Waiting and waiting...

Well, the new medication is starting to kick in for mother. We had one good day, however...when it was time to get ready for bed, it was as if someone flipped the off switch on the medication.  What happens is she goes into "sundowning". It is when confusion, agitation, hallucinations and more shows up, which for me, causes a roller-coaster of emotions shooting through my body. 

I am not sure if I am waiting for it to happen, or waiting for it to just go away.  Reality is, it probably won't,  but these few days, the timing of it has become later, which is good, but not good when it happens while getting ready for bed. It brings a new set of problems for me. The one major problem is getting her to take her medication. 

It breaks my heart to watch her go through this, and emotionally, I am not strong enough to handle it. You would think I would be after all these months, but I'm not. Then I find myself yelling at her out of frustration and guilt begins to consume me. My mental health is taking a beating right now.

I am still able to run out and do a few errands every so often, and I try not to be away too long.  That too give me some time to regroup and clear my mind. I have my crafts and sometimes I am so drained physically and emotionally that I just can't do them. But I know, no matter how her day went, I must do what I need to do to release and reset my mind.  Other words, just do it!! I need to make sure I take care of me too.

Funny, I heard people saying how their family doesn't try to help.  I just knew that wouldn't be the case for me. But yet, I am still waiting for that to happen too. Didn't realize just how much waiting we do in life. And in the end, we still have to do a lot of things alone.

Something gotta give...