I wear a fitbit which monitor my stress levels, so the lower the numbers, means the body is showing physical signs of stress. Today was the first time I started in the fifties! That's not good at all. I know it's because of not getting good rest at night. I plan to nap everyday, but my mother does not nap long, and so I barely get one in myself. Because of her not napping, it comes a very rough afternoon. I know it is wrong to think this way, but I find myself praying for her to go the bed at night.
Am I wrong? I truly have no clue. I really should be handling this much better by now, right? I was told my mother has Dementia in November of last year, 6 months ago. I don't know, maybe I'm in denial, or maybe life can not be this cruel! She is 93 years old and why now? Why Dementia, the one diagnosed that will rob her of 93 years of memories! The love of her children and the joy they bring her. I need to know why would God allow this to happen to her?
I am well aware none of us knows how or when we will leave this earth. But I may have said this already, but I don't want my mother leaving this world, not knowing who I am!! 😭 I do know this, I do need God to help me help her, for I feel and I know, I am doing a terrible job at it. My emotions are so all over the place, that I'm tired and I find myself yelling a lot and getting so angry that I slam things.
I truly need to find a support group, other then those I know personally that has gone through this with a love one. I now know, I really need help in caring for my mother. Her meltdown on tonight, truly showed me I do not know how to properly care for her. There is so much more to it, then redirecting her as they told me to do in the hospital. I truly need God to direct me in the way I need to go.
I need you now Lord...
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