Transparent Moment: Christmas Day Dinner!

I was on pins and needles on Christmas, because it was the first time, I had to do all the cooking for me and mom. I normally cook the Cornish hens and she does everything else on Christmas. But now, I am the cook for her everyday and truly wish I had stuck around when I was younger while she was cooking dinner, instead of sneaking outside to ride my bike 😅

However, with the help of my sister-in-love, I was able to make the dressing for the first time. Did mother enjoyed the meal?  Well lets just say, she had seconds at dinner and another serving later in the day! 😁 It was the most food she has eaten in a long while. But what made me cry this morning, was when she told me, "you cooked all day yesterday! You did good and I'm so proud of you" 😭🥰

Best Christmas Ever! 🎄

Santa Baby...

Merry Christmas Everyone! This Christmas for the first time in life, I am cooking dinner for my mother and I. There is so much to cooking that she doesn't  remember, so I have to rely on Pinterest for recipes. Like cornbread dressing! I love my mother's dressing, but she doesn't remember all she does to make it. She was not one to measure ingredients, because she has made it some many times that she used her eyes to measure.  And now with dementia, that too has failed her and of course nothing is written down. I guess if I had my priorities straight as a teen, I would had spent more time in the kitchen with her, instead outside riding my bike all over the city. Behold, I remembered my sister-in-law learn how to make it, so i got some instructions from her.

I believe we all have a favorite dish our mothers made that we couldn't get enough of. Mine is chicken and dumplings. She would make her own dough, and of course she doesn't remember what all she used to make it. So years ago, she told me to just get a can of biscuits. I did and of course it didn't taste exactly like hers, but it was close enough. I am determine to make my own dough the next time I want to make them.

However, my dinner is almost complete, and I can't wait for mom to taste it. But she did taste the dumplings on yesterday and loved them! You have know clue how much that made me feel. To be honest, I haven't cook this much in the past 30 years. And I'm starting to enough it and my momma need to eat. I am so glad she is enjoying it. Well, you know she is, when she ask me every day, "what we eating today". 🥰

So my prayer is that she and I have a wonderful day today and I wish you and yours a.....

Merry Christmas 🎄...

I love your smile...

Sunday, a few people told me how good it was to see me smiling. That caught me off guard, because I thought I was smiling all the time. But on the flip side, I had been tired for sometime and normally I can fake it and not show whatever I was going through. Life with mom is still stressful to a point, but not as intense as it had been.

I had a conversation once with someone about flirting and how I never could and didn't know how to flirt (and I still don't). They told me all I needed to do was smile. I never tested it out, and then again I haven't met or seen anyone I would want to flirt with. The way my life is now, I have no time for another person in it, and I need God now more then I ever had.

I understand not everyone believes, but I remember how He got me through my father sickness and that was rough. Or when my son moved away. I cried like a baby for a few days, and asked God to watch over him and keep him safe. God has not let me down, He has moved mountains for my son and he is doing well.

When it comes to my mother and her Dementia, it took me a year to realized that I had not gone to God to help and guide me through this. So a few weeks ago, I brought my Bible, devotional books and ordered a new journal to write my prayers in. I now believe my time with God is why my smile is back and I feel more rested as well.

I believe smiles come from a deep place within us. A place of calm, comfort and peace. I am still struggling when my mother's sundowning moments become intense and I need to do my best to remember where my help comes from to handle it. It's hard to do, but I got to do better for my own peace of mind.

I do want all my smiles to be genuine, and I now see, building a partnership with God, is going to keep my smiles growing from deep within.

Where is your smile...

Transparent Moment: Happy Birthday Face!

Today is the most important day of my life! It was on a Sunday 45 years ago, that the greatest love of my life, came into the world. I really didn't know just how must I needed him then.

You see, I didn't want children and people are still surprised about that. Not sure why.  I know people feel that it is a woman's duty to have children, but I know scripture wise, there are those who purpose is to be single, so they can do the work of the Lord (1 Corinthians 7:34).

This now grown man, brought into my life unconditional love 45 years ago. Now I'm not saying my parents didn't give me love, but I am now the parent who is feeling the love a child gives you. I have to remind myself that I did not want a child and did everything you can do, to make sure that didn't happen. Well, we now know I totally failed! But God had a different plan and knew I needed him, in so many different ways.

