It's morning...

Don't know who is reading this, or if you are a caregiver, but every morning my mother does not recognize who I am.  They told me with this disease, there will be up and down days, but since coming home from the hospital,  we have had just two good days and the other days has been really stressful.

I wear a fitbit which monitor my stress levels, so the lower the numbers, means the body is showing physical signs of stress. Today was the first time I started in the fifties!  That's not good at all. I know it's because of not getting good rest at night. I plan to nap everyday,  but my mother does not nap long, and so I barely get one in myself. Because of her not napping, it comes a very rough afternoon. I know it is wrong to think this way, but I find myself praying for her to go the bed at night.

Am I wrong? I truly have no clue. I really should be handling this much better by now, right? I was told my mother has Dementia in November of last year, 6 months ago. I don't know, maybe I'm in denial, or maybe life can not be this cruel! She is 93 years old and why now? Why Dementia, the one diagnosed that will rob her of 93 years of memories! The love of her children and the joy they bring her.  I need to know why would God allow this to happen to her?

I am well aware none of us knows how or when we will leave this earth. But I may have said this already, but I don't want my mother leaving this world, not knowing who I am!! 😭 I do know this, I do need God to help me help her, for I feel and I know, I am doing a terrible job at it. My emotions are so all over the place, that I'm tired and I find myself yelling a lot and getting so angry that I slam things.

I truly need to find a support group, other then those I know personally that has gone through this with a love one. I now know, I really need help in caring for my mother. Her meltdown on tonight, truly showed me I do not know how to properly care for her. There is so much more to it, then redirecting her as they told me to do in the hospital.  I truly need God to direct me in the way I need to go.

I need you now Lord...

I can't do this...

Lately it has been something everyday, that has pushed me to a breaking point. I seem to have a total meltdown every other day! This thing is to hard to take. But I realize now, what I can't take, is what it is doing to my momma!!

I am tired, tired of crying, tired of not getting enough sleep, tired of worrying and waiting for a episode to happen, just out right TIRED!!!!

If I was giving a chance to think about taking care of my mother this way, I would have said, "get somebody else to do it", and walk away.  But I didn't get that chance at all. 

I made a decision to leave my job about 13 years ago, because of what the 12 hour nights for a year did to my health. Now, I'm not working nights, but this is far worst.  Being here for her in my mind was taking her to appointments, hanging out here and there, laughing..joking..and just enjoying life.  Granted, it was 12 and a half years of that, but never would I have thought it would change so drastically!

I can not begin to understand why my mother, and why God would allow this to happen to her.  Today was so stressful, and majority of the time, there is no one available to help me with her.  Tonight a friend reminded me that God has me in this place for a reason.  What I need to do in those moments when no one can be there, is to walk away and go to God in prayer for the help and strength I need to get through those moments.

"Heavenly Father, I am only human and so weak. I need your guidance to get through the tough and chaotic times with my mother. Lord if it be your will, lessen those moments,  give us more calm and peaceful times. But please, if I must go through this,, give me the strength and wisdom to handle and do what needs to be done, to help my mother in the best way possible, in Jesus name, Amen"

Strength and Patience...