Over thinking....

Today, I wish I could have gotten my mother to stop overthinking all the time. I know worry and fear is the driving force, but now with dementia, it is amped up so much that there is no way of calming her down.

During sundowning she told me how she see all her things here,  but doesn't know how it got here. Yes we are at home, but during sundowning,  she doesn't recognizes that she is home. But she explain to me that my grandparents (my father parents) home, was home. See early on in the journey, I drove her to where she thought she lived, and she took me right to my grandparents old home. Growing up, we did spend a lot of time there and they didn't live far from us. My grandparents loved my mother and treated her as if she was their natural daughter. So I get why during these moment she believes that's home.

It's something how the mind is all over the place during sundowning.  So many twist and turns, confusion, agitation and so many more. They tell me how I need to meet her where she is in the moment. That is so hard to do, because with one wrong word/action will send her into a emotional spinal! The overthinking doesn't help either. While writing this, she is upset about people at some house, not knowing when we will be over there tonight. Guess what? She has no clue who those people are. So why would you want to go somewhere to stay with people you don't know?

There is no sense of common sense when in sundowning and overthinking makes it worst. The one thing that will calm her mind is sleep. But how do you get someone to nap, when they didn't sleep well the night before? Unfortunately, she doesn't recognize when she is tired either.

Need calmness in life...

Porch Therapy....

I am truly going to miss sitting out on the porch every day once the cooler fall and winter days sets in. This porch has kept me from losing myself when things got rough with my mom, yet it brought calm to me, knowing that God makes no mistakes. He knew I needed to be back home to be with and help my mother in this final stages of life. I do not know the day, nor the hour, but I am going to do my best to take care of her, each and every day!

Caring for someone not related to you is a bit easier, at least that is how I feel. I semi cared for someone other then family, so when my time was up, I went home. But for your parent and you have to move back home, there is no leaving for the day. That is where the front porch come in for me. It was like going away to another place other then inside the house.

Being out there, it gives me a chance to reflect on what brought me out there most times. I ask God to forgive me for my reactions a lot of time or thank Him for whispering in my ear to "go outside". And what happen to cause me to retreat there....mother in a confused and agitated state!  It used to bother me when she cried or yell, and my reaction to it was not good at all. That is when sitting on the porch helped me to calm my spirit, so that I don't say the wrong thing to my mother.

Dementia will test your character in so many ways. That is why we need an outlet at all cause. I now have to think about other outlets more, since fall and winter is upon us. There maybe days warm enough to step outside or even sit in my car.  Us who don't have help, often have to create outlets. Our mental health is being stretch being caregivers. It's not our love one's fault, but when you are not properly trained to care for individuals with Dementia, it become a very stressful life.

Yes, my porch gives me peace that my mind and body needs every day!

My happy place...

On repeat...

If I could change the channel, trust me I would! With repeat on TV, actually reruns, they are entertaining, but reruns with Dementia is not entertaining at all. Who wants to hear, "I want to go home" everyday or you being told you are wrong everyday  when your memory is not the one that has been compromised.

Recently, mother has been sundowning more and more everyday. And one day it started first thing in the morning and stopped when she went to bed. It was a very exhausting day for the both of us, but at a certain time it hit me, "full moon".  Yes I looked it up and it was a full moon that day!

Not sure why things get more intense with them during a full moon, but I need to find a way to lessen the sundowning (if that is possible) so that our day can be a bit calmer. The stress of care giving is getting too me now and I need my outlets more and more everyday. I am learning that I can't allow the stress of this to consume me. I need to calm and exercise my mind now.

I am learning a lot about my mother since moving back home, and she has carried a lot of anger, which turned into stress and worry for 60 plus years. I can not let that be my reality for the rest of my life.  So since I am doing this alone, I need to make sure I have things in place to be able to decompress. Beside, I need to be mentally healthy for us both.

Such a crazy life...

Fresh Air...