One thing I do remember, when I heard his first cry, all I went through before that moment disappeared and was replaced with a love I can not explain. Today is his 45th birth date, and I still pray to God to continue to keep him safe and protected, and He has not failed me in that pray!!

Happy Birthday my Face! 🎂🎉🎁

Nights like this...

If only the sound of rain could quite the strom going on in my mother's mind. I wish I could say or do something to take away those dreams that give her nightmares. Most will recognize when their dreaming, but I am quickly learning with mother, she doesn't know a dream from reality.

It is happening more with her crying out, painful moans and yelling. I whisper a prayer for her and things quite down quickly. However, a few nights ago was the first time she woke up thinking she needed to do something to keep us safe.

Since staying with my mother, I have become a light sleeper and thankful for floors that are creaky. It's my alarm alerting she is up and moving. At least she has doctors that I can message about things and this is very new and I will need more advice as to what to do for her. I know they want her to have good sleep and she has, but lately her sleep has been interrupted and not taking a nap means she is exhausted at bed time.

I know how it feels trying to get restful sleep when exhausted...you can't. I spent a year on nights, 12 shifts and I felt like I was drunk every single day! It was my doctor who was concern about my extremely low blood count. When I told him my situation, he told me that I was suffering from exhaustion and all I was doing was passing out every morning when I went to bed. When my doctor told me, if I were in an accident and got cut, I wouldn't make it. Trust me, that was my last time working nights!

That is my biggest fear, if my mother does not get the proper sleep her body needs, her mind wouldn't be able to function enough to keep her stable.

Dementia sucks...

Transparent Moment: Can We Talk

Since living back home with my mother, oftentimes I am unable to talk via phone with friends openly. Mother is always ear hustling and there were times I would say something, and she would think I am talking about her, but that would not be the case. Trust me, once it's stuck in her head, she focus on it so much that her brain starts becoming confused and hallucinations start up. It's crazy how fragile the brain is if we not treating it right.

Now my main source of communication is texting. That is good for it keeps mother calm, but on the other hand, translation get lost on the person who is reading it. Recently, my brother share on social about our situation with mother and to read it, some got the impression that he doesn't help me at all, but that's not the case. So I ended up explaining to a family friend who read it, what he was saying and what is going on, it was then they understood.

There is so many draw backs to the texting, one is when they text me, asking "how is things going today?", and I text back, but don't get a response back at all, or hours later. That is when I get into my feelings. Yeah I know things may come up on their end, but the way my life is now, texting is my main form of communication and keeping me hanging is not good. Then my mind start over thinking, which is what my mother does, so I need to break myself of that. I do make necessary calls, but to just chat, I have to wait until mother has gone to bed for the day.

Yes, living with a person with Dementia, truly is like living with a child again a lot of times. They tell me over time it will get worst, but I pray that the Lord will be merciful and allow it to be bearable for the both of us.

66 and 1 year...

Today is my birthday and 1 year since I been back home taking care of my mom. Believe it or not, I have celebrated my birthday once in my adult life, and that was with co-workers. The craziest part is, when I was in a relationship, they would ghost me from Thanksgiving until the day after new year, or never to be heard from again. Of course the ones who had the nerve to contact me after, were in for a rude awakening.

So now, I really don't know how to feel about my day of birth. Don't get me wrong, I am truly grateful that God has allowed me to see another day, but everyone would like to celebrate their birthday with family and friends. On the flip side, I'll be lucky if anyone (other the my son) remember it's my birthday.

I often wondered, did they celebrate birthdays before Christ was born?  And why do we have parties for our birthdays? I am only saying this because, I've only seen pictures of one party for me when I was around 12 years old. So apparently, it wasn't as important to them, because the celebrations stop and I never thought about until my adult years and seeing people out enjoying their birthday with family and friends.

So now, I am spending my days caring for my mother. I been living with her a year now today. Yes, I started this journey with her on my birthday. It makes me sad and come to except two things, 1) I love my mom and now my life is to care for her and keep her safe. 2) I am going to stop waiting for someone to want to do something for me on my birthday. To me it is no fun doing it yourself alone, at least that's how I feel about. I can pretty much count on one hand how many will actually remember today's my birthday, without me saying it's my birthday!

There is one thing that truly hurts, it's that my mother won't remember that today is the day, her baby girl came into her life, because of dementia.

Dementia sucks...