Taking a stand...

Well, mother is back in the hospital. Things took a turn in the wrong direction and it was very bad. Things has not been good of late, and it was getting worst each day.  I've seen in movies how people behave while in a confused state, trying to hit, bite and anything they can do to get away from you. Well I experienced it this past weekend. Although it was scary, but I manage to remain calm as best as I could, until I had to use my phone while trying to keep her safe.

I thank God for a friend of mine that works as a caregiver. If it wasn't for her, I've wouldn't have been able to get her to the hospital!  I may have said this, but Dementia is a cruel disease. This is the last thing I would have wanted for my mother in her final days.  I've questioned God as to why, then I wonder if it's for me? 

We often don't know how to let go of people, whether they are good for us or not.  As well as love ones that leave us suddenly or slowly. It is so hard to do, but why is that. Mainly it is  the fear of the unknown of their absence in our lives. I know who I am suppose to put my trust in, but doing it is often hard to do.

Today, they started my mother back on the medication that she was on the first time she was in the hospital.  Then they tell me, "well, she can go home today". I didn't hesitate to tell them no! I refused to let them punish my 92 year old mother out, not knowing if the medication will help her this time around.  I now see how God's timing works, when man says it is time, because they decided it is, but God knows the future and He had me open my month to tell them, it is not time yet.

Even while caring for love ones health, we must listen to that inner voice, that is speaking to us and wanting to guide us. That voice is of someone that knows the future, the unseen, what is waiting around the corner, preparing the way, so that things will be a little bit easier for us.

Trust God...

Waiting and waiting...

Well, the new medication is starting to kick in for mother. We had one good day, however...when it was time to get ready for bed, it was as if someone flipped the off switch on the medication.  What happens is she goes into "sundowning". It is when confusion, agitation, hallucinations and more shows up, which for me, causes a roller-coaster of emotions shooting through my body. 

I am not sure if I am waiting for it to happen, or waiting for it to just go away.  Reality is, it probably won't,  but these few days, the timing of it has become later, which is good, but not good when it happens while getting ready for bed. It brings a new set of problems for me. The one major problem is getting her to take her medication. 

It breaks my heart to watch her go through this, and emotionally, I am not strong enough to handle it. You would think I would be after all these months, but I'm not. Then I find myself yelling at her out of frustration and guilt begins to consume me. My mental health is taking a beating right now.

I am still able to run out and do a few errands every so often, and I try not to be away too long.  That too give me some time to regroup and clear my mind. I have my crafts and sometimes I am so drained physically and emotionally that I just can't do them. But I know, no matter how her day went, I must do what I need to do to release and reset my mind.  Other words, just do it!! I need to make sure I take care of me too.

Funny, I heard people saying how their family doesn't try to help.  I just knew that wouldn't be the case for me. But yet, I am still waiting for that to happen too. Didn't realize just how much waiting we do in life. And in the end, we still have to do a lot of things alone.

Something gotta give...

Can you see a brighter day?...

Today was a good day. It may not have ending the way I would have liked, but it was the first good day in over 3 months.  I got 7 and a half hours of sleep also!! I am going to count my blessings as they come.

Today she asked what does the medication that she is taking, actually do. I told her the best I could without scarring her. But I also told her, that it's up to her too, to do her best to relax, remain calm and make sure she gets enough rest, so that the medication can do what it's suppose to do.

We all have fears within us, but being with my mother these days, I have learned a lot about her mental health. I've always saw my mother as a very strong woman. I also saw her as a example of the Proverbs 31 woman ("Who can find a virtuous and capable wife? She is more precious than rubies" Proverbs 31:10 NLT)  Yes, my father provided for us, but my mother made everything happen for us a children.

She made sure all our days were sunny and bright. Now I need to do the same for her. I really don't know how to do it, especially when I'm not sure how each day is going to be. I can't wait for our weather finally decide what it wants to do. Then I can get her out to maybe walk a bit, driving around and other things.

I will say this, I am so glad she gave up driving months before all of this happened. Things could be not so good if she were able to get behind the wheel. When God wants to slow you down, or stop you, trust me, He will put something in front of you to slow you down or stop you. But our crazy butts, will ignore it, keep going and end up in a bad place.

I am going to soak in all the bright days I can get, and not allow the overcast days to derail me.  That is my plan, but I am human, and we get caught off guard and it will happen. But am going to start looking for the bright spots in everyday, from this point on!

Yes I can...

How quickly I forget...

I was raised in church, and with that being said, I learned about, I heard about and I saw the results of the power of prayer.  I know not everyone is spiritual and there are those who believe in a higher power. Whatever the case maybe, I realize I wasn't doing what my father and grandmother taught me...go to God in prayer.

Last night, was a much better night for my mother. The confusion was lower then it had been and I thank God for that. She slept well too. Tonight was a bit higher then last night, but God reminded me of the things to do that I was told by other caregivers. It helped a lot, and somethings I think added to those confused moments.  I found myself a few times getting frustrated,  but I remembered where my help comes from and things changed a bit.

"Take delight in the Lord,and he will give you your heart’s desires." Psalm 37:4 NLT.  I know what this scripture is saying, but I also know if it is His will for your life. My desire is for my mother to be made whole again, healed from this terrible disease! But if this is God's will for her, then there is nothing I can do to change it.

But one bright light on today, mother remembered something from her childhood, that helped me understand why she was doing a lot of things that was so strange to me. Mainly hiding her things and putting her clothes into plastic bags. But after that conversation, things began switching back and forth from reality to a confused state.

