Oh, so we just going to continue this...

Yesterday and today, really made me want to up and leave. Of course my conscience won't let me, but when she get up, with the same crap she went to bed with, and I only got 3 hours of sleep, yeah I want to get the hell out of here!

To be honest, things have not been good since after her eye doctor appointment.  So I am running on fumes!! Then I have people telling me how tired I look, and turn around and say, "you need to take care of yourself". Like I don't know that, but do they offer to give me a break so that I can? Hellnaw!!! 

People just think I can drop everything and go take a nap, or go where I want, when I want. It's obvious they have no clue about dementia! Hell I don't either and each day you don't know what person is going to show up. Like this morning, the person that went to bed last night, got up this morning, a bit calmer and nicer, but still talking the stuff she was last night, and none of it made sense.

I am glad she went to bed at her normal time tonight and I got a chance to relax a bit before I go to bed. I am going to do my best to be in bed by a certain time, when she is good for the most part. I just pray, I get some help sooner than later.

I so need some rest...

What is it really...

I now wonder what I need to do to keep my mind healthy. Right now, my mother has no appetite,  so she is eating one meal a day. I believe the change in dosage of one of her medications is the cause. But looking at the side affects, it should increase her appetite! So what the hell is it then?

On the other hand, yesterday she actually ate more then she has been in the past 3 days. I guess they go in cycles of different behaviors. But it dawn on me, I need to keep Ensure for her, when she isn't eating, and when she is. To be honest, she eats like a bird, so I know she isn't getting the nourishment her body really needs, as well as resting it too.

It is like dealing with a 2 year old at times. She was in panic mode all of a sudden. In her mind, she thought we were going somewhere and I never told her that. All I did was give her an Ensure, and everything went downhill from there. It went from thing to another, and where her mind went, I needed to shut it down as quickly as it began.  I got her to lay down on the couch while I sat at one end. Can you believe she went right to sleep!  I hope I won't have to do this everyday! 😳

This disease is so cruel to them and their love ones. I have seen how napping helps her, and I hope it does this time around. It helps to give an already shrinking brain, a time to rest and reset. Each time, I think about myself and what I need to do, to keep my brain healthy, there is one thing I wish I had right now....someone to help and love me when this is all over!

I too need help...

Sleep, just want to sleep...

First off, if you find yourself caring for someone with Dementia 24/7, you can forget about sleep....at least that is how it is for me. See, I am a sleeper. I love to sleep, I love 8 to 10 hours of sleep a night. I'll be happy with 7 and a half, but living with my mom, I haven't been well rested for 8 months now.

So now, with the help of medication along with melatonin, she is getting plenty of sleep, so you would think I can too, but I can't seem to do that. I know it is because of the unknown. Early on, she would have nights where she got up in the middle of the night thinking it was morning.  Let me tell you, it was always at the times where we had somewhere to go the next morning.  

So guess what, because of that, this sound heavy sleeper, has become a light one, and I find myself checking on her whenever loud cars drive by, or the neighbors playing their music loud, and let's not mention fireworks!! The 4th of July was crazy, and scared my mother so badly, to the point she thought someone was trying to kill her!! 😢 And me, I didn't get much sleep that night either!

I thought about taking a melatonin, but I am afraid I may sleep too soundly and would miss something with her during the night. Then their are those who say, "Just take a nap when she does". Yeah right!! She has never been one to nap, so I can count on one hand how many times that has happened!!

Until I can get real help, someone(s) that are willing to give me a few hours break, I will just be sleep deprived for a long time.

Zzzzzzz...

Just thinking...

I was talking with someone and they said that it seems, cancer and dementia is run rampant in this day and time. Maybe it is, or maybe we just didn't notice until it came knocking on our door. Ny mother, who is the sweetest and most caring person I know, to have to live her final days in a world of confusion, agitation, hallucination, and so much more, is not fair!

Then I had to start looking deeper. As I look back over moments of life, I come to realize, that she lived in a world of fear and worry. A lot had happened in her life, and I realize she was hiding a lot from us. I can only imagine how much of a toll it took on her mind. I know stress and worry is a big problem and it has created mental health problems for so many.

I was telling them about I am what they call a "rainbow" baby now days. And when I looked back over the years, I just thought all that allowing me to enjoy my youth, came with a cost for her, and that is worrying about me out there enjoying my youth.

Of course parents are going to worry about their children, but when the worry continues to grow as they age into adults and beyond, I now see that became a problem. To be honest, I stop living life in my 50's because of the excessive worrying my mother was doing. Sounds crazy doesn't it? And now, here I am, 65 living with my mother, because her mind has been damaged of not taking proper care of it. She allowed the constant worrying about me, my brother and my son, to put her mind into a world of chaos.

