Porch Therapy....

I am truly going to miss sitting out on the porch every day once the cooler fall and winter days sets in. This porch has kept me from losing myself when things got rough with my mom, yet it brought calm to me, knowing that God makes no mistakes. He knew I needed to be back home to be with and help my mother in this final stages of life. I do not know the day, nor the hour, but I am going to do my best to take care of her, each and every day!

Caring for someone not related to you is a bit easier, at least that is how I feel. I semi cared for someone other then family, so when my time was up, I went home. But for your parent and you have to move back home, there is no leaving for the day. That is where the front porch come in for me. It was like going away to another place other then inside the house.

Being out there, it gives me a chance to reflect on what brought me out there most times. I ask God to forgive me for my reactions a lot of time or thank Him for whispering in my ear to "go outside". And what happen to cause me to retreat there....mother in a confused and agitated state!  It used to bother me when she cried or yell, and my reaction to it was not good at all. That is when sitting on the porch helped me to calm my spirit, so that I don't say the wrong thing to my mother.

Dementia will test your character in so many ways. That is why we need an outlet at all cause. I now have to think about other outlets more, since fall and winter is upon us. There maybe days warm enough to step outside or even sit in my car.  Us who don't have help, often have to create outlets. Our mental health is being stretch being caregivers. It's not our love one's fault, but when you are not properly trained to care for individuals with Dementia, it become a very stressful life.

Yes, my porch gives me peace that my mind and body needs every day!

My happy place...

On repeat...

If I could change the channel, trust me I would! With repeat on TV, actually reruns, they are entertaining, but reruns with Dementia is not entertaining at all. Who wants to hear, "I want to go home" everyday or you being told you are wrong everyday  when your memory is not the one that has been compromised.

Recently, mother has been sundowning more and more everyday. And one day it started first thing in the morning and stopped when she went to bed. It was a very exhausting day for the both of us, but at a certain time it hit me, "full moon".  Yes I looked it up and it was a full moon that day!

Not sure why things get more intense with them during a full moon, but I need to find a way to lessen the sundowning (if that is possible) so that our day can be a bit calmer. The stress of care giving is getting too me now and I need my outlets more and more everyday. I am learning that I can't allow the stress of this to consume me. I need to calm and exercise my mind now.

I am learning a lot about my mother since moving back home, and she has carried a lot of anger, which turned into stress and worry for 60 plus years. I can not let that be my reality for the rest of my life.  So since I am doing this alone, I need to make sure I have things in place to be able to decompress. Beside, I need to be mentally healthy for us both.

Such a crazy life...

I made a mistake...

Awhile back, I told myself and my mother, that I will tell her when her appointments are on the day of it. Recently I didn't do that and the repercussion were catastrophic! 

It was early afternoon when I mention the appointment for the next day, and she needed to know what time. Of course it was late morning, so we can get up at our normal times that morning. However, she went to preparing mode and it was no stopping her. She stress, panic, worried, fear and so many more emotions.

So we (yes she made it hard for me to sleep too) didn't get much sleep that night. Although she wasn't recognizing me, she went with me to her appointment. Yes, was extremely tired, but I could not get her to nap when she had finally settled down. Of course, sundowning showed up that night and it took a while to get her to go to bed. 

The thing about a traumatic experience like that, it that several days for her brain to get back align where she is somewhat normal. But the following weeks, other things happen and the sundowning was becoming intense everyday. Now, it's getting harder for me to make a trip to the store and other places. The length of time can only be an hour, before her mind goes into worry mode. 

The bottom line is, wait until the day of her appointment to let her know. All appointments will be late morning if possible!

No such thing as relax...

Had a good day...

We had one good day without experiencing sundowning. I know I wouldn't wish this disease on anyone, not even an enemy. But this sundowning is starting to get on my last nerve!

One morning, we didn't start off on the right foot and I needed to walk away and pray. As I walked into another room, my pastor called to see how we were doing. Let me tell you, God is truly watching us and He knew I needed someone to pray for me at that moment.

In saying that, He knows what our love ones need and He places us there for them, even when we have no clue of what we're doing. We are all imperfect. Yes, there is help out there and most can not afford it or qualify for the help. There always seem to be something attached to what appears to be free, that you won't be able to qualify for.

This week has not been that bad so far. Am I irritated at times, yes and I got to deal with my impatientness. There are so many out there trying to tell you how to handle your love one, but guess what, each one is different.  My mother, although was married, but was very independent, strong willed, worried and stress too much over the years, and it is even stronger now with dementia. So I am at a loss, and I guess that is why I make so many mistakes with her.

