Girl smile...

I feel like crying each time I smile. I mean, I am forcing myself in front of people, so they don't see how much I am hurting for my mother, and myself. Like I mention, I learned how to hide my feelings from my father. There are some who knows what I am going through, so they see right pass the mask.

These past few days has not been the best. Mother's 20 plus old refrigerator stop working (of course I discovered it when we got up that morning). I was praying my mother's mind wouldn't go south on me. But it did and it was not good at all. 

I now know just how fragile the mind truly is, and just how much we abuse it everyday. I know I worry at times, and now a lot more. I stress at times, but not as much as I do now. With just these two things, it is now affecting my sleep and I love to sleep!  With an overly tried mind, it is hard to get good quality rest. I miss the days when I wake up from a good restful night of sleep with a big smile on my face. I suppose I still can, just with a different reason behind it.

God is giving me time with my mother and that along I should smile. It may not be the way I feel at times, but He is allowing her to still be in our presence.  So yeah, I should be smiling more, and I know it's okay to feel some type of way for the situation that has us in this place together.

Funny, my mother and I, would always say how we can not live together.  Well, here we are living together, and yes, it is not easy.  But I realize, I need to lean on the Lord for strength, guidance and direction.  One thing I do know, I just want more good days then bad ones. I want us both to smile more!

Lord...remind me to smile 😊🙏🏾

Hallucinations...

Do you remember when you were young, and seeing people walking and talking to themselves? I thought those people were crazy and we called them crazy. Little did we know, their behavior was often due to use of drugs or a mental health issue. 

The first person I helped to care for had this issue, and it was due to drug use in his younger years. He was one of those who had conversations with no one there. I got use to him having these full conversations with the voices in his head, and I would tell him not to talk them people while he's with me. Then he would laugh and so would I.

Now days, I am going through it again, but in a different form.  You have no clue how stressful and unnerving it is, to have your loved one, look at you and see someone else, a total stranger.  What makes it worst, they  don't hear your voice either!! With my mother, there is no amount of talking, that is going to convince her, that I am her daughter. It truly breaks my heart each time this happens, which is pretty much ever day. 

The thing I am learning more and more, this  disease, not only robs the person of who they are, but it robs you of a normal life with your love one.  My only fear is, my mother leaving this earth and not knowing who I am.

I've ask the Lord not to take her memory of me away, but I know His will, will be done.  But what this is also teaching me, I must take good care of my mental health. You know we all as children, had our imaginary friends to play with and talk too.  It was cute then, but now seeing it with an adult,  that didn't ask for this, well, it's not cute, it's devastating and there is no cure for it! Lewy Body Dementia

I see you momma...

Don't Cry...

Most don't know, but I am a very sensitive person. I am also a cry baby too. I learned how to not show my emotions, by watching my father. In difficult times, I never saw him stress, worried or appear weak, in intense moments. I thought that is how we are suppose to be.  But in one fleeing moment, I saw my father cry, then it was over just as quick as it came. That shook me and confused me. And now I try my best to remain strong and keep my emotions and tears in check....I can't do it anymore.

Not knowing how each day with my mother will go, is truly nerve-wracking! I feel as if I am walking on egg shells and my stress level is off the charts. I find myself fighting back tears often, especially when someone ask, "how's your mother doing".  Rarely anyone ask me how am I doing, and I fight back the tears then too.

I heard being a caregiver is a thankless job, and I'm learning it's a helpless job as well. By that I mean, people offer to help or says "call me if you need me", well I am quickly learning it is just words.

How can I be strong for my mother, when I'm weak from stress, sleepless nights and no one to help me?  I know I need to lean even more on God, but often times forget to do that. I pray for healing, but know there is no healing for this disease.  I hold my mother every night, and pray for the both of us. I fight back tears even then. I have broke down in front of her. However it was during one of her hallucination, and I just wanted my mother to hold me, but she didn't see me in that moment.

My biggest fear, is when the day come, that my mother will no longer see me, her daughter! 😢

Love you always momma...

I'm a Caregiver...

Years ago, I was asked to help care for a gentleman, as in finding him doctors, taking him to appointments and handling his medication. Pretty simple right? Yes it was, because it wasn't an everyday situation.  I still had a life and pretty much do what I wanted to do, and go.

However, today care situation is more intense and it's for my mother. Never would I have thought, my mother last days (God knows how long it will be) would be filled with memory issues, confusion, hallucinations, anxiety and more. I keep asking myself, did I missed signs of Dementia in her years ago? I saw things that I thought was happening just because she was getting older. Now I am learning she was having memory issues at least 10 years ago.

I often wonder, if I had known what was going on with her, would things be different now? Could it been reversed? Knowing what I know now, we might have been able to slow the process down, but it's not reversible.

I am always going to be there for my mother, but I don't know for how long by myself. Each day is different.  One day she is her old self and the next day hallucinations will come for a visit, not know for how long it plan to stay. Those are the days that get to me the most. There are those moments when my sweet, kind mother, becomes mean and angry, a side of her I have never seen in my life time. But I know it is the illness, and yet it tears me up every time.

Patiences is the key and thick skin, and that i have never been. I can be at times when that side comes out, and other times it gets the best of me and I push back. Yes, I know it's wrong, but I am learning too.  There is a different type of strength I need and I need God to help me with that, and I pray He send what I need to get through this journey!

My mother...My heart

65 and wasn't expecting this....Dementia

On my 65th birthday, I should have been celebrating a mile stone, you know finally made to getting rid of health care premiums and no longer paying for medications!!! You know, Medicare...🎉🎉🎉  

Instead, on my birthday, I had to stay with my mother, because she was release from the hospital, due to a health issues, which we now learn is Dementia. 

So, I was told that she shouldn't be left alone for now, with me being the only one not working, on my birthday, December 6th, I started staying with my mother. Has it been easy....hell no!! But, it's my mother and I am trying to do my best to care for her. It is not easy at all!! I have never experienced so much stress in my life!!

I am a diabetic, and I know stress and not eating properly isn't good for me, so it's like I am a caregiver for two people!! Do I want to cry? YES!!!  Do I want to scream? YES!! Do I want give up? YES!! But will I??? No, but I will do the best I can, until are able to have her in a place that can do more then I can. But, I will still be there for her throughout the journey!!

Love you momma! 🥰💞