It's always something...

Mom started a new way to take a current medication.  It is much easier, but of course, it takes a bit longer for the new dose to get into her system.  So with that being said, she started the medication a week ago and of course things had been out of whack.

Sunday, she was up for 20 hours, and so was I.  Worst part, she pretty much stayed in a state of confusion that day, and I was exhausted to the point that all I did was cry that day.

So at one point, I said screw it. I went to bed and left her sitting up downstairs. Now don't get it twisted, I do have a couple of cameras to monitor her.  Of course once she went to bed, I had to go back down and redo what she undid.

Thank God for the online support group on social media, for now I don't feel all alone with some of the things I been going through with her.  I'm learning a lot of her behavior is a normal thing. Like saying how she wants to go home. Mind you, we are home, but learning it could be where she is in her mind in those moments. Like she maybe in a younger period of time in her mind. Or, and I did think this, because of the lack of company from family, and she has said this, that her family doesn't know where she is and probably looking for her.

I am also learning that the family member who is caring for their love one, is doing it pretty much alone. And some in the group have been doing it for years. They call Dementia "the long good bye".  I truly hate, and I try not to use that word, but I hate what it is doing to her.  No I don't have a life, but when I look back, I haven't had a life for years, due to the fact that my mother would be worrying about me, when I am out, especially at night. It gotten to the point, if she didn't hear from me before a certain time, she would call my cell looking for me. I believe this was the beginning of the deterioration of her mind...worrying and stressing.  It got to the point where I just stop going anywhere. But she still worried.

And even now with the Dementia, she still have the nerve to worry. If only I could get her to relax, it wouldn't be so hard for her, and for me. But we are beyond that stage.....

The long goodbye...

Out of sight, out of mind...

With Dementia, the short term memory is almost non-existent. Growing up, I would hear the phrase out of sight, out of mind and today I witness it. My sister called my mother from California and it had been a long time since they talked. At first mother didn't know who it was, even though she saw her name on the caller ID and I told her who was calling, but it just didn't register at the time. But when it did kick in, mother talked to her as if she was someone in their late teens or early twenties.

My sister just rolled with it, but it scared me, for I knew something was going to happen later, and it did.  Her mind crashed and she was back in Ohio, told me I was her sister, and started packing clothes once again. (Yeah, forgot to write about that nighmare!)

You have no clue how much I hate this disease and what it does to our love ones. I am not one to use the word "hate", but now I do and with great passion, for it is robbing me of my love, my friend, my mother. I hate that it causes her to not see me as her daughter 75% of the time!!

I need help, but until I can get it, I decided to join a support group on social media for caregivers and have learned how much I'm not alone in this journey.  One major thing I learned,  my mother says often, "I want to go home", and how they have handle those moments. Yes, it happen tonight, but a little different, for she wants to leave in the morning.  Hopefully this night sleep with cancel that thought.

I suppose, they are feeling that they are being missed, when though I am here living with mom, but in her mind, I don't know what year she is living in, in those moments.

Give me strength...

Groundhog day...

I guess it was just wishful thinking on my part. I saw a big difference in my mother with her new medication.  But four days later, it was back to the days from hell! Yes, I know it's just the disease that is causing all this chaos that I go through every afternoon and sometimes all day. But how do you get a person to shut their mind down from worrying, fear and anxiety?

She actually knows, if she takes a good nap everyday, a lot of this is manageable, but she doesn't nap long and I'm alone to live with it. 

Fast forward to today, two weeks later and finally, she napped for 2 hours and an hour and half of that, I got to nap! I can't to begin to tell you how good it felt. I have been so tired for so long and I pray I can get more days like today.

Most don't know, but I'm a sleeper and I love to sleep. I believe it is one of the main reasons I have a hard time handling the changes that mom goes through. Didn’t realized until this moment that I am sleep  deprived. 

I pray the Lord will give us more days like today, and will take advantage of it to give my body and mind the rest it truly needs. I can get with that type of groundhog day!

Change the times...

Day into Night...

Sometimes each day seems like a continuation of the previous day. Then again, often time it is. Knowing there is no clue, and now there are medications to help slow down or help with some of the symptoms. But to live around it, makes me wonder if I need to start taking something for my brain health. 

Everyone tells me not to forget to take care of me. But most don't offer to give me a break, so I can do just that. Mother's day weekend, my brother was able to stay with mother, so I could take a break. My sister-in-love treated me to dinner. I really enjoyed it, but the night didn't end well once I got home. Although my brother was with mother, and she was exhausted, she wouldn't go to bed until I got back because she was worried about me, being out and it was at night. Then she had the nerve to be upset with me, but still having a lot of confusion going on in her head, due to tireness. Of course she did not remember the next morning, but she was off and on for the entire day. 

