What you see, is what you get...

It's starting to seem that Sundays is the day that's like a box of chocolate.  I really don't know what is going to happen with my mother.  Starts off good, but once she watches the church service live on YouTube, that is when you don't know what you're going to get afterwards.

I knew what happens when my brother and a  family friend stays with her, but I thought it would be different with me being with her today. Guess I was wrong! When she watches the church service on YouTube, I guess she thinks she is there. So when it is over, she believe it is time for us to go home. I do let her know she is at home, but not in her mind.

So I decided to go out and get the 8 inches of snow off my car, in order to change the subject. It worked for a bit, then she felt I been out there to long, got nervous and her anxiety kicked in, and guess who was yelling for me to come inside....🤦🏾‍♀️ The same thing happen when I was on the upper porch moving that snow off of it too.

They tell us to redirect them when these things happen, so I suggested a movie to watch, and she doesn't watch them, but she liked my suggestion, so we watched War Room. I was surprised when she clapped at the end of the movie. But right after, we were back to wanting to go home again! I can't win for losing.

My new reality is getting up each morning, not knowing what to expect when "she" gets up. It is so hard to prepare and I guess I truly can not anymore. Because the person who goes to bed at night, may not be the same person that wakes up the next day!!

Dementia sucks...

Turn off the lights...

With a day full of laughter and light conversation, I sometimes hate to see the night coming. Yes, she still goes through sundowning, and most times it isn't that bad. Last night it was rough, but I thank God it didn't last long, just a little over an hour.

I think about asking my doctor if I should start taking some type of vitamin for brain health. I am working hard not to let what my mother is going through to affect me. I've seen to many Caregivers post about being depressed and isolated from the world. There are those who feel like they are losing their minds, and I don't want to feel that way.

Granted, I don't get to do much, and then again I haven't done to much of anything before my mother's diagnosis. Anytime I would go somewhere or think about going somewhere, she would start to worrying to the point that I would change my mind and not go. It was so bad, that when I did go, she wouldn't go to bed until she knew I was back home safe. I can understand the worrying if I was like in my 20's, but this was happening up until I started staying with her...and I will be 66 next month!!! The real breaking point for me was when I was at a game night with people we both knew. At 9:30pm, my phone rang and I panic a bit, because it was my mother. She was calling to see if I was at home yet! Trust me, they teased the mess out of me after that call.

So now, although I am with her, there are moments that she sees me as someone else and won't go to bed until I come home. It happens during the day too, and I then have to figure out how to get her to see me again. Trying to move differently now is a challenge and lying 75% of the time is not me. Granted we all lie here and there,  but now, it is like a requirement!

Come on morning...

It's Morning...

I gauge the day each morning on how my mother greets me when we are up for the day. Sad to say, most morning she greets in a way that I realize she is not seeing. That is one of the reality of this disease. But lately, she greets me with, "morning daughter" and that does my heart good!

One good thing about mornings now, is like at the beginning of staying with her, I can good and run errands early mornings and trust me, I do check in on her with the camera while I'm away.  I believe I mention how she has left the house twice on a Sunday morning, so that is always in my mind now when I leave. But I am calmer when I know she sees me before I leave.

However, yesterday day morning, I needed to go and return an item, and normally, I do my best to not leave two or more days in a row, but it will happen I suppose. The suprise was when I got back. Now I did check the camera before I headed back, and saw she was at the kitchen counter, and I assume she was fixing a bowl of cereal. Well, I walked in and she was at the table, eating scrambled eggs with toast and jelly. She looks at me and said, "I wanted something different, so I made some cheese eggs". I just gave her a high five!

You see with a dementia mind in its early stage, they forget how to do certain things off and on, but you won't know right away what those things are. With my mother, she kept telling me how she doesn't remember how to turn the stove on, and glad I'm her to do it. But in order to cook eggs, she knew how to turn it on. Interesting isn't it? But later I realize, the side of the stove she cooks on, is the side she always used. But the other side with the coffee pot, she doesn't remember how to turn it on. And we all know they turn on the same way.  Just think, 11 months ago, she couldn't remember how to use the stove. So yes, things will come back one day, and gone the next.

I am thankful for all these better days we are having of later. There is still confusion and hallucinations within the days, but much fewer then before. How long this will last? I have no clue, but I'm going to take it one day at a time.

Calmness. ..

Who am I...

I know having dementia is hard on the person with it, and often they don't know it. It is normal behavior for them, and what's crazy is that they don't know it. At least it becomes that way down the road.  Although it's early for my mother with medication, but when memories comes back to me, this slow decline started at least 10 years ago.

So now I am somewhat losing my sense of self, but I am doing my best not too. But the most frustrating thing to go though, is when my mother doesn't see me when she looks at me. Often now, I am some worker that is here to help her and do things around the house. But the main name of this person is "Anita", which is my name, but visually, she sees another face.  Most of the time it will last most of the day. The only time I know it has switched back is when she calls me "Nita".  Then ask me did the other girl leave.

You see I need to get to the place where this doesn't bother me, and not feel like why am I here or go into a depress state. I'm sure we all have experience someone forgetting our name or call us by the wrong name. We will correct them and they either apologize or laugh about the mistake. Well with my mother, correcting her takes her into a state of confusion, agitation and most times anxiety, I know i should not correct her, but I do and I guess it's out of selfishness.

I hate having to pretend I am someone else for her. And it is exhausting when it goes back and forth all day. It sometimes feels like I don't know who I'm suppose to be! There will be moments where she is so agitated and anxiety kicks in to the point where she cries for long period of time. Of course I want to console her, but it hurts when she rejects me and it's because in those moments, I am not her daughter. I guess I am becoming depressed at times now, and who wouldn't when the mother you love don't see you when she looks at you. I have mentioned how I am in a online support group of regular individuals going though this too. I am amazed how some seem to have a good handle on this caretaking thing, then there are others like me that post, "I can't do this"! That is me some many times.

Right now, I am looking for other ways to keep me straight. I do my crafting, when my mind is calm, but I got to get back to doing things that makes me feel good, that doesn't interfere with caring for my mother.  Currently I am learning to take better care of our plants, and that is giving me some peace. This is going to be a long journey and I need God to help me to remain calm, find what will keep my mind quite and most of all, how to not react to each time my mother doesn't see me.

Need calm in the strom please..

There's no place like home...

Within the world of someone with dementia, they always want to go home. For most and my mother, they are home, but telling them that, most will not agree. Now I am learning for them, it may not mean a physical home. If you ask them where's home, often times they can't tell you.

For the past 2 weeks, every night I hear "I want to go home". I am suppose to redirect her with something like, "well, we will stay here tonight" and " lets see what happens tomorrow". For her, it doesn't work and depending on how tired her mind is, she would have a mental breakdown.  Trust me, it is not for the weak. I learned for my sanity, is to just go into another room and 90% of the time, it doesn't  work.

But now we're into our 3rd week and I believe the higher dose of medication is kicking in. The days are filled with a lot less sundowning affect, but one thing has changed, instead of her saying, "I want to go home", she is asking "are you taking me home". Am I happy? Somewhat, but there are still other behaviors still present and I know that it will always be, just don't know how intense and how long it will last. When I say "last", I mean in hours!

Now I know when she says "home", she is talking about a physical place. I believe it is my house, because she ask is she is staying here at my house.  My prayer now is that she goes to bed at a decent hour every night!!

This is truly a one day at a time life...