Since moving back home, I find myself sitting out on the front porch every morning, when weather allows. In my younger days, we spend so much time outside and sitting on each other's porch. Just talking, laughing and playing. And I just love this. I love it so much. And when I bought my house well, when I was looking for a home, I was looking for one with a front porch. Unfortunately, you had to live in a certain area to really get a porch. Because further out the houses, are more modern, and the porch was no longer there, they had stoops to sit on.

For those with dementia, fresh air is very good for them. Exercise is good for them, just regular everyday routines is good. However, with my mother, I have some issues getting her to do certain things. Especially sitting out on the front porch. She surprised me one day, asking me did I want to go out on the porch with her? Trust me, I jumped up and went with her. Can you believe we sat out on that porch for 5 hours!  Of course, we had some hiccups here and there, because with Dementia, you're just gonna have it, it's not gonna be a day without some type of little up-and-down. But it was still a good day.

There is one thing I notice with her after sitting on the porch and getting the fresh air was that she was sleeping better. We were having a little better evening, once we go inside too, things were a little calmer. Like I mention, you still have some ups and down. But at least they weren't major (that's what sundownin is).  I am working hard to get her back on the porch. Especially when the weather is very good, we had a couple of cooler days. Because it had been cold or cool  she hasn't want to go out because she thinks every day is cool outside but we're going to get out there as much as possible rbefore the summer ends.

Need more of that...

Caregiver life...

Until you have to pause a good portion of your life, to care for a parent(s), grandparent(s) or a love one, you won't know the decision and sacrifices a person has to make to become a caregiver to someone!

To be honest, I didn't believe the doctor when she told me, mom won't be able to live alone. Not knowing what Dementia was and how it affects the person that has it, and telling me someone needs to stay with her. My mother at that time was still able to take care of herself and still can for the most part. So why did I need to stay with her?

One night, I decided to go home and go back after I went to church. Well I got back to the house, I quickly learned that being gone all night was a big mistake. I found her in a state of confusion and fear. Trust me, I did not do that again. It hurt me seeing her that way, to the point that I was scared that I may have hurt her in some way. That Sunday in early 2025, my life was no longer mine.

Here is the crazy part, I had to change the way I lived my life, for my mother prior to being diagnosed with Dementia. My mother would worry about me, especially at night. If I had somewhere to go at night, I learned she wouldn't go to bed until I got back home, and call her to let her know I was in the house. It was so bad that she would not go to bed until she heard from me. 

Since moving back home with her, I have learned just how deep this worrying and fear she has, been going on for many years, and as far back as childhood. My mother has so much fear and worry in her still with this Dementia to a point it is scary for me. You would think she would relax now that I am living with her, but that is not the case.

I wish it would stop, but I know it won't until the final call from the Lord. So I got to find a way to adjust to this change and the others that may or may not come.

Grace and mercy goes with us...

Back home...

After 43 years, I am back at my family home. Never thought it would be to care for my momma, but now that I have relinquish the keys to the home I raised my son in, I'm not sad at all, just glad I can be here for the woman that raised me, no matter how hard it may be.

The constant worrying she was doing about me over the years, kept me from doing so many things I wanted to do. I know most would not let that stop them, but my conscious wouldn't let me be selfish that way. So now all the worrying and stress has taken its toll on her. This past year and half has shown me just how much she stress and worry, even when I am in the house with her.

So, I trust God more now, I pray more, I'm becoming Ms Domestic too! 🤦🏾‍♀️😅 And most of all, I need to be here, no matter how hard it can be. 🙏🏿 Yet, I do pray that more family will step up to the plate, and offer more assistance to me, but to be honest, I don't see that happening any time soon. Not sure what it is with family when it comes to sickness that actually needs assistance. It seems everything else is more important than helping love ones. I maybe wrong, and I pray it's not true.

I will say this, I am so thankful for those who has helped me along the way. If it wasn't for them, my move back home would not have been as smooth. God has truly watched over me during this time. The most stressful time is when she doesn't recognize me when she looks at me. That is really painful for me to endure. So as I sit outside to give her mind a break, I pray that when I go back in, she will see me again.

Now you see me, now you don't...

Sundowning 2.0...

