On repeat...

If I could change the channel, trust me I would! With repeat on TV, actually reruns, they are entertaining, but reruns with Dementia is not entertaining at all. Who wants to hear, "I want to go home" everyday or you being told you are wrong everyday  when your memory is not the one that has been compromised.

Recently, mother has been sundowning more and more everyday. And one day it started first thing in the morning and stopped when she went to bed. It was a very exhausting day for the both of us, but at a certain time it hit me, "full moon".  Yes I looked it up and it was a full moon that day!

Not sure why things get more intense with them during a full moon, but I need to find a way to lessen the sundowning (if that is possible) so that our day can be a bit calmer. The stress of care giving is getting too me now and I need my outlets more and more everyday. I am learning that I can't allow the stress of this to consume me. I need to calm and exercise my mind now.

I am learning a lot about my mother since moving back home, and she has carried a lot of anger, which turned into stress and worry for 60 plus years. I can not let that be my reality for the rest of my life.  So since I am doing this alone, I need to make sure I have things in place to be able to decompress. Beside, I need to be mentally healthy for us both.

Such a crazy life...

Fresh Air...

Since moving back home, I find myself sitting out on the front porch every morning, when weather allows. In my younger days, we spend so much time outside and sitting on each other's porch. Just talking, laughing and playing. And I just love this. I love it so much. And when I bought my house well, when I was looking for a home, I was looking for one with a front porch. Unfortunately, you had to live in a certain area to really get a porch. Because further out the houses, are more modern, and the porch was no longer there, they had stoops to sit on.

For those with dementia, fresh air is very good for them. Exercise is good for them, just regular everyday routines is good. However, with my mother, I have some issues getting her to do certain things. Especially sitting out on the front porch. She surprised me one day, asking me did I want to go out on the porch with her? Trust me, I jumped up and went with her. Can you believe we sat out on that porch for 5 hours!  Of course, we had some hiccups here and there, because with Dementia, you're just gonna have it, it's not gonna be a day without some type of little up-and-down. But it was still a good day.

There is one thing I notice with her after sitting on the porch and getting the fresh air was that she was sleeping better. We were having a little better evening, once we go inside too, things were a little calmer. Like I mention, you still have some ups and down. But at least they weren't major (that's what sundownin is).  I am working hard to get her back on the porch. Especially when the weather is very good, we had a couple of cooler days. Because it had been cold or cool  she hasn't want to go out because she thinks every day is cool outside but we're going to get out there as much as possible rbefore the summer ends.

Need more of that...

Caregiver life...

Until you have to pause a good portion of your life, to care for a parent(s), grandparent(s) or a love one, you won't know the decision and sacrifices a person has to make to become a caregiver to someone!

To be honest, I didn't believe the doctor when she told me, mom won't be able to live alone. Not knowing what Dementia was and how it affects the person that has it, and telling me someone needs to stay with her. My mother at that time was still able to take care of herself and still can for the most part. So why did I need to stay with her?

One night, I decided to go home and go back after I went to church. Well I got back to the house, I quickly learned that being gone all night was a big mistake. I found her in a state of confusion and fear. Trust me, I did not do that again. It hurt me seeing her that way, to the point that I was scared that I may have hurt her in some way. That Sunday in early 2025, my life was no longer mine.

Here is the crazy part, I had to change the way I lived my life, for my mother prior to being diagnosed with Dementia. My mother would worry about me, especially at night. If I had somewhere to go at night, I learned she wouldn't go to bed until I got back home, and call her to let her know I was in the house. It was so bad that she would not go to bed until she heard from me. 

Since moving back home with her, I have learned just how deep this worrying and fear she has, been going on for many years, and as far back as childhood. My mother has so much fear and worry in her still with this Dementia to a point it is scary for me. You would think she would relax now that I am living with her, but that is not the case.

I wish it would stop, but I know it won't until the final call from the Lord. So I got to find a way to adjust to this change and the others that may or may not come.

