Just my imagination...

Now days we're living on repeat. The repeat of mom not recognizing me every morning.  I wish there was a sure way of making that change for her, but this is part of the disease and I hate this for me, and mainly for her. Lately it is not until early afternoon that her mind allow her to see me, her daughter. The worst part is, she believes that the images  of other people are real.

Trying to  convince her differently creates confusion, agitation, anxiety and more. I am often calling on the Lord to keep me strong and not give into my emotions. But it is so hard not to do. When I said caregiving is not for the weak, well it is true especially for those with no training and very little help.

Saturday evening of all nights (because I need to get up early in the morning), she has a major sundowning moment which lasted for  an hour. We had a full moon recently and those make it worst for her and now with the time change, it is not helping either. At least she knows who I am in these moments, but not knowing why she is in her own house is what drives her sundowning episodes. 

However, Monday she did not recognize me the entire day, and another major sundowning session that lasted for 2 hours. It took everything in me not to yell and scream!! It wouldn't done any good, it would just make things worst. And Tuesday it was around 2:15pm, when I learned she was still not recognizing who I was, I had a mental breakdown and I needed to get out of the house. So I sat in my car, called two people and broke down crying. It has now been 31 hours, with my mother not seeing me when she looks at me. Can you imagine how that would feel? Your mother not recognizing who you are? But it took me going out the house, to get her brain to finally see me.

Do you see me...