayer life back on track, doing my devotionals, both day and night. Slowly starting to react differently when her mind goes left. But I am human and I will make mistakes and react badly at times, and I ask her and God for forgiveness for my actions and move forward praying I'll do better.

Yes, caregiving is not for the weak...