It's Morning...

I gauge the day each morning on how my mother greets me when we are up for the day. Sad to say, most morning she greets in a way that I realize she is not seeing. That is one of the reality of this disease. But lately, she greets me with, "morning daughter" and that does my heart good!

One good thing about mornings now, is like at the beginning of staying with her, I can good and run errands early mornings and trust me, I do check in on her with the camera while I'm away.  I believe I mention how she has left the house twice on a Sunday morning, so that is always in my mind now when I leave. But I am calmer when I know she sees me before I leave.

However, yesterday day morning, I needed to go and return an item, and normally, I do my best to not leave two or more days in a row, but it will happen I suppose. The suprise was when I got back. Now I did check the camera before I headed back, and saw she was at the kitchen counter, and I assume she was fixing a bowl of cereal. Well, I walked in and she was at the table, eating scrambled eggs with toast and jelly. She looks at me and said, "I wanted something different, so I made some cheese eggs". I just gave her a high five!

You see with a dementia mind in its early stage, they forget how to do certain things off and on, but you won't know right away what those things are. With my mother, she kept telling me how she doesn't remember how to turn the stove on, and glad I'm her to do it. But in order to cook eggs, she knew how to turn it on. Interesting isn't it? But later I realize, the side of the stove she cooks on, is the side she always used. But the other side with the coffee pot, she doesn't remember how to turn it on. And we all know they turn on the same way.  Just think, 11 months ago, she couldn't remember how to use the stove. So yes, things will come back one day, and gone the next.

I am thankful for all these better days we are having of later. There is still confusion and hallucinations within the days, but much fewer then before. How long this will last? I have no clue, but I'm going to take it one day at a time.

Calmness. ..

Who am I...

I know having dementia is hard on the person with it, and often they don't know it. It is normal behavior for them, and what's crazy is that they don't know it. At least it becomes that way down the road.  Although it's early for my mother with medication, but when memories comes back to me, this slow decline started at least 10 years ago.

So now I am somewhat losing my sense of self, but I am doing my best not too. But the most frustrating thing to go though, is when my mother doesn't see me when she looks at me. Often now, I am some worker that is here to help her and do things around the house. But the main name of this person is "Anita", which is my name, but visually, she sees another face.  Most of the time it will last most of the day. The only time I know it has switched back is when she calls me "Nita".  Then ask me did the other girl leave.

You see I need to get to the place where this doesn't bother me, and not feel like why am I here or go into a depress state. I'm sure we all have experience someone forgetting our name or call us by the wrong name. We will correct them and they either apologize or laugh about the mistake. Well with my mother, correcting her takes her into a state of confusion, agitation and most times anxiety, I know i should not correct her, but I do and I guess it's out of selfishness.

I hate having to pretend I am someone else for her. And it is exhausting when it goes back and forth all day. It sometimes feels like I don't know who I'm suppose to be! There will be moments where she is so agitated and anxiety kicks in to the point where she cries for long period of time. Of course I want to console her, but it hurts when she rejects me and it's because in those moments, I am not her daughter. I guess I am becoming depressed at times now, and who wouldn't when the mother you love don't see you when she looks at you. I have mentioned how I am in a online support group of regular individuals going though this too. I am amazed how some seem to have a good handle on this caretaking thing, then there are others like me that post, "I can't do this"! That is me some many times.

Right now, I am looking for other ways to keep me straight. I do my crafting, when my mind is calm, but I got to get back to doing things that makes me feel good, that doesn't interfere with caring for my mother.  Currently I am learning to take better care of our plants, and that is giving me some peace. This is going to be a long journey and I need God to help me to remain calm, find what will keep my mind quite and most of all, how to not react to each time my mother doesn't see me.

Need calm in the strom please..

Something is happening...

This illness will have you seeing all types of doctors. We recently saw a neurologist, and I knew they take care of the brain and knows how it functions and so forth. While discussing mother, I learned one of her medications they like to give it to them at night. Why? Because they want them to sleep all night, and I am all for that! Actually, resting is the best thing for them too.

One of the side affects is hallucinations with that particular medications.  I was giving it to her at noon, and let me tell you, sundowning is no joke and mother already has hallucinations, well I felt it did nothing to calm them, but made them worst. So once I started giving it to her at night, the level was lower with the hallucinations.  I wish they would just go away, but unfortunately, it is a part of the disease.

For one week of her taking this medicine at bedtime, I am sleeping better and feel more relaxed until these last two days. I guess she's making up for the little hallucinations she had this past week. Nothing I say is satisfying to her. Once again, I am wrong about everything. I have to do my best to calm myself so that I don't yell, because loud noises is not good for them either. Yes, it is just like dealing with a child when she is sundowning heavily.

