Who are you...

I wish I could think in those moments when my mother doesn't recognize who I am. Lately I'm my grandmother (her mother) and other times I'm her older sister. Recently and often, I'm that "other girl" with no name.

These moments truly un-nerves me and I know, but don't know what to do. I do my best to remain calm, but it's my mother and in the back of my mind, I don't want her not to see me. Granted, most times it doesn't last long. I can go out the house and come back in to, "I was wondering when you were getting here", although I've been here all morning.

Just this morning, we sat at the kitchen table talking about the report on the recent shooting in Minnesota and other things. I went into the bathroom for a bit, and when I came out she asked me, "when did you come downstairs". Trust me, it caught me totally off guard and once again, I didn't respond to it well. I got to figure out how to get myself to not react to the switches differently, and how to meet the switches when they come.

But to pretend to be someone I'm not is so hard. I tried a few times and it was disastrous! No matter what I said, whether true or not, I was wrong and asked why I was mistreating her. It's like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't! 

I have no clue how long this journey is going to be, but I need to figure it out, because I need to maintain my own sanity with all of this. I am giving up my life in a way to care for my mother. But I will say, I am doing more that I haven't done in a long time. But I need to get back to my crafting to help me relax more.

There's got to be another way...

All Night Long...

One night, I was awake at  2:30 am. Why? My mother had a nightmare and it took a few to get her to calm down and go back to bed. As for me, I am unable to fall back to sleep, seeing I didn't get to sleep close to midnight.  It took me a long time to settle down and when my mind was ready to go to sleep, she is awake again at 5 am, confused and thinking it was time to go.

I was able to get her to lay down again, but I'm afraid the high winds are not going to allow her to go back too sleep.

I am working to get her on a schedule with a lot of things. The two main things is when to eat and bedtime. She did go to bed close to the time I would like. I have notice, we have a pretty decent day, when she gets 12 hours of sleep. Of course that's not the case on today. I believe we will be napping most of today, at least that's is my pray.

But it seems that at least once a week of late, she has been having disturbing dreams, but it came back to me, those type of dreams are not of God. So in my nighttime prayers, I ask for calming of her mind as she sleep and rebuke satan. I learn early in life, by way of the scriptures, if you rebuke the devil, he will flee.  Of course as a child, I'm not sure if I believed it or not. But lately,  oh yeah, I believe!! I been rebuking him like crazy and God truly stepped in.

Now, I'm not saying all is back to her baseline, but we are slowly getting there. I am really working on not allowing her confused mind to upset me so much. I just have to remind myself, it will be much better in the morning.

It's a merry-go-round...

Transparent Moment: Walking in her shoes!

I saw a post in a Facebook group, and it cause me to take a step back. I have become a 2nd generation caregiver in my family, as well as others. My grandmother, my mother's mother, was a caregiver to her entire family. Meaning she cared for her parents, siblings, husband and children, until they left this earth. My grandmother left us at the age of 92. Here I am caring and helping her baby girl, my mother.

I know my grandmother had to have been tired, but she never showed it. At least I didn't see it, nor heard it in her voice. I'm sure she cried a many days and nights, got angry and more. How I wish I could talk and get advise from her now. My cousin often tell me, "you're Liz Harris granddaughter". It's time to live up to the example that went before me. I am doing the very best I can and I need the Lord to help me along the way, the same way He helped my grandmother.

I'm Liz Harris granddaughter!!!

Every Breath You Take...

You all that have children, do you remember the first time they slept all night? If you were like me, did you jump up and ran to make sure they were breathing? Well, unfortunately, I am there all over again with my mother. She will be so tired and when she is finally taking a nap, I find myself watching her chest to make sure she is breathing.

She is oftentimes tired and won't nap, but when she does nap, and her mouth is open and head in a weird position, I am always checking. Now I know it is not her time, but I guess her age makes me do it as well. I heard to many stories of how love ones will lay down for a nap and passed away in their sleep. And I know that is my mother wish, is to go in her sleep. But am I truly ready for that?

Currently I'm dealing with some serious sundowning and this hasn't happen for a little over a month. Of course, if there is a need to breathe, it is during these moments because it becomes very chaotic! Nothing I say or do will redirect her, and everything I say or don't say is a lie, so I can't win. Oftentimes during these moments, her vision changes, she doesn't see me when she looks at me. I try my best not to let it get to me  because I know it's the disease. Be honest, who wouldn't be in their feelings when their love one doesn't recognize them?

However, I can finally breathe for a bit, for it appears we have turned a corner. For how long, I don't know. Granted she is still having moments of not seeing me, and I am doing my best to power through it. I thank God for every quiet moments I have with her, because when serious sundowning hits, I realize I hold my breath for a long time.

💨💨💨...

Here we go...

First, Happy New Year to you all! Life with mom is starting to get back to her baseline of normalcy. Now I know, I must brace myself for the aftermath of fireworks and shooting guns to celebrate a holiday, do to my mother.

You would not believe the level of confusion that started at 12:30 am new year's eve!! I handle it the best way I could in a calm voice, but how I wish I could find a way to silence the noise for her And it's just about that night, it alter how her brain process situations and it will be days before it changes back.

Today, almost a week later and still having issues. Granted it's not as bad, but somethings are irritating and I am still working on how I react to the state she is in. The one thing I got to remind myself, that it is the disease and not her that has her behaving and thinking the way she does.

Although she is going through major changes, I am going through them too and more. I am doing my very best to keep a level head and maintain my level of sanity! I see where so many Caregivers are going through it mentality with their love ones, and I won't lie, I was too at the very beginning of this journey. I am better, but there are moments where I could just scream and trust me, I have done that. People tell me it will happen and that's okay, but I will feel bad too. Now when I do lose it, I apologize to her later once her mind has calm down. I also ask God for forgiveness too.

That may sound crazy to some, but it's about peace of mind and besides, she's my mother and yelling at her is so disrespectful, but I can't allow this disease to make me crazy too and most of all, disrespect my mother. She needs me in so many different ways. So my prayer is that she get back to a base where it is less stressful for the both of us.

Happy New Year!...