13 straight nights of sundowning with mom. It is so hard on the both of us. I have not handled it well also. However for her, she does not remember the night before, but for me, I do!

I got no sleep a few nights ago, yes I am still tired and today, I managed a hour and half nap, after a night of firework war zone. I hope to nap more every day, and that depends on which direction her mind will take us.

When you are caring for someone by yourself, and no one is offering to relieve you, you can't do for yourself the way you need too and when you do, you need to find ways to decompress. Yes, I am doing what I can to take care of my mental health. Look, I'm not prefect and yes, I have loss it on my mother and immediately ask for forgiveness from God. I do apologize to her, but I wait after she has slept it off.

Yes, we are still sundowning and I know that one thing is driving it now, and that I am moving my things back home and selling my house. I have been going back and forth for awhile now, and finally closing day will be here. Mother's does not process what is being said properly, I am learning. It's like she has dyslexia with her hearing. My prayer is that once this is over with the house, that things will change in her mind too and she will let it go.

Wishful thinking, praying too...

Who can walk this walk...

Of late, I thought about why potential relationships never worked out for me over the years. To be honest, I thought about it a lot. They would start off real good, but sooner or later, I realize that I am the only one invested in the relationships. That is because I was learning just how selfish they were. It turns out they were pretending, so that I am doing for them. One of us would walk away...mainly me.

It wasn't until a recent phone call I got from someone, that God gave me an answer to my question through them. They too are dealing with a parent with Dementia, and they all take turns giving a sibling a break from caretaking. She is taking her turn and she says to me, "I thank God for an understanding husband, for allowing me to go and give my sister for a month".
That right there, had me looking back and it reminded me, that all the men I was involved with, were very selfish, that it was all about them, and that they would not be able to deal with what I am going through with my mother. The thing is, God knew this all along, and He removed them from my life.


Loneliness is a part of this journey for most caregivers, when caring for someone with a illness. I am learning that selfishness will not work as a caregiver, but compassion is a must. I am not a selfish person, but I am an impatient one. What this journey is teaching me how to let that go. No, it's not happen over night, but I can see it very slowly melting away. But those moments of sundowning, truly test your patience for sure!

Everyone can't go with you...

Early in the morning...

Every morning mother is faithful when it comes to reading the Word. I tend to miss here and there, but I work everyday to do better. This one example I need to maintain for myself.

But while I did my devotion time this morning, I was reminded of Psalms 118:8 "It is better to trust in the LORD than to put confidence in man". I have read and heard how majority of caregivers are doing this alone with very little support from family and friends. I did not realize how lonely of a process this is.

I thank God for two friends that I can call and vent too and they encourage me also. My brother does the best he can, for he too is in a caregiver roll and I continue praying for him and my sister-in-love, and there is a couple from my church that give of their time, so that me and a friend can go pack up my house. When they say He has a "ram in the bush", He truly does!!

However, I can still feel disappointed with my family and the lack of help, but on the other hand, I truly don't like asking others, who are not family to help. Like i said, I am so thankful for all they are doing, but I don't want to wear out my welcome either. My mother has gotten comfortable with them, and that is a very good thing.

What most don't realize, often during her sundowning moments, she thinks nobody knows she is here (our family home), and believes they are looking for her elsewhere. Of course she doesn't know where this other house is. Do they know this? Yes, but I am done trying to make grown folks do the right thing!

I know God will supply what we need, and we thought we had what we needed, when He put our love ones in our care. But our eyes were open quickly to the truth. This is a rough road, but the road, and I am going to need God every step of the way, because I can't do it all by myself. I know He's got me!

Reqret is not going to be me...

Will it go round in circles...

I am tired of this thing being on repeat, and I have no way of stopping it. Knowing that this disease will progress, but not knowing how fast, how slow or even when it happens, but how WILL I know?

They say redirection is the way to calm their mind during sundowning time. But not with my mother. She doesn't want to hear anything I have to say or suggest. So what do I do then....walk away or ignore her. Yeah, I know that is not a good thing to do, but when your hands are tied and you've run out of options...just walk away Nita.

