Where did my strength go...

I truly thought I was a strong person. I realize I am a weak individual and I am not built to handle every situation in life.  I know somewhere in time, men were taught that they must be strong, show no fear and most of all, men don't cry!  Then they were told that women are weak, beneath them and need someone basically to rule over them. And there are still men today that believe that crap!

Nothing prepares you for the health challenges that may come your way, especially when it's your parent. My mother has out lived her entire family, so I thought, she was in perfect health. Until this Dementia diagnosis,  mother was only taking a low dose blood pressure medication.  So yes, she was in good health.

But I am totally lost with this and don't know how to properly deal with it each and every day. I am trying to hold onto that strong person I know I am, but now, my strength seems to disappear little by little throughout the day. I wake up, ready for what the day may bring, but with one hint of confusion from my mother, that strong wall begins to crumble.

Strength and fear, can not reside at the same time, and you know what I'm about to say....fear wins out each time. When that happens, stress and tears are right behind. No one taught me how to be strong for a love one, or how to care for them, when they are weak. There were a few times she fell down, and I learned very quickly, I was not strong enough to pick her up by myself. I saw the CNA's at the hospital do it, but why couldn't I? Is there a different strength that comes when it's not someone you know?

One thing this is showing me, I need to take care of me too. I need to strengthen my body and mind, to be able care for her and for myself. Caregiving is not for the weak, but you must also recognize your limitations too.  One person can't do it all, and yes their are those who have, but at what cost? Regardless of what direction this journey may go, I am going always be there for my mother.

Caring for mother...

Where is the love...

As I sit here, I think about...where is everybody??? I have been there for some many over the course of my lifetime.  And now that I am unable to do as I use too, or even call as much as I did, I realize,  no one is checking in on me. Well, I shouldn't say no one, there are a few, and that number is very small.  But, it seems when you could really need help, people disappear,  but why is that?

There has been many that have told me, "if you need me for anything, just call me".  Well, I called and I'm tired of leaving voice messages, with no returned calls. It's getting to the point, I don't leave messages anymore. The unnerving part is, people have let me down countless times, over the course of my life. I always have to do things on my own all the time.

My father taught me, let me rephrase that, my father made to be independent, and this cause me to have little faith in men. Guess what? Yes, men have let me down as well. Not that I was waiting for them too, but they showed it in so many ways.  Now, I was told this scripture is in the middle of the Bible, "It is better to trust in the Lord than to put confidence in man." Ps.118.8 (of course some say others). Regardless, I have learned that man (men and women) will let you down, and that means family too.

Us caregivers, need care too. Recently, while meeting with the director of a care facility, she and I got a chance to speak alone and the first thing she said was, "how are you holding up?". I wanted to break down and cry.  Most just ask how mom's doing, but never ask how am I doing in the conversation,  or it is at the end of it.

People need to realize, that there is always someone going through too with those who are ill, especially when it is serious.   We want to have a little faith in people, to show some compassion. But until it happen and during, I got to put my trust in God more each and every day!

Nothing like a mother's love...