Hallucinations...

Do you remember when you were young, and seeing people walking and talking to themselves? I thought those people were crazy and we called them crazy. Little did we know, their behavior was often due to use of drugs or a mental health issue. 

The first person I helped to care for had this issue, and it was due to drug use in his younger years. He was one of those who had conversations with no one there. I got use to him having these full conversations with the voices in his head, and I would tell him not to talk them people while he's with me. Then he would laugh and so would I.

Now days, I am going through it again, but in a different form.  You have no clue how stressful and unnerving it is, to have your loved one, look at you and see someone else, a total stranger.  What makes it worst, they  don't hear your voice either!! With my mother, there is no amount of talking, that is going to convince her, that I am her daughter. It truly breaks my heart each time this happens, which is pretty much ever day. 

The thing I am learning more and more, this  disease, not only robs the person of who they are, but it robs you of a normal life with your love one.  My only fear is, my mother leaving this earth and not knowing who I am.

I've ask the Lord not to take her memory of me away, but I know His will, will be done.  But what this is also teaching me, I must take good care of my mental health. You know we all as children, had our imaginary friends to play with and talk too.  It was cute then, but now seeing it with an adult,  that didn't ask for this, well, it's not cute, it's devastating and there is no cure for it! Lewy Body Dementia

I see you momma...

Don't Cry...

Most don't know, but I am a very sensitive person. I am also a cry baby too. I learned how to not show my emotions, by watching my father. In difficult times, I never saw him stress, worried or appear weak, in intense moments. I thought that is how we are suppose to be.  But in one fleeing moment, I saw my father cry, then it was over just as quick as it came. That shook me and confused me. And now I try my best to remain strong and keep my emotions and tears in check....I can't do it anymore.

Not knowing how each day with my mother will go, is truly nerve-wracking! I feel as if I am walking on egg shells and my stress level is off the charts. I find myself fighting back tears often, especially when someone ask, "how's your mother doing".  Rarely anyone ask me how am I doing, and I fight back the tears then too.

I heard being a caregiver is a thankless job, and I'm learning it's a helpless job as well. By that I mean, people offer to help or says "call me if you need me", well I am quickly learning it is just words.

How can I be strong for my mother, when I'm weak from stress, sleepless nights and no one to help me?  I know I need to lean even more on God, but often times forget to do that. I pray for healing, but know there is no healing for this disease.  I hold my mother every night, and pray for the both of us. I fight back tears even then. I have broke down in front of her. However it was during one of her hallucination, and I just wanted my mother to hold me, but she didn't see me in that moment.

My biggest fear, is when the day come, that my mother will no longer see me, her daughter! 😢

Love you always momma...

I'm a Caregiver...

Years ago, I was asked to help care for a gentleman, as in finding him doctors, taking him to appointments and handling his medication. Pretty simple right? Yes it was, because it wasn't an everyday situation.  I still had a life and pretty much do what I wanted to do, and go.

However, today care situation is more intense and it's for my mother. Never would I have thought, my mother last days (God knows how long it will be) would be filled with memory issues, confusion, hallucinations, anxiety and more. I keep asking myself, did I missed signs of Dementia in her years ago? I saw things that I thought was happening just because she was getting older. Now I am learning she was having memory issues at least 10 years ago.

I often wonder, if I had known what was going on with her, would things be different now? Could it been reversed? Knowing what I know now, we might have been able to slow the process down, but it's not reversible.

I am always going to be there for my mother, but I don't know for how long by myself. Each day is different.  One day she is her old self and the next day hallucinations will come for a visit, not know for how long it plan to stay. Those are the days that get to me the most. There are those moments when my sweet, kind mother, becomes mean and angry, a side of her I have never seen in my life time. But I know it is the illness, and yet it tears me up every time.

Patiences is the key and thick skin, and that i have never been. I can be at times when that side comes out, and other times it gets the best of me and I push back. Yes, I know it's wrong, but I am learning too.  There is a different type of strength I need and I need God to help me with that, and I pray He send what I need to get through this journey!

My mother...My heart