Transparent Moment: Happy Birthday Face!

Today is the most important day of my life! It was on a Sunday 45 years ago, that the greatest love of my life, came into the world. I really didn't know just how must I needed him then.

You see, I didn't want children and people are still surprised about that. Not sure why.  I know people feel that it is a woman's duty to have children, but I know scripture wise, there are those who purpose is to be single, so they can do the work of the Lord (1 Corinthians 7:34).

This now grown man, brought into my life unconditional love 45 years ago. Now I'm not saying my parents didn't give me love, but I am now the parent who is feeling the love a child gives you. I have to remind myself that I did not want a child and did everything you can do, to make sure that didn't happen. Well, we now know I totally failed! But God had a different plan and knew I needed him, in so many different ways.

One thing I do remember, when I heard his first cry, all I went through before that moment disappeared and was replaced with a love I can not explain. Today is his 45th birth date, and I still pray to God to continue to keep him safe and protected, and He has not failed me in that pray!!

Happy Birthday my Face! 🎂🎉🎁

Nights like this...

If only the sound of rain could quite the strom going on in my mother's mind. I wish I could say or do something to take away those dreams that give her nightmares. Most will recognize when their dreaming, but I am quickly learning with mother, she doesn't know a dream from reality.

It is happening more with her crying out, painful moans and yelling. I whisper a prayer for her and things quite down quickly. However, a few nights ago was the first time she woke up thinking she needed to do something to keep us safe.

Since staying with my mother, I have become a light sleeper and thankful for floors that are creaky. It's my alarm alerting she is up and moving. At least she has doctors that I can message about things and this is very new and I will need more advice as to what to do for her. I know they want her to have good sleep and she has, but lately her sleep has been interrupted and not taking a nap means she is exhausted at bed time.

I know how it feels trying to get restful sleep when exhausted...you can't. I spent a year on nights, 12 shifts and I felt like I was drunk every single day! It was my doctor who was concern about my extremely low blood count. When I told him my situation, he told me that I was suffering from exhaustion and all I was doing was passing out every morning when I went to bed. When my doctor told me, if I were in an accident and got cut, I wouldn't make it. Trust me, that was my last time working nights!

That is my biggest fear, if my mother does not get the proper sleep her body needs, her mind wouldn't be able to function enough to keep her stable.

Dementia sucks...

Transparent Moment: Can We Talk

Since living back home with my mother, oftentimes I am unable to talk via phone with friends openly. Mother is always ear hustling and there were times I would say something, and she would think I am talking about her, but that would not be the case. Trust me, once it's stuck in her head, she focus on it so much that her brain starts becoming confused and hallucinations start up. It's crazy how fragile the brain is if we not treating it right.

Now my main source of communication is texting. That is good for it keeps mother calm, but on the other hand, translation get lost on the person who is reading it. Recently, my brother share on social about our situation with mother and to read it, some got the impression that he doesn't help me at all, but that's not the case. So I ended up explaining to a family friend who read it, what he was saying and what is going on, it was then they understood.

There is so many draw backs to the texting, one is when they text me, asking "how is things going today?", and I text back, but don't get a response back at all, or hours later. That is when I get into my feelings. Yeah I know things may come up on their end, but the way my life is now, texting is my main form of communication and keeping me hanging is not good. Then my mind start over thinking, which is what my mother does, so I need to break myself of that. I do make necessary calls, but to just chat, I have to wait until mother has gone to bed for the day.

Yes, living with a person with Dementia, truly is like living with a child again a lot of times. They tell me over time it will get worst, but I pray that the Lord will be merciful and allow it to be bearable for the both of us.

66 and 1 year...

Today is my birthday and 1 year since I been back home taking care of my mom. Believe it or not, I have celebrated my birthday once in my adult life, and that was with co-workers. The craziest part is, when I was in a relationship, they would ghost me from Thanksgiving until the day after new year, or never to be heard from again. Of course the ones who had the nerve to contact me after, were in for a rude awakening.

So now, I really don't know how to feel about my day of birth. Don't get me wrong, I am truly grateful that God has allowed me to see another day, but everyone would like to celebrate their birthday with family and friends. On the flip side, I'll be lucky if anyone (other the my son) remember it's my birthday.