Waiting for a change...

Day after Day...

Each morning when I wake up, I pray my mother will know who I am when she sees me. Since New Years Eve, this has been the norm and I just can't get use to it. To be honest, I hate it, for it was the one thing I prayed for not to happen. Then again, at least it's not an all day thing either. Yes, there has been days that it was all day, but to few to count.

Sundowning is a part of this terrible disease that I hate the most!! The confusion, agitation, hallucinations and being told you're a liar constantly,  would drive anyone crazy. But the worst part is when it continues into the next day. I am told that it is strange that she can remember things that happen the day before occasionally. Of course each person is different.

The other night, she told me how I said we were going to the other house that night. She gave me a play by play of the conversation that never happened, and that night was very mild and she went to bed at a decent time too. However, we had one night recently with no sundowning! You can only imagine how much that made me feel.

I am praying for more calmer days, especially nights.  But I am thankful for getting restful sleep 95% of the time.

Time for a change...

Are we going home...

Every day she ask me that question and everyday I tell her the same thing, "we are staying here". But now I see, her brain is processing what I said differently, and the difference is, "yes". Although, at times she accept what I tell her just fine, and other times she ask "why aren't we going?" No matter which way she responds, she get angry, agitated, confused, upset and more.

Every night, she goes to her room, get out her duffle and canvas bag, to put her night clothes in, and put her toiletries in a plastic bag. I do my best to watch her every moment, so when she can't find things, I know where they are. 

This morning, I discovered her dish towel she use for her hand was missing. I go to where she had it last and it wasn't there. She too did not know, when she needed it this morning. Well, this afternoon the towel showed up, and I believe she did not recognize it, when she unfolded some facial tissues, she found the towel wrapped in it!

I believe the different sleep patterns has now effected her already deteriorating brain. One major change is not recognizing me first thing in the mornings. This particular morning, she greeted me with a hug and a kiss, so I assume she was seeing me, but later that afternoon she tells me how "that woman" went to the grocery store. Now I am confused because this means she wasn't seeing me as her mother. But why did she kiss a stranger?

This thing truly has her brain so mixed up. I feel that the lack of good sleep is the driving force behind what is going on with her. We had a doctor appointment and she confirmed my thought process. So when we got back home, she admitted that she was sleepy and I got her to recline in her chair. She actually went to sleep and slept for an hour and half. Although it was late afternoon, I was to happy to see it! I pray this is a fresh beginning.

Time for a change...

History does repeat itself...

A week or so ago, mother and I had a 11:30am hair appointment.  My only issue was if she would recognize me that morning, so that we will be able to go. She knew about the appointment, but I quickly learned, that was not a good ideal!!

In the past, before the dementia diagnosis, mother would stress so much about getting to her appointments on time, that she would not sleep the night before. I thought that was no longer in her system now, but it still is!!! Our appointment was at 11:30am, she tried twice that night to get ready to go for the appointment!

Neither one of us got any sleep that night. Of course that morning she was still stressing about the time of the appointment. And with that, she couldn't read the clock properly either! It's 7 in the morning and she thought our appointment was at 9! STOP THE MADNESS!!

The entire day was not good. Keep in mind, she has been awake since 6am the previous day, so 24 hours has passed and now she refused, or not willing to nap, once we got back from the appointment. It was after 7pm that night when she finally went to bed. Exhausted to the point that I had to help her find her room and more.

Dementia has intensified the behavioral patterns she has now, which now makes it harder on a mind that is now deteriorating. Rest and sleep can slow the process, but how can you get them to understand that?

Time for a change...

Fresh Air...

Since moving back home, I find myself sitting out on the front porch every morning, when weather allows. In my younger days, we spend so much time outside and sitting on each other's porch. Just talking, laughing and playing. And I just love this. I love it so much. And when I bought my house well, when I was looking for a home, I was looking for one with a front porch. Unfortunately, you had to live in a certain area to really get a porch. Because further out the houses, are more modern, and the porch was no longer there, they had stoops to sit on.

For those with dementia, fresh air is very good for them. Exercise is good for them, just regular everyday routines is good. However, with my mother, I have some issues getting her to do certain things. Especially sitting out on the front porch. She surprised me one day, asking me did I want to go out on the porch with her? Trust me, I jumped up and went with her. Can you believe we sat out on that porch for 5 hours!  Of course, we had some hiccups here and there, because with Dementia, you're just gonna have it, it's not gonna be a day without some type of little up-and-down. But it was still a good day.

