Merry-go-round...

It's like a merry-go-round and I am trying to come to terms with the fact, I can't get off! Who would purposely put theirs theirselves in a situation where, pretty much each day repeats itself, or comes pretty close to it. There is one thing a person with Dementia will say, "I want to go home", regardless to the fact, they are home. I for one, have not found the right words, to help reassure her, she is home or to just redirect her thought patterns. So this is just one thing I hear just about every single day.

I just want to get off this ride, but I can't! You tend to hear the same thing each day and it's hard to come up with something new to say back.  My prayer is they find a cure for this disease! Nobody, not even my worst enemy should go though this. It's just that they aren't aware and can't remember day by day. 
My brother came by and the next day, she was in a panic about him that she hasn't seen or heard from him, although he came by the day before. Of course he let her know that he had came by, and her Dementia mind, told him he did not. That's the other thing, when you tell them about something or remind them, you will be totally wrong. 

The other direction of this merry-go-round is when I need to run to the story, home or the pharmacy, normally I can leave with no problem, but of late, fear creeps in and she will be upset at times or a bit scared, by the time I get back. But late, she always tell me about who stopped by while i was gone. Trust me nobody came by.  This comes out of a state of confusion.

You know I, and so many pray that each morning we get up, that day will be different.  Yes, we know their old selves won't be there, but the close we can get to that person, then we know we will have a much better day.

Round and round we go....

Relationship or the lack of...

There are times when you love being in a relationship, then there are times you don't want to be bothered.  But when you find yourself in a situation and just need some support from a person who can hold you while you cry in their arms, and their voice gently tells you "everything is going to be alright. I got you!". Yeah, this is one of those times I need in my life.

But guess what? Not everyone is built to be this type of person for a relationship,  especially for what I'm dealing with. Maybe this is why all my relationship never worked out. They were more needy then my mother is now, but her needs are due to her illness, theirs were just wanting a woman to do and care for them!

Recently, I was up for 38 hours, because my mother would not go back to bed. In two days, she got 3 and half hours of sleep, I got 28 mintues. It was so hard watching her fighting through the tiredness of her mind and body. She fought it and the crazy part is, with this disease she doesn't recognize when her body and mind is tired! During those 38 hours, I cried for her and myself because I am doing this alone and more so, i was extremely tired..🥺

I did not know just how stressful this caretaking was going to be, and I been doing it now for 9 months.  Because it is full time and I have let a lot of things I love to do go for now, because I don't have any one to step in to help out. Hell, I assumed family was going to step up and help out. That's what I get for thinking!! But now I truly know how things really are when a person is in need, both permanently and temporary. We all make time for temporary. And you would think, they would help out when it is a elderly person.

Yes, I know not all partners are willing to help, but with the right partner in your life, things can be less stressful and you have someone to help right beside you, and comfort you when needed. I sometimes wonder if God was keeping me alone because of this time in my life? Or was it me getting ahead of Him, because I was lonely and wanted somebody? Probably both, so now because I got ahead of God, I'm now unable to have a life of my own. What kills me is, people keep telling me "you need to take care of you" or "you need to get away for awhile"!

I know I have said all of this before, and people don't think before they speak, and I know most are ignorant to the disease I am dealing with every day. Granted, I don't know everything about it and each time I find a bit I time to read about it, I find myself falling asleep. But being able to have time to myself, is non existent. So trying to have a relationship now, is totally out of the question, unless God delivers him right to my doorstep.  I do have to laugh, even though I wasn't in a full relationship with this person, but as soon as he learned what my mother has, he totally ghost me. I knew he would, because while dealing with him, I quickly learned he doesn't like being around sick people. 🤦🏾‍♀️

Having the right partner with the right mind set and a willingness to be your covering and a help meet, is a God sent, because that is the only way for me and anyone to have the right partner in our lives. I know I have to have patience and do what I need to do with the situations in my life. Right now, that's my  mother and her needs for as long as I possibly.

Yes, I don't want to be alone...