One morning she woke from a dream, but still in the dream. I know that sounds weird, it's sleep walking and I had to slowly get her to wake from it. Doing this she will become confused for a moment, but not this time. The confusion lingered for an hour and I remembered what the doctor told me to try. So I gave her a couple of Tylenol, got her to sit in her recliner once we were downstairs, turn on the TV and in about a half hour, she began to calm. She calmed down so much that she actually fell asleep and took a nap. The rest of the day went very well, with only a little bit of confused moments here and there. 

That was Saturday morning and right now for two days, she recognized who I am when I first get up for the day. You have no clue how that makes me feel and the days have been going well too. Her confuse moments has been low an manageable. I thank the Lord for these days. Like I said, this disease is a roller-coaster, and you don't know what is going to happen each day. 

It is a stressful time for me, because I am trying to pack up what I will be moving here from my home. At 66, this is a lot to do and take in. So I pray that God gives me the strength to get through it all. 

The cycle...

Do you know what time it is?...

I did not know there's a day to recognize caregivers! Every third Friday of February, but it should be everyday. 

I knew people who cared for their loved ones over the years, but I didn't realize how overwhelming it is in so many ways. I now wish I had been more supportive, because going through this with next to no support/help, is very challenging both physically and mentally.

I thank the ones who has helped when they can. Most of all, I thank God for being my strength and giving me a gentle reminder of "why" I need to do this, each time I wanted to walk away. 

To all caregivers, I pray God will strengthen you in this journey and that He will give others a compassionate heart to help. 

National Caregivers Day .

Somebody watching me...

Before Dementia came into my life, I wasn't fully living life. What does that mean? Although my mother wasn't living with me, it was like she was watching me. She sat and worried all the time when she knew I wasn't home. I know I said this before, but now that I am living with her, she watches for me to get back when I make a run to the store. When I get back she says to me, "I thought it was about time for you to get back"! Most times she doesn't remember me leaving!

But, this past month has been rough on the both of us. Since new years eve, every morning my mother does not see me when she looks at me. It was happening off and on for a long time, but somewhat regular now. A week ago, we had a doctor appointment but she became very agitated and angry because I wasn't there to take her. I had to get my brother on the phone to convince her that we need to go to this appointment and that it was me with her. We made it to the appointment, and I learned it is part of the lewy body with her vision. Now that I know, I have to learn how to deal with it...btw, half way through the appointment, she started recognizing me, and on the way home, she told me how she didn't appreciate how I sent the "fake" Nita to take her to the appointment!🤦🏾‍♀️

Crazy thing is, she watches the other person (which is me) so closely, that she tells me every word and action that happen! It's really crazy when she tells my brother too. There are too many different levels to Dementia. Way to much to learn and keep up with. Their personality is all over the place. But when they become scared, it is scary for you as well. But the flip side, she remembers all I say and do, during those off moments, because is not seeing me during those moments. So she does pay attention to me this way, although she sees me as someone else.

However, I didn't realize just how much time, I would be spending watching her. Her movements are slower now and a bit unstable, but she is still pretty independent in somethings, and want that to remain the same. I do make sure I am close by to help when needed and measure the temperature of her mental state, before I do what I need to do.

Watching her watching me...

Transparent Moment: What a year has taught me...

I have been staying with mother and year and a month. I will say, I am not built to be a caregiver. I truly don't know how people can do this for a living. But once I thought about, they can, because they get a break from it. Most only do it for a few hours a day, some for 8 hours and others for overnight. For me, it's 24/7, and I have and still do, make a lot of mistakes. Caring for someone's physical body is one thing, but to care for a person's mind is not for the weak.

It is mentally draining, and hurtful at times, especially those times when she doesn't recognize me and thinks I'm someone else. You know there are certain situations where you need tough skin to get through it until it's time for you to leave. But now, I have to tough it up in a major way. I was always one to be able to remove myself, when I know something is going down the wrong path. This time, I can't escape.

