There are times when you love being in a relationship, then there are times you don't want to be bothered. But when you find yourself in a situation and just need some support from a person who can hold you while you cry in their arms, and their voice gently tells you "everything is going to be alright. I got you!". Yeah, this is one of those times I need in my life.
But guess what? Not everyone is built to be this type of person for a relationship, especially for what I'm dealing with. Maybe this is why all my relationship never worked out. They were more needy then my mother is now, but her needs are due to her illness, theirs were just wanting a woman to do and care for them!
Recently, I was up for 38 hours, because my mother would not go back to bed. In two days, she got 3 and half hours of sleep, I got 28 mintues. It was so hard watching her fighting through the tiredness of her mind and body. She fought it and the crazy part is, with this disease she doesn't recognize when her body and mind is tired! During those 38 hours, I cried for her and myself because I am doing this alone and more so, i was extremely tired..🥺
I did not know just how stressful this caretaking was going to be, and I been doing it now for 9 months. Because it is full time and I have let a lot of things I love to do go for now, because I don't have any one to step in to help out. Hell, I assumed family was going to step up and help out. That's what I get for thinking!! But now I truly know how things really are when a person is in need, both permanently and temporary. We all make time for temporary. And you would think, they would help out when it is a elderly person.
Yes, I know not all partners are willing to help, but with the right partner in your life, things can be less stressful and you have someone to help right beside you, and comfort you when needed. I sometimes wonder if God was keeping me alone because of this time in my life? Or was it me getting ahead of Him, because I was lonely and wanted somebody? Probably both, so now because I got ahead of God, I'm now unable to have a life of my own. What kills me is, people keep telling me "you need to take care of you" or "you need to get away for awhile"!
I know I have said all of this before, and people don't think before they speak, and I know most are ignorant to the disease I am dealing with every day. Granted, I don't know everything about it and each time I find a bit I time to read about it, I find myself falling asleep. But being able to have time to myself, is non existent. So trying to have a relationship now, is totally out of the question, unless God delivers him right to my doorstep. I do have to laugh, even though I wasn't in a full relationship with this person, but as soon as he learned what my mother has, he totally ghost me. I knew he would, because while dealing with him, I quickly learned he doesn't like being around sick people. 🤦🏾♀️
Having the right partner with the right mind set and a willingness to be your covering and a help meet, is a God sent, because that is the only way for me and anyone to have the right partner in our lives. I know I have to have patience and do what I need to do with the situations in my life. Right now, that's my mother and her needs for as long as I possibly.
Yes, I don't want to be alone...
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