I can't do this...

Lately it has been something everyday, that has pushed me to a breaking point. I seem to have a total meltdown every other day! This thing is to hard to take. But I realize now, what I can't take, is what it is doing to my momma!!

I am tired, tired of crying, tired of not getting enough sleep, tired of worrying and waiting for a episode to happen, just out right TIRED!!!!

If I was giving a chance to think about taking care of my mother this way, I would have said, "get somebody else to do it", and walk away.  But I didn't get that chance at all. 

I made a decision to leave my job about 13 years ago, because of what the 12 hour nights for a year did to my health. Now, I'm not working nights, but this is far worst.  Being here for her in my mind was taking her to appointments, hanging out here and there, laughing..joking..and just enjoying life.  Granted, it was 12 and a half years of that, but never would I have thought it would change so drastically!

I can not begin to understand why my mother, and why God would allow this to happen to her.  Today was so stressful, and majority of the time, there is no one available to help me with her.  Tonight a friend reminded me that God has me in this place for a reason.  What I need to do in those moments when no one can be there, is to walk away and go to God in prayer for the help and strength I need to get through those moments.

"Heavenly Father, I am only human and so weak. I need your guidance to get through the tough and chaotic times with my mother. Lord if it be your will, lessen those moments,  give us more calm and peaceful times. But please, if I must go through this,, give me the strength and wisdom to handle and do what needs to be done, to help my mother in the best way possible, in Jesus name, Amen"

Strength and Patience...

Sleep does the body good...

Being sleep deprived, has never been my issue, until now.  Today, I had a mental breakdown. My mind had had enough and I lost it! I know you know the feeling, for we all been there. Most of the time we can deflect and keep from going off on someone physically. Or telling someone how you really are feeling.

But the lack of sleep can and will affect your body, both physically and mentally.  I watch my mother over the past week, very slowly become weaker each day, due to the lack of restful sleep. Of course, it affected me as well. I am trying my best to get her to do what is needed to help her body and mind, but there is so much negativity within her, that she resist without thinking about it.

When I was young, both my parents would tell us, "don't say can't". Telling us how we can do anything. Well, now my 93 year old mother, tells me how she "can't" lay down and go to sleep, when it comes to napping.  But I seen her do it so many times. Then today, Easter Sunday, something broke within her and she went to bed on her own. All week she fought me about going to bed, with last night being the worst. So today, I watched my mother, bent over, unable to stand up straight, move around the house, holding on to everything trying not to fall. I don't want to talk about her mental state.

My prayer tonight, is that God give her the restful sleep that she needs, so He can strengthen her body and mind. To give her the knowledge to recognize when it's time to lay her body down for a rest break, in Jesus name, Amen!

Lord help us both...

But it's the past...

I knew my mother worried a lot, but I didn't know the depth of it until recently.  Not only worrying, but fear of losing things or something happening, has a grip on her too. Recently, I come to learn she been holding onto resentment for over 60 years! Thing is, it was because she had no say so in a situation back then. Granted, it was a good thing all around, but for her, she felt disrespected, and I get that. But now, it has affected her mental health and now it is called Dementia.

All the working, stressing, anger, etc, really does a number on our physical and mental health. It is the reason we live with so many different illnesses.  Me, I currently live with diabetes.  Now I have learned it was not because I ate a lot of sweets (which I did), it was because of a lot of carbohydrates in my diet and my portion size as well. We don't learn, until it's to late, that carbs turn into sugar within our bodies, majority of the time, it's bad carbs. So now, I do my best to downsize what I eat. I also am working on not allowing stress to consume me. 

Only a few knew what I was going through in my marriage back in the day. But once the dust settled, I asked the Lord to forgive me. Why? Because I married someone that He did not want me to marry. Yes, God gave me a warning, and I ignored it, because I didn't recognize it as a warning. So I lived in hell for 2 years. Our bodies will give us warning signs as well, but we ignore them, because we want what we want, or fear has a vise grip on our mind.

When my mother start sundowning, the same things come up during that time. I see and hear a lot of fear coming from her and no matter what I say or try to do to help her, she let me know that I know nothing and I am during her wrong. Yeah, it hurts to hear her say those things, but I try to remember it is the disease, but on the other hand....is it? Our past can really do a number on our mental selves. We got to learn how to let it go, and change for the better.

Love hurts...

Make it stop...

I wish I can say I signed up for this, but I didn't.  I was pushed into being a caregiver by the hospital basically.  And now, I so wish there was a way to make all of this go away!  And why do anyone have to go through it?

A friend and I were talking about when we were kids. People who would talk to themselves or act out in a way that wasn't "our" normal and people would say, "their senile" or "crazy" or "a little touch", but whatever they said, it was just that it didn't have a name for it, until many years later. And those people, you wouldn't see them out of the house much either. But there were those that you did and I hate to say it, but us kids would make fun of them, and knowing what I know now, there is nothing funny about it at all.

My mother been having a lot of down moments of late, and most will catch me off guard and I hate to say, but my reaction has not been good, so it made the entire situation worst.  I know it's the disease,  but I wish I could make it stop!  She is my best friend, and now my best friend oftentimes doesn't see me, or yell at me or cuss at me too. 