There is one thing I notice with her after sitting on the porch and getting the fresh air was that she was sleeping better. We were having a little better evening, once we go inside too, things were a little calmer. Like I mention, you still have some ups and down. But at least they weren't major (that's what sundownin is).  I am working hard to get her back on the porch. Especially when the weather is very good, we had a couple of cooler days. Because it had been cold or cool  she hasn't want to go out because she thinks every day is cool outside but we're going to get out there as much as possible rbefore the summer ends.

Need more of that...

Caregiver life...

Until you have to pause a good portion of your life, to care for a parent(s), grandparent(s) or a love one, you won't know the decision and sacrifices a person has to make to become a caregiver to someone!

To be honest, I didn't believe the doctor when she told me, mom won't be able to live alone. Not knowing what Dementia was and how it affects the person that has it, and telling me someone needs to stay with her. My mother at that time was still able to take care of herself and still can for the most part. So why did I need to stay with her?

One night, I decided to go home and go back after I went to church. Well I got back to the house, I quickly learned that being gone all night was a big mistake. I found her in a state of confusion and fear. Trust me, I did not do that again. It hurt me seeing her that way, to the point that I was scared that I may have hurt her in some way. That Sunday in early 2025, my life was no longer mine.

Here is the crazy part, I had to change the way I lived my life, for my mother prior to being diagnosed with Dementia. My mother would worry about me, especially at night. If I had somewhere to go at night, I learned she wouldn't go to bed until I got back home, and call her to let her know I was in the house. It was so bad that she would not go to bed until she heard from me. 

Since moving back home with her, I have learned just how deep this worrying and fear she has, been going on for many years, and as far back as childhood. My mother has so much fear and worry in her still with this Dementia to a point it is scary for me. You would think she would relax now that I am living with her, but that is not the case.

I wish it would stop, but I know it won't until the final call from the Lord. So I got to find a way to adjust to this change and the others that may or may not come.

Grace and mercy goes with us...

Back home...

After 43 years, I am back at my family home. Never thought it would be to care for my momma, but now that I have relinquish the keys to the home I raised my son in, I'm not sad at all, just glad I can be here for the woman that raised me, no matter how hard it may be.

The constant worrying she was doing about me over the years, kept me from doing so many things I wanted to do. I know most would not let that stop them, but my conscious wouldn't let me be selfish that way. So now all the worrying and stress has taken its toll on her. This past year and half has shown me just how much she stress and worry, even when I am in the house with her.

So, I trust God more now, I pray more, I'm becoming Ms Domestic too! 🤦🏾‍♀️😅 And most of all, I need to be here, no matter how hard it can be. 🙏🏿 Yet, I do pray that more family will step up to the plate, and offer more assistance to me, but to be honest, I don't see that happening any time soon. Not sure what it is with family when it comes to sickness that actually needs assistance. It seems everything else is more important than helping love ones. I maybe wrong, and I pray it's not true.

I will say this, I am so thankful for those who has helped me along the way. If it wasn't for them, my move back home would not have been as smooth. God has truly watched over me during this time. The most stressful time is when she doesn't recognize me when she looks at me. That is really painful for me to endure. So as I sit outside to give her mind a break, I pray that when I go back in, she will see me again.

Now you see me, now you don't...

Sundowning 2.0...

13 straight nights of sundowning with mom. It is so hard on the both of us. I have not handled it well also. However for her, she does not remember the night before, but for me, I do!

I got no sleep a few nights ago, yes I am still tired and today, I managed a hour and half nap, after a night of firework war zone. I hope to nap more every day, and that depends on which direction her mind will take us.

When you are caring for someone by yourself, and no one is offering to relieve you, you can't do for yourself the way you need too and when you do, you need to find ways to decompress. Yes, I am doing what I can to take care of my mental health. Look, I'm not prefect and yes, I have loss it on my mother and immediately ask for forgiveness from God. I do apologize to her, but I wait after she has slept it off.

Yes, we are still sundowning and I know that one thing is driving it now, and that I am moving my things back home and selling my house. I have been going back and forth for awhile now, and finally closing day will be here. Mother's does not process what is being said properly, I am learning. It's like she has dyslexia with her hearing. My prayer is that once this is over with the house, that things will change in her mind too and she will let it go.

Wishful thinking, praying too...

Who can walk this walk...

