Last night...

I'm not sure how I feel with things going back to the beginning. What I mean is that lately, mom is having sundowning moments more frequently. I am doing a bit better with them now, compared to a year ago, but I truly hate them, and what she is going through with them.

I know there is no way to avoid it, but there are ways to minimize it. But that is difficult at times with her, because when it comes to redirecting her, it may only last for a moment, if that long or if I can redirect her. I have learned during this past year, my mother is a very stubborn person and once her mind is made up, there is no way of changing it. So when sundowning hits, you can only imagine what I am going through with her.

One thing I can say about these moments is that, I hardly call my brother now for help. Back then I would be totally beside myself in a panic and not able to control my emotions. I still have issues with my emotions, but I'm learning how to keep them in check better, however there are times when it gets to, but I do my best to reel it back in. So now, once it's settles down and she's in bed, I update my brother then.

Now that I don't have the support that I thought I would have, I got to get a grip on my emotions and protect my mental health. I can not and will not allow this illness to mess with my mind, for I would be no good when it comes to caring for my mother. But I am grateful to those who will allow me to vent, and the few that are willing to be with her when I have important things to do, but I do my best to space that out, so I don't run them off.

Dementia sucks...

Ooh Child...

Wow, yesterday went into a direction I have not experienced with my mother. Her Lewy Body Dementia, affects her vision also. She will look at me, and sees an entirely different person. So in her mind, this is a real human being and no amount of explaining will help.

She was seeing me, but after her fixation with her purse for well over an hour, she looks at me and ask, "Where did Nita go?" And it went downhill fast from there. She was an emotional wreck and I was trying to keep myself in check. But no amount of answers I would give her would satisfy her mind and she was determined to find me.

It had gotten to the point that I had to go outside the house for a bit, hoping things will switch back and when I came back in, it had, but now with bigger issues. Now I needed to find the person she was seeing, although it was me. It was a bigger mess!! Through all the chaos, I guess the sleep meds kicked in and she went to bed, thank God!! 

This disease has so many different layers and I feel like I am on a roller-coaster when things go the wrong direction.  I now understand why caregivers are stress, tired and sick, for our bodies and minds aren't built for this. I thank God that mom sleeps all night 99% of the time and thankful when I can get 7 to 8 hours of sleep. Strength is what we need each day, physically and mentally.

Let it get easier...

I keep forgetting...

Tell me, how would you feel, if your parent did not recognize you? Well for me, it appears this is my new normal and I am having a hard time dealing with it. I know the best thing to do is not react to it and just go with the flow. And I probably  could,  but when she mention my name as if I'm not there, I died inside and it takes everything in me not to break down in tears or yell who I am, and if I do that, things get out of hand and then I am left trying to calm her.

My main prayer was not let her not see me. Of course I didn't know how I would handle it and now I know...not good at all. This disease is horrible and they may not remember what has been said or done, but we as caregivers remember. Trust me, I do feel like walking away, and I know that I can't.  I feel and have yelled and later ask God and her for forgiveness.  Most times she doesn't remember what had happen, and if she does remember, I still apologize for my actions. Last thing I want to be is disrespectful to my mother.

Look at it this way, we aren't prefect and as long as we are in this flesh, we are going to make mistakes. The thing is, we need to be slow to speak and slow to anger, and I need to work on that quick. I often wonder if I was prepared for this part of life ahead of time, would I be different? But i don't think anyone will truly be prepared for this disease. Dementia is no joke! It has to be the cruelest disease out there, to be alive, but your brain is slowly dying.

Yes, I fear all that is yet to come and I pray the Lord will help me through it. I wish that I and so many other caregivers, had family that are willing to help care for them. I am slowly coming to terms that I'm pretty much in this alone. I do have a brother and he helps when he can. Trust me, I know his time is limited and he does his best to accommodate when I need him. No, I'm not making excuses for him, I just know what all is on his plate.

Everyone live their lives according to what is important to them. I have lived my life according to how my mother was feeling (I will explain that another time). But I recently saw a post saying, "once caregiving is over, there is no going back to what you use to be". For now, I got to adjust to what maybe the new normal...

Lord, Give me strength...