Why...

Do you wonder why certain things happen to you or someone you know? Why do some get cancer, MS, lupus, Dementia?  We always say that God doesn't make mistakes. Of course I haven't found those words in the scripture,  but if He isn't a man that He should lie (Numbers 23:19), then why would He make mistakes.

I do believe everything happens for a reason, and doing this time with my mother, I am coming to realize, there is something deep within her, that is coming to the surface.  Dementia is a cruel disease,  but I am starting to believe God has me with her for a reason, and although I am having major issues handling all of this, after today, I realize I need to pay close attention.  I need to except that this really happening to my mother.

After talking with others who has walked this road with love ones, a few told me they learned more about them during their illness, then before it. She keeps wanting to go home, even though she is home, but in those moments, she doesn't recognize her home.  Then there are people and children that she sees. More and more, I notice the people are workers/owners and I have no clue about the children.

Hallucinations are real! To watch someone seeing others is scary, but I realize that maybe I need to be present in those moments with her?  I know we all have things in our past that we want, and maybe need to stay in our past. But those things that has cause us emotional pain/trauma, well maybe we should talk to someone to let it out, in words, to have peace in our lives.

As children, my mother would take me and my brother different places to have fun, and often times, take a few of our neighbor friends with us. To me that was normal, but maybe it meant something else to my mother. I've seen the photos of them having fun, but what was really happening behind the photos. Who knows what all they seen and experience, growing up in the 30's, 40's and 50's. Whatever it was, it did scar my mother.

Stop holding it in...

No Place like Home...

My mother spent a week in the hospital.  Of course she doesn't remember what happened that put her there. To be honest, she doesn't remember being there. She only been home 3 days now, and seem to be more confused now, then before what happened to her. I just wish I could forget that day!!!

I will say, I am sleeping better since she's been home, and I didn't sleep well while she was gone. Now that is crazy, but I now realize, it was because she was in the hospital, so I could have gotten a phone call during the night. Yes, I did check my phone several times during the night too.

I am doing my best to remain calm during her sundowning moments. And there is no telling when it could start, but it can/does happens during the early part of the day too. The key is redirecting her during her confused moments and I am not good at that. First thing this morning,  I had to go sit in my car in order to not get so upset that I say the wrong thing, in the wrong way.  Often times I have to call my brother to help via phone. And I begin to stress when I can't reach him.

Now that I am going through this, my heart goes out to those who have to do it alone. I am semi alone, and most of it is totally overwhelming.  What hurt the most is when she says "I want to go home".  We are "hone" and no matter what I say, she doesn't believe me. Last night I was calm in telling her, but I still need my brother help to get her to go to bed.

Anxiety always hit me at bedtime with her. I am on pins and needles until she is actually in bed! I should not be feeling this way. I should have a better handle on this. I was giving a link to videos to help caregivers of Dementia people, and I will start watching some, that the doctor suggested on the UCLA health site for caregiver training. I must learn more about how to care for my mother. I truly do not know how long I will be able to do this, but I do need to be better equipped.

This is so cruel...

Taking a stand...

Well, mother is back in the hospital. Things took a turn in the wrong direction and it was very bad. Things has not been good of late, and it was getting worst each day.  I've seen in movies how people behave while in a confused state, trying to hit, bite and anything they can do to get away from you. Well I experienced it this past weekend. Although it was scary, but I manage to remain calm as best as I could, until I had to use my phone while trying to keep her safe.

I thank God for a friend of mine that works as a caregiver. If it wasn't for her, I've wouldn't have been able to get her to the hospital!  I may have said this, but Dementia is a cruel disease. This is the last thing I would have wanted for my mother in her final days.  I've questioned God as to why, then I wonder if it's for me? 

We often don't know how to let go of people, whether they are good for us or not.  As well as love ones that leave us suddenly or slowly. It is so hard to do, but why is that. Mainly it is  the fear of the unknown of their absence in our lives. I know who I am suppose to put my trust in, but doing it is often hard to do.

Today, they started my mother back on the medication that she was on the first time she was in the hospital.  Then they tell me, "well, she can go home today". I didn't hesitate to tell them no! I refused to let them punish my 92 year old mother out, not knowing if the medication will help her this time around.  I now see how God's timing works, when man says it is time, because they decided it is, but God knows the future and He had me open my month to tell them, it is not time yet.

Even while caring for love ones health, we must listen to that inner voice, that is speaking to us and wanting to guide us. That voice is of someone that knows the future, the unseen, what is waiting around the corner, preparing the way, so that things will be a little bit easier for us.

Trust God...

Waiting and waiting...

Well, the new medication is starting to kick in for mother. We had one good day, however...when it was time to get ready for bed, it was as if someone flipped the off switch on the medication.  What happens is she goes into "sundowning". It is when confusion, agitation, hallucinations and more shows up, which for me, causes a roller-coaster of emotions shooting through my body. 

I am not sure if I am waiting for it to happen, or waiting for it to just go away.  Reality is, it probably won't,  but these few days, the timing of it has become later, which is good, but not good when it happens while getting ready for bed. It brings a new set of problems for me. The one major problem is getting her to take her medication. 

It breaks my heart to watch her go through this, and emotionally, I am not strong enough to handle it. You would think I would be after all these months, but I'm not. Then I find myself yelling at her out of frustration and guilt begins to consume me. My mental health is taking a beating right now.