I had decided some years ago, once I realized the level of her worrying, to only share what is necessary for her to know. Because when she knows to much, she takes it on as her own and use so much energy worrying about it, when we don't worry that much about it, because we're working to work it out.

So now, we must think before we speak. If there are problems, we keep it amongst us. Right now, a close family friend, one of her best friends, has gone on to glory. But we can't tell her. Granted, she had not talked to her in months, so the dementia helps in this case, because it's like they say, "out of sight, out of mind", and I know she will remember her, if I were to mention her name. But I know her reaction to the news, send her into a state of confusion, which brings on other negative reactions.

So please, take care of your mental health. Your mind needs rest, food and water. Don't let worry and fear take over!

Live life..

2 and a half hours...

You don't know the hell I was going through the past 5 days.  The one thing I know about this disease,  is that sleep helps the mind, and that is the same for all of us!! When the mind is tired, you mess up, and tell me I'm lying!  However, the difference between a healthy mind and one with Dementia, is that the person with a healthy mind, will shut it down and get some rest. My mother doesn't recognize that. She doesn't recognize when she is tired to the point of exhaustion.

Today, she napped for 2 1/2 hours and I managed to get 1 1/2 hour nap, the first nap in I don't know when. But the good thing for my mother, she went back to sleep, 4 hours later. My prayer is we continue this for awhile. Have you ever tried to function tired, when you're old? I'm 65 years old, and this is a lot on me. I now have to make sure to exercise my mind in some way.

I know, you probably thinking why I am excited over a nap? If you have never been in my shoes, you wouldn't understand.  See, I am a sleeper naturally.  I am use to getting up around 9am or 10am. Now I am waking up when my mother start moving around. I'm not going to tell you what time that is. But someone told me they can't understand why I just can't take a nap when I want too.  Would you go to sleep on someone who is hallucinating about wanting to go home, or trying to go out the door, because they are seeing someone outside to pick them up, and there's no one there? No, you can't turn your back on a person suffering from dementia.

Right now, I should be asleep, but I just needed to write this. I love my sleep, but I hate what my mother is going through,  so I will do what I can, to see that my mother needs are met.

Sleep does a mind good...

The 4th of July...

Before the dementia diagnosis, my mom was already scared of thunder storms and fireworks, more so as she got older. And now around 3:30am, somebody decided to fire off some fireworks that sounded like we were under attack, and it hurt my heart to hear my mother crying and calling for someone to come help her. She thought someone was shooting at her 😭 Then a few hours later, a thunderstorm came though.

Trust me, I am extremely tired and praying she will take a long nap.  But I really would like to know,  what goes on in these people minds, that fire off these things early in the morning and pretty much all day long! Grant it, I know they aren't aware of what I have to deal with, and if they knew, they wouldn't care.

Sad that people now days have no respect for people or life, and especially for those who are sick.  To hear the fear in her voice was so unnerving for me and trying to calm her wasn't too difficult. But none of this should have happened in the first place.

Yes, fireworks are illegal in the city, and has been for years, but they don't do anything about it. I am already thinking about New Years eve and how crazy that gets. I now know I have to prepare for a long night and I'm thankful it is during the week and not the weekend.

So now, I am praying the she will sleep through the madness tonight. There has been firecrackers going off, off and on today.  She has been pacing back and forth and she decided to take a nap on her own. So that is a step in the right direction.   But you know what's really crazy, these people actually shoot off fireworks year round!! And mother would always ask, "what was that?". It's like every little sound scares her.  And let's not mention cars/trucks with extremely loud music (if you want to call it that) driving through or parked or someone playing it loud from their property. 

When will the madness end...

Living Nightmare...

I have had a few nightmares in my life, both during the day and at night.  But living with someone going through dementia, is worst. Why? Because you don't know what is coming your way, the good, the bad and the ugly. Trust me, all 3 can appear at once and at any giving time.

We have had our own mood swings, and pretty much be able to change it or go lay down. But now after 7 months, I come to learn, it's not the case with a mind being destroyed by a disease, especially one that has no known cure. 

Now that I know what will dictate how the day will go, I tried to head it off before it happens.  One thing I have come to learn, my mother needs a 2 hour nap, in order to let her mind rest and reset. Anything less, yes, it is a nightmare.  And today, there was no nap. We were back to "I want to go home". Like the other day, I asked her, where do she think she is. Today she didn't know. Yes, it got to the level that pushes me to a breaking point.  I find myself yelling, screaming and more at my mother. Do I feel bad afterwards,  most times no! I know that isn't good, but when you have a person yelling at you and don't know who you are, it hurts!!

This went on until she settled down a bit. When she finally decided to go to bed, that's when I realized, she wasn't seeing me as her daughter. I have such a hard time getting pass that!  I don't like scary movies, but this is one that I need it to end. 

My life is not my own...