Grace and mercy goes with us...

Back home...

After 43 years, I am back at my family home. Never thought it would be to care for my momma, but now that I have relinquish the keys to the home I raised my son in, I'm not sad at all, just glad I can be here for the woman that raised me, no matter how hard it may be.

The constant worrying she was doing about me over the years, kept me from doing so many things I wanted to do. I know most would not let that stop them, but my conscious wouldn't let me be selfish that way. So now all the worrying and stress has taken its toll on her. This past year and half has shown me just how much she stress and worry, even when I am in the house with her.

So, I trust God more now, I pray more, I'm becoming Ms Domestic too! 🤦🏾‍♀️😅 And most of all, I need to be here, no matter how hard it can be. 🙏🏿 Yet, I do pray that more family will step up to the plate, and offer more assistance to me, but to be honest, I don't see that happening any time soon. Not sure what it is with family when it comes to sickness that actually needs assistance. It seems everything else is more important than helping love ones. I maybe wrong, and I pray it's not true.

I will say this, I am so thankful for those who has helped me along the way. If it wasn't for them, my move back home would not have been as smooth. God has truly watched over me during this time. The most stressful time is when she doesn't recognize me when she looks at me. That is really painful for me to endure. So as I sit outside to give her mind a break, I pray that when I go back in, she will see me again.

Now you see me, now you don't...

Sundowning 2.0...

13 straight nights of sundowning with mom. It is so hard on the both of us. I have not handled it well also. However for her, she does not remember the night before, but for me, I do!

I got no sleep a few nights ago, yes I am still tired and today, I managed a hour and half nap, after a night of firework war zone. I hope to nap more every day, and that depends on which direction her mind will take us.

When you are caring for someone by yourself, and no one is offering to relieve you, you can't do for yourself the way you need too and when you do, you need to find ways to decompress. Yes, I am doing what I can to take care of my mental health. Look, I'm not prefect and yes, I have loss it on my mother and immediately ask for forgiveness from God. I do apologize to her, but I wait after she has slept it off.

Yes, we are still sundowning and I know that one thing is driving it now, and that I am moving my things back home and selling my house. I have been going back and forth for awhile now, and finally closing day will be here. Mother's does not process what is being said properly, I am learning. It's like she has dyslexia with her hearing. My prayer is that once this is over with the house, that things will change in her mind too and she will let it go.

Wishful thinking, praying too...

Who can walk this walk...

Of late, I thought about why potential relationships never worked out for me over the years. To be honest, I thought about it a lot. They would start off real good, but sooner or later, I realize that I am the only one invested in the relationships. That is because I was learning just how selfish they were. It turns out they were pretending, so that I am doing for them. One of us would walk away...mainly me.

It wasn't until a recent phone call I got from someone, that God gave me an answer to my question through them. They too are dealing with a parent with Dementia, and they all take turns giving a sibling a break from caretaking. She is taking her turn and she says to me, "I thank God for an understanding husband, for allowing me to go and give my sister for a month".
That right there, had me looking back and it reminded me, that all the men I was involved with, were very selfish, that it was all about them, and that they would not be able to deal with what I am going through with my mother. The thing is, God knew this all along, and He removed them from my life.


Loneliness is a part of this journey for most caregivers, when caring for someone with a illness. I am learning that selfishness will not work as a caregiver, but compassion is a must. I am not a selfish person, but I am an impatient one. What this journey is teaching me how to let that go. No, it's not happen over night, but I can see it very slowly melting away. But those moments of sundowning, truly test your patience for sure!

Everyone can't go with you...

Early in the morning...

Every morning mother is faithful when it comes to reading the Word. I tend to miss here and there, but I work everyday to do better. This one example I need to maintain for myself.

But while I did my devotion time this morning, I was reminded of Psalms 118:8 "It is better to trust in the LORD than to put confidence in man". I have read and heard how majority of caregivers are doing this alone with very little support from family and friends. I did not realize how lonely of a process this is.