Of late, I thought about why potential relationships never worked out for me over the years. To be honest, I thought about it a lot. They would start off real good, but sooner or later, I realize that I am the only one invested in the relationships. That is because I was learning just how selfish they were. It turns out they were pretending, so that I am doing for them. One of us would walk away...mainly me.

It wasn't until a recent phone call I got from someone, that God gave me an answer to my question through them. They too are dealing with a parent with Dementia, and they all take turns giving a sibling a break from caretaking. She is taking her turn and she says to me, "I thank God for an understanding husband, for allowing me to go and give my sister for a month".
That right there, had me looking back and it reminded me, that all the men I was involved with, were very selfish, that it was all about them, and that they would not be able to deal with what I am going through with my mother. The thing is, God knew this all along, and He removed them from my life.


Loneliness is a part of this journey for most caregivers, when caring for someone with a illness. I am learning that selfishness will not work as a caregiver, but compassion is a must. I am not a selfish person, but I am an impatient one. What this journey is teaching me how to let that go. No, it's not happen over night, but I can see it very slowly melting away. But those moments of sundowning, truly test your patience for sure!

Everyone can't go with you...

Early in the morning...

Every morning mother is faithful when it comes to reading the Word. I tend to miss here and there, but I work everyday to do better. This one example I need to maintain for myself.

But while I did my devotion time this morning, I was reminded of Psalms 118:8 "It is better to trust in the LORD than to put confidence in man". I have read and heard how majority of caregivers are doing this alone with very little support from family and friends. I did not realize how lonely of a process this is.

I thank God for two friends that I can call and vent too and they encourage me also. My brother does the best he can, for he too is in a caregiver roll and I continue praying for him and my sister-in-love, and there is a couple from my church that give of their time, so that me and a friend can go pack up my house. When they say He has a "ram in the bush", He truly does!!

However, I can still feel disappointed with my family and the lack of help, but on the other hand, I truly don't like asking others, who are not family to help. Like i said, I am so thankful for all they are doing, but I don't want to wear out my welcome either. My mother has gotten comfortable with them, and that is a very good thing.

What most don't realize, often during her sundowning moments, she thinks nobody knows she is here (our family home), and believes they are looking for her elsewhere. Of course she doesn't know where this other house is. Do they know this? Yes, but I am done trying to make grown folks do the right thing!

I know God will supply what we need, and we thought we had what we needed, when He put our love ones in our care. But our eyes were open quickly to the truth. This is a rough road, but the road, and I am going to need God every step of the way, because I can't do it all by myself. I know He's got me!

Reqret is not going to be me...

Will it go round in circles...

I am tired of this thing being on repeat, and I have no way of stopping it. Knowing that this disease will progress, but not knowing how fast, how slow or even when it happens, but how WILL I know?

They say redirection is the way to calm their mind during sundowning time. But not with my mother. She doesn't want to hear anything I have to say or suggest. So what do I do then....walk away or ignore her. Yeah, I know that is not a good thing to do, but when your hands are tied and you've run out of options...just walk away Nita.

One morning she woke from a dream, but still in the dream. I know that sounds weird, it's sleep walking and I had to slowly get her to wake from it. Doing this she will become confused for a moment, but not this time. The confusion lingered for an hour and I remembered what the doctor told me to try. So I gave her a couple of Tylenol, got her to sit in her recliner once we were downstairs, turn on the TV and in about a half hour, she began to calm. She calmed down so much that she actually fell asleep and took a nap. The rest of the day went very well, with only a little bit of confused moments here and there. 

That was Saturday morning and right now for two days, she recognized who I am when I first get up for the day. You have no clue how that makes me feel and the days have been going well too. Her confuse moments has been low an manageable. I thank the Lord for these days. Like I said, this disease is a roller-coaster, and you don't know what is going to happen each day. 

It is a stressful time for me, because I am trying to pack up what I will be moving here from my home. At 66, this is a lot to do and take in. So I pray that God gives me the strength to get through it all. 

The cycle...

3 o'clock in the morning...

Actually it is now 4:30 am, and all I am doing is tossing and turning, trying to go back to sleep. My mother got up around 3 AM to go to the bathroom. When she came out of the bathroom, I heard her going down the stairs, so I got up to find out where she was going. She told me she was going to find a way to get home. All she had on was her robe and carrying her canvas bag. Once I had her back in her bedroom, I found out she had packed clothes inside her canvas bag.

