Don't Cry...

Most don't know, but I am a very sensitive person. I am also a cry baby too. I learned how to not show my emotions, by watching my father. In difficult times, I never saw him stress, worried or appear weak, in intense moments. I thought that is how we are suppose to be.  But in one fleeing moment, I saw my father cry, then it was over just as quick as it came. That shook me and confused me. And now I try my best to remain strong and keep my emotions and tears in check....I can't do it anymore.

Not knowing how each day with my mother will go, is truly nerve-wracking! I feel as if I am walking on egg shells and my stress level is off the charts. I find myself fighting back tears often, especially when someone ask, "how's your mother doing".  Rarely anyone ask me how am I doing, and I fight back the tears then too.

I heard being a caregiver is a thankless job, and I'm learning it's a helpless job as well. By that I mean, people offer to help or says "call me if you need me", well I am quickly learning it is just words.

How can I be strong for my mother, when I'm weak from stress, sleepless nights and no one to help me?  I know I need to lean even more on God, but often times forget to do that. I pray for healing, but know there is no healing for this disease.  I hold my mother every night, and pray for the both of us. I fight back tears even then. I have broke down in front of her. However it was during one of her hallucination, and I just wanted my mother to hold me, but she didn't see me in that moment.

My biggest fear, is when the day come, that my mother will no longer see me, her daughter! 😢

Love you always momma...