Tears...

I have done my share of crying these past 4 fours months. A few has told me what to do when my mother has her sundowning moments.  The hospital said to redirect her, and that has be so stressful for me, and I'm  not sure what and how to do it. So guess what happens in those moments....I become stressful, angry and the tears.

I know it is the disease that is controlling her, but if I'm being real, I just want my momma back!! I don't and I can't handle seeing her this way. And knowing that this disease will eventually end her life, hurts me to my core!! I have prayed and asked one thing from God, and that is to not let my mother not know who I am in the end. I know God's will, will be done in all situations.  But we can still ask Him for our heart desires.

I am working on being more in control of my feelings and actions, when she goes into her confusing moments. I was told to speak in a calming tone and try not to allow the disease to get to me (a friend told me that). Yes, it is the disease that has her being out of character. She has always been a strong woman, but I am learning that wasn't the case. Behind the strength, I am now learning is a lot of pain from her past.

One particular pain she has held onto for 60 years. I wonder if past hurt/pain that people hold onto throughout the years, could be a driving force for developing Dementia? To go over and over in your mind, about such things, will take its toll eventually. Some people can go into a depress state and just sit there and withdraw from life. I suppose Dementia is the same thing.

I just realized, I haven't cried in a few days. Not that I want too, and trust me, there was a few moments yesterday, where I came close, but I removed myself physically, in order to regroup. So yeah, I am slowly learning to walk this path I am on right now. Praying that God will keep me strong and keep me covered as well.

No more tears for now....