I thank God for two friends that I can call and vent too and they encourage me also. My brother does the best he can, for he too is in a caregiver roll and I continue praying for him and my sister-in-love, and there is a couple from my church that give of their time, so that me and a friend can go pack up my house. When they say He has a "ram in the bush", He truly does!!

However, I can still feel disappointed with my family and the lack of help, but on the other hand, I truly don't like asking others, who are not family to help. Like i said, I am so thankful for all they are doing, but I don't want to wear out my welcome either. My mother has gotten comfortable with them, and that is a very good thing.

What most don't realize, often during her sundowning moments, she thinks nobody knows she is here (our family home), and believes they are looking for her elsewhere. Of course she doesn't know where this other house is. Do they know this? Yes, but I am done trying to make grown folks do the right thing!

I know God will supply what we need, and we thought we had what we needed, when He put our love ones in our care. But our eyes were open quickly to the truth. This is a rough road, but the road, and I am going to need God every step of the way, because I can't do it all by myself. I know He's got me!

Reqret is not going to be me...

Santa Baby...

Merry Christmas Everyone! This Christmas for the first time in life, I am cooking dinner for my mother and I. There is so much to cooking that she doesn't  remember, so I have to rely on Pinterest for recipes. Like cornbread dressing! I love my mother's dressing, but she doesn't remember all she does to make it. She was not one to measure ingredients, because she has made it some many times that she used her eyes to measure.  And now with dementia, that too has failed her and of course nothing is written down. I guess if I had my priorities straight as a teen, I would had spent more time in the kitchen with her, instead outside riding my bike all over the city. Behold, I remembered my sister-in-law learn how to make it, so i got some instructions from her.

I believe we all have a favorite dish our mothers made that we couldn't get enough of. Mine is chicken and dumplings. She would make her own dough, and of course she doesn't remember what all she used to make it. So years ago, she told me to just get a can of biscuits. I did and of course it didn't taste exactly like hers, but it was close enough. I am determine to make my own dough the next time I want to make them.

However, my dinner is almost complete, and I can't wait for mom to taste it. But she did taste the dumplings on yesterday and loved them! You have know clue how much that made me feel. To be honest, I haven't cook this much in the past 30 years. And I'm starting to enough it and my momma need to eat. I am so glad she is enjoying it. Well, you know she is, when she ask me every day, "what we eating today". 🥰

So my prayer is that she and I have a wonderful day today and I wish you and yours a.....

Merry Christmas 🎄...

I love your smile...

Sunday, a few people told me how good it was to see me smiling. That caught me off guard, because I thought I was smiling all the time. But on the flip side, I had been tired for sometime and normally I can fake it and not show whatever I was going through. Life with mom is still stressful to a point, but not as intense as it had been.

I had a conversation once with someone about flirting and how I never could and didn't know how to flirt (and I still don't). They told me all I needed to do was smile. I never tested it out, and then again I haven't met or seen anyone I would want to flirt with. The way my life is now, I have no time for another person in it, and I need God now more then I ever had.

I understand not everyone believes, but I remember how He got me through my father sickness and that was rough. Or when my son moved away. I cried like a baby for a few days, and asked God to watch over him and keep him safe. God has not let me down, He has moved mountains for my son and he is doing well.

When it comes to my mother and her Dementia, it took me a year to realized that I had not gone to God to help and guide me through this. So a few weeks ago, I brought my Bible, devotional books and ordered a new journal to write my prayers in. I now believe my time with God is why my smile is back and I feel more rested as well.

I believe smiles come from a deep place within us. A place of calm, comfort and peace. I am still struggling when my mother's sundowning moments become intense and I need to do my best to remember where my help comes from to handle it. It's hard to do, but I got to do better for my own peace of mind.

I do want all my smiles to be genuine, and I now see, building a partnership with God, is going to keep my smiles growing from deep within.

Where is your smile...