I am still able to run out and do a few errands every so often, and I try not to be away too long.  That too give me some time to regroup and clear my mind. I have my crafts and sometimes I am so drained physically and emotionally that I just can't do them. But I know, no matter how her day went, I must do what I need to do to release and reset my mind.  Other words, just do it!! I need to make sure I take care of me too.

Funny, I heard people saying how their family doesn't try to help.  I just knew that wouldn't be the case for me. But yet, I am still waiting for that to happen too. Didn't realize just how much waiting we do in life. And in the end, we still have to do a lot of things alone.

Something gotta give...

Can you see a brighter day?...

Today was a good day. It may not have ending the way I would have liked, but it was the first good day in over 3 months.  I got 7 and a half hours of sleep also!! I am going to count my blessings as they come.

Today she asked what does the medication that she is taking, actually do. I told her the best I could without scarring her. But I also told her, that it's up to her too, to do her best to relax, remain calm and make sure she gets enough rest, so that the medication can do what it's suppose to do.

We all have fears within us, but being with my mother these days, I have learned a lot about her mental health. I've always saw my mother as a very strong woman. I also saw her as a example of the Proverbs 31 woman ("Who can find a virtuous and capable wife? She is more precious than rubies" Proverbs 31:10 NLT)  Yes, my father provided for us, but my mother made everything happen for us a children.

She made sure all our days were sunny and bright. Now I need to do the same for her. I really don't know how to do it, especially when I'm not sure how each day is going to be. I can't wait for our weather finally decide what it wants to do. Then I can get her out to maybe walk a bit, driving around and other things.

I will say this, I am so glad she gave up driving months before all of this happened. Things could be not so good if she were able to get behind the wheel. When God wants to slow you down, or stop you, trust me, He will put something in front of you to slow you down or stop you. But our crazy butts, will ignore it, keep going and end up in a bad place.

I am going to soak in all the bright days I can get, and not allow the overcast days to derail me.  That is my plan, but I am human, and we get caught off guard and it will happen. But am going to start looking for the bright spots in everyday, from this point on!

Yes I can...

How quickly I forget...

I was raised in church, and with that being said, I learned about, I heard about and I saw the results of the power of prayer.  I know not everyone is spiritual and there are those who believe in a higher power. Whatever the case maybe, I realize I wasn't doing what my father and grandmother taught me...go to God in prayer.

Last night, was a much better night for my mother. The confusion was lower then it had been and I thank God for that. She slept well too. Tonight was a bit higher then last night, but God reminded me of the things to do that I was told by other caregivers. It helped a lot, and somethings I think added to those confused moments.  I found myself a few times getting frustrated,  but I remembered where my help comes from and things changed a bit.

"Take delight in the Lord,and he will give you your heart’s desires." Psalm 37:4 NLT.  I know what this scripture is saying, but I also know if it is His will for your life. My desire is for my mother to be made whole again, healed from this terrible disease! But if this is God's will for her, then there is nothing I can do to change it.

But one bright light on today, mother remembered something from her childhood, that helped me understand why she was doing a lot of things that was so strange to me. Mainly hiding her things and putting her clothes into plastic bags. But after that conversation, things began switching back and forth from reality to a confused state.

It is so cruel how this disease robs a person of their mental health. And seeing it up close and personal is heartbreaking.  I commend those individuals who has the desire to help those with Dementia and Alzheimer. It isn't just the elderly that has this, it has affected younger individuals too. But like I mentioned before, our mental health is so important and we must take care of our mind too.

Crafting calms my mind...

Trying not to give up...

It's crazy how I was just thrown into being a caregiver for my mother.  What I mean is, while in the hospital, they informed me of her condition, with no time to process, because they needed to know if she will go home or to a facility (at the time I didn't know what that meant). Then they informed me that since she is medically stable, they will be releasing her and will need to know who will be staying with her? Wait! What? Staying with her? I automatically knew it would be me, but now I need to know for how long and I have a house of my own. And witnessing how she has been in the hospital, has it gone away now??

In my heart of hearts, I knew there is no cure for Dementia, but why my mother? Why live this long, to have such a cruel disease be the reason you will leave this earth, possibly not recognizing your family, not recognizing me!!

It has been 4 months since we found out what mother is going through. What I have experienced with her, has been very unsettling and most of all frighten for me. I have no clue when things, or I should say her mind will switch on me. When it does, it breaks my heart.

Take tonight, with the help and advice from a friend, who works as a caregiver, she schooled me on mother's behavior in this moment.  She and my brother gave me advice and I was a bit afraid to do it, but I got the courage. See, she goes to bed between 6 and 7pm, but tonight, her mind was so tired that confusion and hallucinations started,  along with angry, stubbornness and yelling, oh, let's not forget defiant too. This went on for 4 1/2 hours, so the issue was getting her to go to bed. But all she wanted to do is get her things and leave. She couldn't see she was home, nor see me as her daughter. I did as they both said, then my mother saw me and I was able to get her to go to bed.

Dementia is robbing me of my mother, my best friend.  Now I truly need the Lord to help me through this.  But I do thank Him for placing people in my life at the right time, because He knows I can't do this by myself.

Thank you Lord...