Every Breath You Take...

You all that have children, do you remember the first time they slept all night? If you were like me, did you jump up and ran to make sure they were breathing? Well, unfortunately, I am there all over again with my mother. She will be so tired and when she is finally taking a nap, I find myself watching her chest to make sure she is breathing.

She is oftentimes tired and won't nap, but when she does nap, and her mouth is open and head in a weird position, I am always checking. Now I know it is not her time, but I guess her age makes me do it as well. I heard to many stories of how love ones will lay down for a nap and passed away in their sleep. And I know that is my mother wish, is to go in her sleep. But am I truly ready for that?

Currently I'm dealing with some serious sundowning and this hasn't happen for a little over a month. Of course, if there is a need to breathe, it is during these moments because it becomes very chaotic! Nothing I say or do will redirect her, and everything I say or don't say is a lie, so I can't win. Oftentimes during these moments, her vision changes, she doesn't see me when she looks at me. I try my best not to let it get to me  because I know it's the disease. Be honest, who wouldn't be in their feelings when their love one doesn't recognize them?

However, I can finally breathe for a bit, for it appears we have turned a corner. For how long, I don't know. Granted she is still having moments of not seeing me, and I am doing my best to power through it. I thank God for every quiet moments I have with her, because when serious sundowning hits, I realize I hold my breath for a long time.

💨💨💨...