However, the week of it all being mild and going to bed at a decent hour, I would love for it to stay that way, but the reality is, it won't.  No one should have to live with this debilitating disease. The type that has no cure and will eventually end their life. My prayer is that my mother doesn't leave her, not knowing who I am. But what I am experiencing with her now, I'm afraid that she won't. So I will leave it in God's hand.

Every little bit helps....

Say NO one more time...

It has been a rough month. Yes I know I say this pretty much all the time. But there are two things I am so tired of hearing..."I want to go home" and "no"! Why ask me who did this, that or ther other, and I tell you it was you, because your mind doesn't remember and you tell me "noooo", grrrrrrrrrr 🤬

My mind is not fully programmed enough to not react or answer questions/comments that a normal person would ask. Dementia brains do not function properly and never will. Granted there will be moments where their old selves will emerge, and we need to enjoy those moments when they appear, but once there gone, we now have to be careful of how we handle them. This is where I am still learning how to do.

I am there for everything with my mother and doing my best to be quiet, not react to things she maybe doing. There are moments where I have to step in to keep her from hurting herself.  However, I have never hated a word so much like I do now. And I need to get a grip of my reaction to it and other things.

You know, we all want to be able to just be ourselves around our love ones and others, and yet, this ugly diseases will have you lying to them,  just to have some peace. And I hate having to lie to my mother. 

Once before she finally went to bed, she left a semi mess in the dinning room. Instead of me putting things away, I left everything where she left it. So the next morning, she saw it and told me how she found her shoes on her recliner and asked me who did that. I told her how she left the room the way it was. And you can guess what her response was...."nooo, somebody else did it". 

Unfortunately I kind of lost it and had to walk away. That's what I hate the most, I have to walk away before I disrespect her. This new normal is going to make me crazy if I don't get hold of my emotions. Now I have to adapt to how her mind works and no, I don't want too, but I got to stop fighting it, but how?


Screw this!....

Merry-go-round...

It's like a merry-go-round and I am trying to come to terms with the fact, I can't get off! Who would purposely put theirs theirselves in a situation where, pretty much each day repeats itself, or comes pretty close to it. There is one thing a person with Dementia will say, "I want to go home", regardless to the fact, they are home. I for one, have not found the right words, to help reassure her, she is home or to just redirect her thought patterns. So this is just one thing I hear just about every single day.

I just want to get off this ride, but I can't! You tend to hear the same thing each day and it's hard to come up with something new to say back.  My prayer is they find a cure for this disease! Nobody, not even my worst enemy should go though this. It's just that they aren't aware and can't remember day by day. 
My brother came by and the next day, she was in a panic about him that she hasn't seen or heard from him, although he came by the day before. Of course he let her know that he had came by, and her Dementia mind, told him he did not. That's the other thing, when you tell them about something or remind them, you will be totally wrong. 

The other direction of this merry-go-round is when I need to run to the story, home or the pharmacy, normally I can leave with no problem, but of late, fear creeps in and she will be upset at times or a bit scared, by the time I get back. But late, she always tell me about who stopped by while i was gone. Trust me nobody came by.  This comes out of a state of confusion.

You know I, and so many pray that each morning we get up, that day will be different.  Yes, we know their old selves won't be there, but the close we can get to that person, then we know we will have a much better day.

Round and round we go....

Out of sight, out of mind...

With Dementia, the short term memory is almost non-existent. Growing up, I would hear the phrase out of sight, out of mind and today I witness it. My sister called my mother from California and it had been a long time since they talked. At first mother didn't know who it was, even though she saw her name on the caller ID and I told her who was calling, but it just didn't register at the time. But when it did kick in, mother talked to her as if she was someone in their late teens or early twenties.

My sister just rolled with it, but it scared me, for I knew something was going to happen later, and it did.  Her mind crashed and she was back in Ohio, told me I was her sister, and started packing clothes once again. (Yeah, forgot to write about that nighmare!)

You have no clue how much I hate this disease and what it does to our love ones. I am not one to use the word "hate", but now I do and with great passion, for it is robbing me of my love, my friend, my mother. I hate that it causes her to not see me as her daughter 75% of the time!!

I need help, but until I can get it, I decided to join a support group on social media for caregivers and have learned how much I'm not alone in this journey.  One major thing I learned,  my mother says often, "I want to go home", and how they have handle those moments. Yes, it happen tonight, but a little different, for she wants to leave in the morning.  Hopefully this night sleep with cancel that thought.

I suppose, they are feeling that they are being missed, when though I am here living with mom, but in her mind, I don't know what year she is living in, in those moments.

Give me strength...