I told her what time it was and that she needed to go back to bed. The thing is, she did not recognize that it was dark in the house. Yes she had her lamp on and the bathroom light on too. I put motion sensor lights along the stairs, but not realize it was still dark, let me know she was either sleep walking or continuing what she was dreaming.  This is the second time in almost 2 weeks, and it's been almost a month since it last happen.

I blame this on a friend of mine, who asked me if she had gotten up in the middle of the night. I say that, for I truly believe there is power in the tongue. Proverbs 18:21, (MSG) "Words kill, words give life; they’re either poison or fruit—you choose". I believe we have to be careful of what we speak out loud into the atmosphere. Satan is always listening and waiting  to mess up our life with our own words. So, she mention it, and two nights later, it happen which by the way, it was a Sunday morning, when I needed my sleep.

I already have a full plate with trying to pack up my things to move them here with her, but not getting enough rest isn't good for either of us. I did get her back in bed, but for me, I pray she will nap this afternoon, so that I can get a bit of sleep.

People just don't realize what we go through as caregivers to our love ones. I just knew other family members would help and give me a break from time to time, but I quickly learned, that is not the case. I also learned that this is a common thing. Not only the lack of help, but the isolation is painful, not just for the caregiver but more so for the one who is going through with Dementia.

It hurts to hear my mother ask me, "where is everybody?", or "has anybody called today?". I for one shouldn't have to ask grown people to spend time with her or at least call her. I don't want to believe they just don't care, but I truly believe that they don't!

For now, I need her to get those naps in, and I hope everyday. I know there will be times that it won't happen, but I got to make sure she doesn't go to long without one. I need my rest too!

It is now 5:59am...

What's it all about...

There are many different forms of Dementia and my mother has Lewy Body with Parkinson. No one should have to live with Dementia nor die from it, but that is the reality of it.

With Lewy Body, there is sleeping issues, hallucinations, memory problems and with the Parkinson, movement issues. Yes, she has all of that, but with some medication, it helps lowers all of the symptoms, also along with good rest.

Without being well rested at night she may have some night terrors, screaming or yelling, along with hallucinations, which often times become a problem, especially in the mornings.

When she does not recognize me in the mornings or any other time during the day, she will not leave the house or go with me anywhere. The worst part is when she search the house looking for me, the anxiety kicks in and no amount of talking will calm her down. This is one of the reason why sleep is so important to those with Lewy Body.

However the Parkinson is affecting her movement as in walking, posture and balance.

Now that I been back home with her, I am learning so much of what she is going through within her mind, fear, worry, anxiety and stress. All this would affect your mind too. One thing for sure, lewy body makes the phrase "out of sight, out of mind", a true reality!

Everyday is different...
Some days are calm
Some days are chaotic
Some days are normal
Some days are shared with hallucinations
Some days are a roller-coaster ride

But we're here and I am still learning how to move within those days. Did I want to just leave and not come back? Yes!!! Would I actually leave? No!!! God said, "Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee." I have done this all my life and will continue doing so.

So this morning, she greeted me with a smile, kiss and hug. I needed more mornings like this, and I asked God for more! 💞

Life be Lifin...

Selfie...

A few days ago, reminded me again how much of a roller-coaster ride Dementia is. I took this photo of mom giving me a kiss. In that moment I thought she knew she was kissing me, her daughter, but I learned later that day, that she did not know it was me. Yes, it hurts every time she doesn't recognize me.

Most wonder why I don't take her to church. They don't know I have canceled appointments last mintue or wait until she's gone to bed to make phone calls. All of it is because she doesn't see me, her daughter, first thing in the mornings and this can going on throughout the day. So because of not recognizing me, she refuses to go with me, because I'm not her "Nita". Yes, she knows "Nita" will be taking her somewhere that day, since she doesn't see me in those moments, she starts panicking, and go in search for me throughout the house. I am at a loss, for nothing I say or try to do will calm her.

Yes, this too is heartbreaking, but this is my reality of living with Dementia. Trust me, she can still entertain company, whether she sees me or not. But I've notice the switch back can happens during visits too.

That day, I am sitting in another room for awhile, praying that when I join her, the visual will change. If not, I have to be careful of what I say and how I move around her until it does changes back.

God is still working on me and my impatience ways and I'm getting a bit better with it, for I have too, or I will be no good for her or myself. I had a brief meltdown recently and I walked away from her. Part of the roller-coaster is saying certain things repeatedly. I do my best to give her answers she will accept.  But with my mother, I can't use the same answers either, for she remembers what I have told her, and reminds me I said that before and then situation intensify after.