It is so cruel how this disease robs a person of their mental health. And seeing it up close and personal is heartbreaking.  I commend those individuals who has the desire to help those with Dementia and Alzheimer. It isn't just the elderly that has this, it has affected younger individuals too. But like I mentioned before, our mental health is so important and we must take care of our mind too.

Crafting calms my mind...

Trying not to give up...

It's crazy how I was just thrown into being a caregiver for my mother.  What I mean is, while in the hospital, they informed me of her condition, with no time to process, because they needed to know if she will go home or to a facility (at the time I didn't know what that meant). Then they informed me that since she is medically stable, they will be releasing her and will need to know who will be staying with her? Wait! What? Staying with her? I automatically knew it would be me, but now I need to know for how long and I have a house of my own. And witnessing how she has been in the hospital, has it gone away now??

In my heart of hearts, I knew there is no cure for Dementia, but why my mother? Why live this long, to have such a cruel disease be the reason you will leave this earth, possibly not recognizing your family, not recognizing me!!

It has been 4 months since we found out what mother is going through. What I have experienced with her, has been very unsettling and most of all frighten for me. I have no clue when things, or I should say her mind will switch on me. When it does, it breaks my heart.

Take tonight, with the help and advice from a friend, who works as a caregiver, she schooled me on mother's behavior in this moment.  She and my brother gave me advice and I was a bit afraid to do it, but I got the courage. See, she goes to bed between 6 and 7pm, but tonight, her mind was so tired that confusion and hallucinations started,  along with angry, stubbornness and yelling, oh, let's not forget defiant too. This went on for 4 1/2 hours, so the issue was getting her to go to bed. But all she wanted to do is get her things and leave. She couldn't see she was home, nor see me as her daughter. I did as they both said, then my mother saw me and I was able to get her to go to bed.

Dementia is robbing me of my mother, my best friend.  Now I truly need the Lord to help me through this.  But I do thank Him for placing people in my life at the right time, because He knows I can't do this by myself.

Thank you Lord...

Up and down, down and up...

A friend from church told me, "you have to change your mindset, and remember, it's the disease and not her". Easier said then done, especially when in the down moments.  

I feel like I'm on a roller-coaster all the time! Last night, it was a long drop down, that lasted 7 hours. Then I realized, my mother had been awake for 17 hours. Way to long for a 92 year old. I rarely use the word hate, but I hate this disease called Dementia and what it does to our love ones.  And with my mother, she has hallucinations. So her mind never got to rest and reset during the day, so she was seeing things that was not there, along with not knowing where she was. But the worst of all of this, she wasn't seeing me!

That is why this thing is such a roller-coaster,  one moment all is good, and then it's like someone flipped a switch and you are in the middle of confusion, chaos and who knows what else.  I know there is no cure, but to have your love one not recognizing you is a hurtful feeling that is hard to shake. 

Now I'm not sure if you are a believer as you read this, but I have never forgotten this scripture when I learned of it as a child, "If a woman whose husband has died has children or grandchildren, they are the ones to care for her. In that way, they can pay back to their parents the kindness that has been shown to them. God is pleased when this is done." 1 Timothy:5.4 (NLV)  

So here I am, doing the best I can to honor both my mother and the Lord. I know I need to lean and depend on Him to help me through this, but in my head, why couldn't some prepare me first. Instead I was blindsided and thrown into this thing, without any preparation or knowledge of what it truly is. I suppose, no one is truly prepared for the ups and downs of life. I just need to learn and remember who I need to call on first in all my life situations. 

Lord I need you now...

A Dream or Reality...

 

When this all began with my mother, I felt as if I was in a movie. Like, is this really happening and how is she really feeling at the time.  How does anyone feel with a life changing illness. And to know that she won't be coming back from this, hurts a lot!  She told me once, that she hope she goes in her sleep. I prayed that the Lord would honor that request, but I didn't want it to be because of Dementia!

In a dream, she wouldn't have Dementia. She would be living the rest of her life bowling and going to church. Me, I would probably be doing the same, but also being with friends having fun. In a dream, there wouldn't be anything holding us back from enjoying life to the fullest. Although my mother is 92, she likes to have fun and being around her family as much as she can.

However in reality, Dementia has found its way into our lives, robbing us of the fun we use to have. Robbed us of being comfortable going places, and not wanting to go to new places. Reality is, where my life should be enjoying life to the fullest, it is now taking care of my mother, the best way I know how. Thing is, I really don't know how, but I am trying.

Sadness is becoming a part of my world, especially when confusion and anxiety shows up! Like tonight, it was the worst I have seen her. God knew what was coming, because my brother called her a few minutes after it began. Of course he and his daughter (my niece) came to help.  I don't know how it would have gone, if they weren't there with me. I have to do most of the caring by myself, only because, I am the only one in the family not working.  And trust me, I know I need to be working!!

But why is this disease robbing us of our love ones? Why and how did it begin? Being here with my mother, I've learned that she worries a lot. Of course with worry comes fear and anxiety. And this has been with her my entire lifetime I am starting to learn, and it goes back way before I was born.  So my thought pattern is, have all this worrying, living with fear, anxiety and who knows what else.  Has it slowly taken a toll on her mind over the years? 

I now understand when Drew Carey on The Price Is Right, tells us to "take care of your mental health".  He's not lying and I know I am taking it to heart! Crafting is my mental break time. It helps me to shift my focus so I can relax my mind.  I thank God for redirecting me in this manner,  because if He hadn't, I may not be able to do what I currently doing for her.

I'm here momma...