Today she made a comment that cut me so deep, that I was ready to get all of my things and leave her here by herself.  But that thought didn't last long, and I just found myself not saying anything to her for a long time. Trust me, she didn't make me feel any better with the looks she was giving me, right up to when she went to bed.  The sad part is, she will not remember all of this in the morning. 

Of course, not everyone will go through something toward the end of life. I often ask God, "but why my momma?".  You know, she made a comment some time ago saying, "I can't believe this is how my life will end". I didn't think much of it then, but now I wonder, how did she know she would be going through something like this?  She is 93 years old, so why is she going through this? 

God!!! Make it stop...

Tears...

I have done my share of crying these past 4 fours months. A few has told me what to do when my mother has her sundowning moments.  The hospital said to redirect her, and that has be so stressful for me, and I'm  not sure what and how to do it. So guess what happens in those moments....I become stressful, angry and the tears.

I know it is the disease that is controlling her, but if I'm being real, I just want my momma back!! I don't and I can't handle seeing her this way. And knowing that this disease will eventually end her life, hurts me to my core!! I have prayed and asked one thing from God, and that is to not let my mother not know who I am in the end. I know God's will, will be done in all situations.  But we can still ask Him for our heart desires.

I am working on being more in control of my feelings and actions, when she goes into her confusing moments. I was told to speak in a calming tone and try not to allow the disease to get to me (a friend told me that). Yes, it is the disease that has her being out of character. She has always been a strong woman, but I am learning that wasn't the case. Behind the strength, I am now learning is a lot of pain from her past.

One particular pain she has held onto for 60 years. I wonder if past hurt/pain that people hold onto throughout the years, could be a driving force for developing Dementia? To go over and over in your mind, about such things, will take its toll eventually. Some people can go into a depress state and just sit there and withdraw from life. I suppose Dementia is the same thing.

I just realized, I haven't cried in a few days. Not that I want too, and trust me, there was a few moments yesterday, where I came close, but I removed myself physically, in order to regroup. So yeah, I am slowly learning to walk this path I am on right now. Praying that God will keep me strong and keep me covered as well.

No more tears for now....

Why...

Do you wonder why certain things happen to you or someone you know? Why do some get cancer, MS, lupus, Dementia?  We always say that God doesn't make mistakes. Of course I haven't found those words in the scripture,  but if He isn't a man that He should lie (Numbers 23:19), then why would He make mistakes.

I do believe everything happens for a reason, and doing this time with my mother, I am coming to realize, there is something deep within her, that is coming to the surface.  Dementia is a cruel disease,  but I am starting to believe God has me with her for a reason, and although I am having major issues handling all of this, after today, I realize I need to pay close attention.  I need to except that this really happening to my mother.

After talking with others who has walked this road with love ones, a few told me they learned more about them during their illness, then before it. She keeps wanting to go home, even though she is home, but in those moments, she doesn't recognize her home.  Then there are people and children that she sees. More and more, I notice the people are workers/owners and I have no clue about the children.

Hallucinations are real! To watch someone seeing others is scary, but I realize that maybe I need to be present in those moments with her?  I know we all have things in our past that we want, and maybe need to stay in our past. But those things that has cause us emotional pain/trauma, well maybe we should talk to someone to let it out, in words, to have peace in our lives.

As children, my mother would take me and my brother different places to have fun, and often times, take a few of our neighbor friends with us. To me that was normal, but maybe it meant something else to my mother. I've seen the photos of them having fun, but what was really happening behind the photos. Who knows what all they seen and experience, growing up in the 30's, 40's and 50's. Whatever it was, it did scar my mother.

Stop holding it in...

No Place like Home...

My mother spent a week in the hospital.  Of course she doesn't remember what happened that put her there. To be honest, she doesn't remember being there. She only been home 3 days now, and seem to be more confused now, then before what happened to her. I just wish I could forget that day!!!

I will say, I am sleeping better since she's been home, and I didn't sleep well while she was gone. Now that is crazy, but I now realize, it was because she was in the hospital, so I could have gotten a phone call during the night. Yes, I did check my phone several times during the night too.

I am doing my best to remain calm during her sundowning moments. And there is no telling when it could start, but it can/does happens during the early part of the day too. The key is redirecting her during her confused moments and I am not good at that. First thing this morning,  I had to go sit in my car in order to not get so upset that I say the wrong thing, in the wrong way.  Often times I have to call my brother to help via phone. And I begin to stress when I can't reach him.

Now that I am going through this, my heart goes out to those who have to do it alone. I am semi alone, and most of it is totally overwhelming.  What hurt the most is when she says "I want to go home".  We are "hone" and no matter what I say, she doesn't believe me. Last night I was calm in telling her, but I still need my brother help to get her to go to bed.

Anxiety always hit me at bedtime with her. I am on pins and needles until she is actually in bed! I should not be feeling this way. I should have a better handle on this. I was giving a link to videos to help caregivers of Dementia people, and I will start watching some, that the doctor suggested on the UCLA health site for caregiver training. I must learn more about how to care for my mother. I truly do not know how long I will be able to do this, but I do need to be better equipped.

This is so cruel...