But I have come to the realization, that God has me here for a reason. With all that is going on, I am getting my prayer life back on track, doing my devotionals, both day and night. Slowly starting to react differently when her mind goes left. But I am human and I will make mistakes and react badly at times, and I ask her and God for forgiveness for my actions and move forward praying I'll do better.

Yes, caregiving is not for the weak...

Who are you...

I wish I could think in those moments when my mother doesn't recognize who I am. Lately I'm my grandmother (her mother) and other times I'm her older sister. Recently and often, I'm that "other girl" with no name.

These moments truly un-nerves me and I know, but don't know what to do. I do my best to remain calm, but it's my mother and in the back of my mind, I don't want her not to see me. Granted, most times it doesn't last long. I can go out the house and come back in to, "I was wondering when you were getting here", although I've been here all morning.

Just this morning, we sat at the kitchen table talking about the report on the recent shooting in Minnesota and other things. I went into the bathroom for a bit, and when I came out she asked me, "when did you come downstairs". Trust me, it caught me totally off guard and once again, I didn't respond to it well. I got to figure out how to get myself to not react to the switches differently, and how to meet the switches when they come.

But to pretend to be someone I'm not is so hard. I tried a few times and it was disastrous! No matter what I said, whether true or not, I was wrong and asked why I was mistreating her. It's like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't! 

I have no clue how long this journey is going to be, but I need to figure it out, because I need to maintain my own sanity with all of this. I am giving up my life in a way to care for my mother. But I will say, I am doing more that I haven't done in a long time. But I need to get back to my crafting to help me relax more.

There's got to be another way...

Here we go...

First, Happy New Year to you all! Life with mom is starting to get back to her baseline of normalcy. Now I know, I must brace myself for the aftermath of fireworks and shooting guns to celebrate a holiday, do to my mother.

You would not believe the level of confusion that started at 12:30 am new year's eve!! I handle it the best way I could in a calm voice, but how I wish I could find a way to silence the noise for her And it's just about that night, it alter how her brain process situations and it will be days before it changes back.

Today, almost a week later and still having issues. Granted it's not as bad, but somethings are irritating and I am still working on how I react to the state she is in. The one thing I got to remind myself, that it is the disease and not her that has her behaving and thinking the way she does.

Although she is going through major changes, I am going through them too and more. I am doing my very best to keep a level head and maintain my level of sanity! I see where so many Caregivers are going through it mentality with their love ones, and I won't lie, I was too at the very beginning of this journey. I am better, but there are moments where I could just scream and trust me, I have done that. People tell me it will happen and that's okay, but I will feel bad too. Now when I do lose it, I apologize to her later once her mind has calm down. I also ask God for forgiveness too.

That may sound crazy to some, but it's about peace of mind and besides, she's my mother and yelling at her is so disrespectful, but I can't allow this disease to make me crazy too and most of all, disrespect my mother. She needs me in so many different ways. So my prayer is that she get back to a base where it is less stressful for the both of us.

Happy New Year!...

What are you doing New Year's Eve...

I have lost touch with so many over the course of my work life. Now living and take care of my mother, how is it possible I have lost even more. What's crazier is that those who knows my situation, will ask "what did you do for the holidays" or "got plans for new years eve?". I hate looking at them crazy or wanting to say what is really on my mind. But why do people assume you can just stop what your doing to have fun when your a caregiver?

It is then when you realize how insensitive people are to others situations. I don't like embarrassing myself, so I try my best not too, and I have had my moments of embarrassment,  and trust me, I feel so bad afterwards.  But I do try to keep up with others situations and encourage the best I can. Right now, I am finally getting my pray life back and I add others to it, when I know their situation.

So this new year's eve will be different. I normally go to a watch night service at my church, but tonight will be the first time I won't be attending.  My mother is in bed around 7:30pm, and she needs to have a routine and structure. Trust me, there are those who tell me to "go out" when she's asleep. I know, that sounds like a good idea, but I know for me, that would be the time she either won't go to bed or wake-up while I am gone. I do not want to think about how that would affect her waking up and I'm not there.

