Who am I...

I know having dementia is hard on the person with it, and often they don't know it. It is normal behavior for them, and what's crazy is that they don't know it. At least it becomes that way down the road.  Although it's early for my mother with medication, but when memories comes back to me, this slow decline started at least 10 years ago.

So now I am somewhat losing my sense of self, but I am doing my best not too. But the most frustrating thing to go though, is when my mother doesn't see me when she looks at me. Often now, I am some worker that is here to help her and do things around the house. But the main name of this person is "Anita", which is my name, but visually, she sees another face.  Most of the time it will last most of the day. The only time I know it has switched back is when she calls me "Nita".  Then ask me did the other girl leave.

You see I need to get to the place where this doesn't bother me, and not feel like why am I here or go into a depress state. I'm sure we all have experience someone forgetting our name or call us by the wrong name. We will correct them and they either apologize or laugh about the mistake. Well with my mother, correcting her takes her into a state of confusion, agitation and most times anxiety, I know i should not correct her, but I do and I guess it's out of selfishness.

I hate having to pretend I am someone else for her. And it is exhausting when it goes back and forth all day. It sometimes feels like I don't know who I'm suppose to be! There will be moments where she is so agitated and anxiety kicks in to the point where she cries for long period of time. Of course I want to console her, but it hurts when she rejects me and it's because in those moments, I am not her daughter. I guess I am becoming depressed at times now, and who wouldn't when the mother you love don't see you when she looks at you. I have mentioned how I am in a online support group of regular individuals going though this too. I am amazed how some seem to have a good handle on this caretaking thing, then there are others like me that post, "I can't do this"! That is me some many times.

Right now, I am looking for other ways to keep me straight. I do my crafting, when my mind is calm, but I got to get back to doing things that makes me feel good, that doesn't interfere with caring for my mother.  Currently I am learning to take better care of our plants, and that is giving me some peace. This is going to be a long journey and I need God to help me to remain calm, find what will keep my mind quite and most of all, how to not react to each time my mother doesn't see me.

Need calm in the strom please..