Do you know what time it is?...

I did not know there's a day to recognize caregivers! Every third Friday of February, but it should be everyday. 

I knew people who cared for their loved ones over the years, but I didn't realize how overwhelming it is in so many ways. I now wish I had been more supportive, because going through this with next to no support/help, is very challenging both physically and mentally.

I thank the ones who has helped when they can. Most of all, I thank God for being my strength and giving me a gentle reminder of "why" I need to do this, each time I wanted to walk away. 

To all caregivers, I pray God will strengthen you in this journey and that He will give others a compassionate heart to help. 

National Caregivers Day .

Somebody watching me...

Before Dementia came into my life, I wasn't fully living life. What does that mean? Although my mother wasn't living with me, it was like she was watching me. She sat and worried all the time when she knew I wasn't home. I know I said this before, but now that I am living with her, she watches for me to get back when I make a run to the store. When I get back she says to me, "I thought it was about time for you to get back"! Most times she doesn't remember me leaving!

But, this past month has been rough on the both of us. Since new years eve, every morning my mother does not see me when she looks at me. It was happening off and on for a long time, but somewhat regular now. A week ago, we had a doctor appointment but she became very agitated and angry because I wasn't there to take her. I had to get my brother on the phone to convince her that we need to go to this appointment and that it was me with her. We made it to the appointment, and I learned it is part of the lewy body with her vision. Now that I know, I have to learn how to deal with it...btw, half way through the appointment, she started recognizing me, and on the way home, she told me how she didn't appreciate how I sent the "fake" Nita to take her to the appointment!🤦🏾‍♀️

Crazy thing is, she watches the other person (which is me) so closely, that she tells me every word and action that happen! It's really crazy when she tells my brother too. There are too many different levels to Dementia. Way to much to learn and keep up with. Their personality is all over the place. But when they become scared, it is scary for you as well. But the flip side, she remembers all I say and do, during those off moments, because is not seeing me during those moments. So she does pay attention to me this way, although she sees me as someone else.

However, I didn't realize just how much time, I would be spending watching her. Her movements are slower now and a bit unstable, but she is still pretty independent in somethings, and want that to remain the same. I do make sure I am close by to help when needed and measure the temperature of her mental state, before I do what I need to do.

Watching her watching me...

Transparent Moment: What a year has taught me...

I have been staying with mother and year and a month. I will say, I am not built to be a caregiver. I truly don't know how people can do this for a living. But once I thought about, they can, because they get a break from it. Most only do it for a few hours a day, some for 8 hours and others for overnight. For me, it's 24/7, and I have and still do, make a lot of mistakes. Caring for someone's physical body is one thing, but to care for a person's mind is not for the weak.

It is mentally draining, and hurtful at times, especially those times when she doesn't recognize me and thinks I'm someone else. You know there are certain situations where you need tough skin to get through it until it's time for you to leave. But now, I have to tough it up in a major way. I was always one to be able to remove myself, when I know something is going down the wrong path. This time, I can't escape.

But I have come to the realization, that God has me here for a reason. With all that is going on, I am getting my prayer life back on track, doing my devotionals, both day and night. Slowly starting to react differently when her mind goes left. But I am human and I will make mistakes and react badly at times, and I ask her and God for forgiveness for my actions and move forward praying I'll do better.

Yes, caregiving is not for the weak...

Who are you...

I wish I could think in those moments when my mother doesn't recognize who I am. Lately I'm my grandmother (her mother) and other times I'm her older sister. Recently and often, I'm that "other girl" with no name.

These moments truly un-nerves me and I know, but don't know what to do. I do my best to remain calm, but it's my mother and in the back of my mind, I don't want her not to see me. Granted, most times it doesn't last long. I can go out the house and come back in to, "I was wondering when you were getting here", although I've been here all morning.

Just this morning, we sat at the kitchen table talking about the report on the recent shooting in Minnesota and other things. I went into the bathroom for a bit, and when I came out she asked me, "when did you come downstairs". Trust me, it caught me totally off guard and once again, I didn't respond to it well. I got to figure out how to get myself to not react to the switches differently, and how to meet the switches when they come.

But to pretend to be someone I'm not is so hard. I tried a few times and it was disastrous! No matter what I said, whether true or not, I was wrong and asked why I was mistreating her. It's like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't! 

I have no clue how long this journey is going to be, but I need to figure it out, because I need to maintain my own sanity with all of this. I am giving up my life in a way to care for my mother. But I will say, I am doing more that I haven't done in a long time. But I need to get back to my crafting to help me relax more.

There's got to be another way...

Turn off the lights...

With a day full of laughter and light conversation, I sometimes hate to see the night coming. Yes, she still goes through sundowning, and most times it isn't that bad. Last night it was rough, but I thank God it didn't last long, just a little over an hour.

I think about asking my doctor if I should start taking some type of vitamin for brain health. I am working hard not to let what my mother is going through to affect me. I've seen to many Caregivers post about being depressed and isolated from the world. There are those who feel like they are losing their minds, and I don't want to feel that way.

Granted, I don't get to do much, and then again I haven't done to much of anything before my mother's diagnosis. Anytime I would go somewhere or think about going somewhere, she would start to worrying to the point that I would change my mind and not go. It was so bad, that when I did go, she wouldn't go to bed until she knew I was back home safe. I can understand the worrying if I was like in my 20's, but this was happening up until I started staying with her...and I will be 66 next month!!! The real breaking point for me was when I was at a game night with people we both knew. At 9:30pm, my phone rang and I panic a bit, because it was my mother. She was calling to see if I was at home yet! Trust me, they teased the mess out of me after that call.

So now, although I am with her, there are moments that she sees me as someone else and won't go to bed until I come home. It happens during the day too, and I then have to figure out how to get her to see me again. Trying to move differently now is a challenge and lying 75% of the time is not me. Granted we all lie here and there,  but now, it is like a requirement!

Come on morning...