Make it stop...

I wish I can say I signed up for this, but I didn't.  I was pushed into being a caregiver by the hospital basically.  And now, I so wish there was a way to make all of this go away!  And why do anyone have to go through it?

A friend and I were talking about when we were kids. People who would talk to themselves or act out in a way that wasn't "our" normal and people would say, "their senile" or "crazy" or "a little touch", but whatever they said, it was just that it didn't have a name for it, until many years later. And those people, you wouldn't see them out of the house much either. But there were those that you did and I hate to say it, but us kids would make fun of them, and knowing what I know now, there is nothing funny about it at all.

My mother been having a lot of down moments of late, and most will catch me off guard and I hate to say, but my reaction has not been good, so it made the entire situation worst.  I know it's the disease,  but I wish I could make it stop!  She is my best friend, and now my best friend oftentimes doesn't see me, or yell at me or cuss at me too. 

Today she made a comment that cut me so deep, that I was ready to get all of my things and leave her here by herself.  But that thought didn't last long, and I just found myself not saying anything to her for a long time. Trust me, she didn't make me feel any better with the looks she was giving me, right up to when she went to bed.  The sad part is, she will not remember all of this in the morning. 

Of course, not everyone will go through something toward the end of life. I often ask God, "but why my momma?".  You know, she made a comment some time ago saying, "I can't believe this is how my life will end". I didn't think much of it then, but now I wonder, how did she know she would be going through something like this?  She is 93 years old, so why is she going through this? 

God!!! Make it stop...