Why...

Do you wonder why certain things happen to you or someone you know? Why do some get cancer, MS, lupus, Dementia?  We always say that God doesn't make mistakes. Of course I haven't found those words in the scripture,  but if He isn't a man that He should lie (Numbers 23:19), then why would He make mistakes.

I do believe everything happens for a reason, and doing this time with my mother, I am coming to realize, there is something deep within her, that is coming to the surface.  Dementia is a cruel disease,  but I am starting to believe God has me with her for a reason, and although I am having major issues handling all of this, after today, I realize I need to pay close attention.  I need to except that this really happening to my mother.

After talking with others who has walked this road with love ones, a few told me they learned more about them during their illness, then before it. She keeps wanting to go home, even though she is home, but in those moments, she doesn't recognize her home.  Then there are people and children that she sees. More and more, I notice the people are workers/owners and I have no clue about the children.

Hallucinations are real! To watch someone seeing others is scary, but I realize that maybe I need to be present in those moments with her?  I know we all have things in our past that we want, and maybe need to stay in our past. But those things that has cause us emotional pain/trauma, well maybe we should talk to someone to let it out, in words, to have peace in our lives.

As children, my mother would take me and my brother different places to have fun, and often times, take a few of our neighbor friends with us. To me that was normal, but maybe it meant something else to my mother. I've seen the photos of them having fun, but what was really happening behind the photos. Who knows what all they seen and experience, growing up in the 30's, 40's and 50's. Whatever it was, it did scar my mother.

Stop holding it in...

No Place like Home...

My mother spent a week in the hospital.  Of course she doesn't remember what happened that put her there. To be honest, she doesn't remember being there. She only been home 3 days now, and seem to be more confused now, then before what happened to her. I just wish I could forget that day!!!

I will say, I am sleeping better since she's been home, and I didn't sleep well while she was gone. Now that is crazy, but I now realize, it was because she was in the hospital, so I could have gotten a phone call during the night. Yes, I did check my phone several times during the night too.

I am doing my best to remain calm during her sundowning moments. And there is no telling when it could start, but it can/does happens during the early part of the day too. The key is redirecting her during her confused moments and I am not good at that. First thing this morning,  I had to go sit in my car in order to not get so upset that I say the wrong thing, in the wrong way.  Often times I have to call my brother to help via phone. And I begin to stress when I can't reach him.

Now that I am going through this, my heart goes out to those who have to do it alone. I am semi alone, and most of it is totally overwhelming.  What hurt the most is when she says "I want to go home".  We are "hone" and no matter what I say, she doesn't believe me. Last night I was calm in telling her, but I still need my brother help to get her to go to bed.

Anxiety always hit me at bedtime with her. I am on pins and needles until she is actually in bed! I should not be feeling this way. I should have a better handle on this. I was giving a link to videos to help caregivers of Dementia people, and I will start watching some, that the doctor suggested on the UCLA health site for caregiver training. I must learn more about how to care for my mother. I truly do not know how long I will be able to do this, but I do need to be better equipped.

This is so cruel...