Right now my fear is, people shooting off fireworks and guns while she is asleep and waking her up. I remember the 4th of July, the fireworks were right outside her window and it scared her out of her sleep so bad that she believe someone was trying to kill her. I cried that night trying to calm her down. We didn't get back to bed until 3am!  Trust me, I will be praying tonight for her peace of mind and for mine too.

So I pray the coming year, will be better then this year, more calmer and healthier and I pray that you all have a safe new year, and that blessings will be plentiful throughout 2026!

Happy New Year!...

Transparent Moment: Christmas Day Dinner!

I was on pins and needles on Christmas, because it was the first time, I had to do all the cooking for me and mom. I normally cook the Cornish hens and she does everything else on Christmas. But now, I am the cook for her everyday and truly wish I had stuck around when I was younger while she was cooking dinner, instead of sneaking outside to ride my bike 😅

However, with the help of my sister-in-love, I was able to make the dressing for the first time. Did mother enjoyed the meal?  Well lets just say, she had seconds at dinner and another serving later in the day! 😁 It was the most food she has eaten in a long while. But what made me cry this morning, was when she told me, "you cooked all day yesterday! You did good and I'm so proud of you" 😭🥰

Best Christmas Ever! 🎄

Santa Baby...

Merry Christmas Everyone! This Christmas for the first time in life, I am cooking dinner for my mother and I. There is so much to cooking that she doesn't  remember, so I have to rely on Pinterest for recipes. Like cornbread dressing! I love my mother's dressing, but she doesn't remember all she does to make it. She was not one to measure ingredients, because she has made it some many times that she used her eyes to measure.  And now with dementia, that too has failed her and of course nothing is written down. I guess if I had my priorities straight as a teen, I would had spent more time in the kitchen with her, instead outside riding my bike all over the city. Behold, I remembered my sister-in-law learn how to make it, so i got some instructions from her.

I believe we all have a favorite dish our mothers made that we couldn't get enough of. Mine is chicken and dumplings. She would make her own dough, and of course she doesn't remember what all she used to make it. So years ago, she told me to just get a can of biscuits. I did and of course it didn't taste exactly like hers, but it was close enough. I am determine to make my own dough the next time I want to make them.

However, my dinner is almost complete, and I can't wait for mom to taste it. But she did taste the dumplings on yesterday and loved them! You have know clue how much that made me feel. To be honest, I haven't cook this much in the past 30 years. And I'm starting to enough it and my momma need to eat. I am so glad she is enjoying it. Well, you know she is, when she ask me every day, "what we eating today". 🥰

So my prayer is that she and I have a wonderful day today and I wish you and yours a.....

Merry Christmas 🎄...

I love your smile...

Sunday, a few people told me how good it was to see me smiling. That caught me off guard, because I thought I was smiling all the time. But on the flip side, I had been tired for sometime and normally I can fake it and not show whatever I was going through. Life with mom is still stressful to a point, but not as intense as it had been.

I had a conversation once with someone about flirting and how I never could and didn't know how to flirt (and I still don't). They told me all I needed to do was smile. I never tested it out, and then again I haven't met or seen anyone I would want to flirt with. The way my life is now, I have no time for another person in it, and I need God now more then I ever had.

I understand not everyone believes, but I remember how He got me through my father sickness and that was rough. Or when my son moved away. I cried like a baby for a few days, and asked God to watch over him and keep him safe. God has not let me down, He has moved mountains for my son and he is doing well.

When it comes to my mother and her Dementia, it took me a year to realized that I had not gone to God to help and guide me through this. So a few weeks ago, I brought my Bible, devotional books and ordered a new journal to write my prayers in. I now believe my time with God is why my smile is back and I feel more rested as well.

I believe smiles come from a deep place within us. A place of calm, comfort and peace. I am still struggling when my mother's sundowning moments become intense and I need to do my best to remember where my help comes from to handle it. It's hard to do, but I got to do better for my own peace of mind.

I do want all my smiles to be genuine, and I now see, building a partnership with God, is going to keep my smiles growing from deep within.

Where is your smile...