Fast forward to a week later, I notice a changed in my mother. She started a new medication the Sunday before Mother's day,  and the change is in a positive direction.  We had four better days and the day before yesterday was not the best. I am thankful for every day, but to have four good days, we haven't had that since she was diagnosed with Dementia. Prayerfully the more days with the new medication,  the more good days we will have that are good. Keep in mind, when I say good, it is minimum hallucinations and confusion. Not fighting with her to take the medication.  The problem with the medication before all of this, my mother was only taking one prescription and two vitamins at 93 years old.  Now we added three medications, and to be honest it isn't much for all of them, but one, is low doze. So she is doing good for her age.

What I'm most thankful for is, I can sleep at night. Just wish I could get in my normal 8 to 10 hours. 😁

Praying for better days...

It's morning...

Don't know who is reading this, or if you are a caregiver, but every morning my mother does not recognize who I am.  They told me with this disease, there will be up and down days, but since coming home from the hospital,  we have had just two good days and the other days has been really stressful.

I wear a fitbit which monitor my stress levels, so the lower the numbers, means the body is showing physical signs of stress. Today was the first time I started in the fifties!  That's not good at all. I know it's because of not getting good rest at night. I plan to nap everyday,  but my mother does not nap long, and so I barely get one in myself. Because of her not napping, it comes a very rough afternoon. I know it is wrong to think this way, but I find myself praying for her to go the bed at night.

Am I wrong? I truly have no clue. I really should be handling this much better by now, right? I was told my mother has Dementia in November of last year, 6 months ago. I don't know, maybe I'm in denial, or maybe life can not be this cruel! She is 93 years old and why now? Why Dementia, the one diagnosed that will rob her of 93 years of memories! The love of her children and the joy they bring her.  I need to know why would God allow this to happen to her?

I am well aware none of us knows how or when we will leave this earth. But I may have said this already, but I don't want my mother leaving this world, not knowing who I am!! 😭 I do know this, I do need God to help me help her, for I feel and I know, I am doing a terrible job at it. My emotions are so all over the place, that I'm tired and I find myself yelling a lot and getting so angry that I slam things.

I truly need to find a support group, other then those I know personally that has gone through this with a love one. I now know, I really need help in caring for my mother. Her meltdown on tonight, truly showed me I do not know how to properly care for her. There is so much more to it, then redirecting her as they told me to do in the hospital.  I truly need God to direct me in the way I need to go.

I need you now Lord...

All day is no fun...

Have you ever been around someone that was in a bad mood all day long? It becomes draining and you just have to get away from them at all cost. Well, how about someone with a disease that they have no control over and they keep telling you they want to go home, everyday, all day? This has gone on for me, for a little over two weeks now.

It is so draining and it does push me to a point that is not good for this situation.  I had to apologize to my mother several times, because I lost it, I snapped, I yelled, I cried and I walked out, only to go sit in my car for awhile. I have yet to look at suggested videos to help me in these moments and I truly need too. Because I was told they will help to understand also.

However, I learned today, that some medications when taken at the same time, can have an adverse affect on the person.  With mother, she goes to bed tired and wake the same. But now when she gets up, she is very confused. Confused to the point, that she doesn't recognize her home, wanting to go home and waiting for someone to tell her what to do. And the worst part, she is back to not recognizing who I am.

Yes, I let her doctor know, but she is out of the office for a few day. The LNP called me to get a better understanding of what my mother is going through.  She told me that her medication she take at bedtime, along with the melatonin, often creates a hangover type symptoms for older adults.  So I had to stop and think about how mother is when she gets up. She's still tired, holding onto things as she walk, never sure what day or time it is,  in a state of confusion and sits there as if she doesn't know what to do (and she doesn't know). 

Once I talked with the nurse, we came up with a different time frame for her medication.  I pray it will change her mornings back to the better and that her sleep is more restful. The way she is now, I will need someone to stay with her, so I can run errands and much more in the mornings.

Sending up prayers 🙏🏾...

I just have too...

In this journey so far, I can count on one hand, just how many good, uneventful days I had with mother. A few Fridays ago was one of them.  Of course I thank the Lord for it and pray He give us many more. It felt so good to hear her snoozing while taking a nap. A true sign that she was actually sleeping!

I am trying my best not to get to excited, for the next day could be the complete opposite, and of course, I am praying that it doesn't.  But what made that day different? A speech therapist came to the house. She actually got mother to engage in a few activities. Watching how my mother worked with her felt good, but on the other hand, it hurt me in a lot of ways.

I tried so many times to get my mother to do activities to help exercise her body and mind, but she always put up a big fuss and resist. But with a total stranger, she is willing to try all that she gave her to do, so why is that? 

I suppose, we are more comfortable with strangers at times, because with most, we will never see them again.  But with those who are there for you, we tend to give them a hard time. I really have no clue why that is. 

But who would have thought, the brain needs to be exercising too.  We just go on with life and not think about how we care about other parts of our body, but not the actual control center of it. Isn't that crazy. If there is one thing I have learned through all this, it's I must keep my mind active and that is where my crafting comes into play. I must get back to reading too. The mental health is just important.

Use it or lose it...