I know her mind is compromise, and one would think she will not remember what has been said, but she does and often. It's so frustrating and I allow it to get to me. There is a lot of work within me, I need to do and I do know, I need God to help me more and more everyday.

One good thing did happen the day of the meltdown, once she got to talk to her grandson (my son), she calmed down a lot and the rest of the day was much better. 

🤦🏾‍♀️life...

Last night...

I'm not sure how I feel with things going back to the beginning. What I mean is that lately, mom is having sundowning moments more frequently. I am doing a bit better with them now, compared to a year ago, but I truly hate them, and what she is going through with them.

I know there is no way to avoid it, but there are ways to minimize it. But that is difficult at times with her, because when it comes to redirecting her, it may only last for a moment, if that long or if I can redirect her. I have learned during this past year, my mother is a very stubborn person and once her mind is made up, there is no way of changing it. So when sundowning hits, you can only imagine what I am going through with her.

One thing I can say about these moments is that, I hardly call my brother now for help. Back then I would be totally beside myself in a panic and not able to control my emotions. I still have issues with my emotions, but I'm learning how to keep them in check better, however there are times when it gets to, but I do my best to reel it back in. So now, once it's settles down and she's in bed, I update my brother then.

Now that I don't have the support that I thought I would have, I got to get a grip on my emotions and protect my mental health. I can not and will not allow this illness to mess with my mind, for I would be no good when it comes to caring for my mother. But I am grateful to those who will allow me to vent, and the few that are willing to be with her when I have important things to do, but I do my best to space that out, so I don't run them off.

Dementia sucks...

Ooh Child...

Wow, yesterday went into a direction I have not experienced with my mother. Her Lewy Body Dementia, affects her vision also. She will look at me, and sees an entirely different person. So in her mind, this is a real human being and no amount of explaining will help.

She was seeing me, but after her fixation with her purse for well over an hour, she looks at me and ask, "Where did Nita go?" And it went downhill fast from there. She was an emotional wreck and I was trying to keep myself in check. But no amount of answers I would give her would satisfy her mind and she was determined to find me.

It had gotten to the point that I had to go outside the house for a bit, hoping things will switch back and when I came back in, it had, but now with bigger issues. Now I needed to find the person she was seeing, although it was me. It was a bigger mess!! Through all the chaos, I guess the sleep meds kicked in and she went to bed, thank God!! 

This disease has so many different layers and I feel like I am on a roller-coaster when things go the wrong direction.  I now understand why caregivers are stress, tired and sick, for our bodies and minds aren't built for this. I thank God that mom sleeps all night 99% of the time and thankful when I can get 7 to 8 hours of sleep. Strength is what we need each day, physically and mentally.

Let it get easier...

I keep forgetting...

Tell me, how would you feel, if your parent did not recognize you? Well for me, it appears this is my new normal and I am having a hard time dealing with it. I know the best thing to do is not react to it and just go with the flow. And I probably  could,  but when she mention my name as if I'm not there, I died inside and it takes everything in me not to break down in tears or yell who I am, and if I do that, things get out of hand and then I am left trying to calm her.

My main prayer was not let her not see me. Of course I didn't know how I would handle it and now I know...not good at all. This disease is horrible and they may not remember what has been said or done, but we as caregivers remember. Trust me, I do feel like walking away, and I know that I can't.  I feel and have yelled and later ask God and her for forgiveness.  Most times she doesn't remember what had happen, and if she does remember, I still apologize for my actions. Last thing I want to be is disrespectful to my mother.

Look at it this way, we aren't prefect and as long as we are in this flesh, we are going to make mistakes. The thing is, we need to be slow to speak and slow to anger, and I need to work on that quick. I often wonder if I was prepared for this part of life ahead of time, would I be different? But i don't think anyone will truly be prepared for this disease. Dementia is no joke! It has to be the cruelest disease out there, to be alive, but your brain is slowly dying.

Yes, I fear all that is yet to come and I pray the Lord will help me through it. I wish that I and so many other caregivers, had family that are willing to help care for them. I am slowly coming to terms that I'm pretty much in this alone. I do have a brother and he helps when he can. Trust me, I know his time is limited and he does his best to accommodate when I need him. No, I'm not making excuses for him, I just know what all is on his plate.

Everyone live their lives according to what is important to them. I have lived my life according to how my mother was feeling (I will explain that another time). But I recently saw a post saying, "once caregiving is over, there is no going back to what you use to be". For now, I got to adjust to what maybe the new normal...

Lord, Give me strength...