I often wondered, did they celebrate birthdays before Christ was born?  And why do we have parties for our birthdays? I am only saying this because, I've only seen pictures of one party for me when I was around 12 years old. So apparently, it wasn't as important to them, because the celebrations stop and I never thought about until my adult years and seeing people out enjoying their birthday with family and friends.

So now, I am spending my days caring for my mother. I been living with her a year now today. Yes, I started this journey with her on my birthday. It makes me sad and come to except two things, 1) I love my mom and now my life is to care for her and keep her safe. 2) I am going to stop waiting for someone to want to do something for me on my birthday. To me it is no fun doing it yourself alone, at least that's how I feel about. I can pretty much count on one hand how many will actually remember today's my birthday, without me saying it's my birthday!

There is one thing that truly hurts, it's that my mother won't remember that today is the day, her baby girl came into her life, because of dementia.

Dementia sucks...

What you see, is what you get...

It's starting to seem that Sundays is the day that's like a box of chocolate.  I really don't know what is going to happen with my mother.  Starts off good, but once she watches the church service live on YouTube, that is when you don't know what you're going to get afterwards.

I knew what happens when my brother and a  family friend stays with her, but I thought it would be different with me being with her today. Guess I was wrong! When she watches the church service on YouTube, I guess she thinks she is there. So when it is over, she believe it is time for us to go home. I do let her know she is at home, but not in her mind.

So I decided to go out and get the 8 inches of snow off my car, in order to change the subject. It worked for a bit, then she felt I been out there to long, got nervous and her anxiety kicked in, and guess who was yelling for me to come inside....🤦🏾‍♀️ The same thing happen when I was on the upper porch moving that snow off of it too.

They tell us to redirect them when these things happen, so I suggested a movie to watch, and she doesn't watch them, but she liked my suggestion, so we watched War Room. I was surprised when she clapped at the end of the movie. But right after, we were back to wanting to go home again! I can't win for losing.

My new reality is getting up each morning, not knowing what to expect when "she" gets up. It is so hard to prepare and I guess I truly can not anymore. Because the person who goes to bed at night, may not be the same person that wakes up the next day!!

Dementia sucks...

Turn off the lights...

With a day full of laughter and light conversation, I sometimes hate to see the night coming. Yes, she still goes through sundowning, and most times it isn't that bad. Last night it was rough, but I thank God it didn't last long, just a little over an hour.

I think about asking my doctor if I should start taking some type of vitamin for brain health. I am working hard not to let what my mother is going through to affect me. I've seen to many Caregivers post about being depressed and isolated from the world. There are those who feel like they are losing their minds, and I don't want to feel that way.

Granted, I don't get to do much, and then again I haven't done to much of anything before my mother's diagnosis. Anytime I would go somewhere or think about going somewhere, she would start to worrying to the point that I would change my mind and not go. It was so bad, that when I did go, she wouldn't go to bed until she knew I was back home safe. I can understand the worrying if I was like in my 20's, but this was happening up until I started staying with her...and I will be 66 next month!!! The real breaking point for me was when I was at a game night with people we both knew. At 9:30pm, my phone rang and I panic a bit, because it was my mother. She was calling to see if I was at home yet! Trust me, they teased the mess out of me after that call.

So now, although I am with her, there are moments that she sees me as someone else and won't go to bed until I come home. It happens during the day too, and I then have to figure out how to get her to see me again. Trying to move differently now is a challenge and lying 75% of the time is not me. Granted we all lie here and there,  but now, it is like a requirement!

Come on morning...

It's Morning...

I gauge the day each morning on how my mother greets me when we are up for the day. Sad to say, most morning she greets in a way that I realize she is not seeing. That is one of the reality of this disease. But lately, she greets me with, "morning daughter" and that does my heart good!

One good thing about mornings now, is like at the beginning of staying with her, I can good and run errands early mornings and trust me, I do check in on her with the camera while I'm away.  I believe I mention how she has left the house twice on a Sunday morning, so that is always in my mind now when I leave. But I am calmer when I know she sees me before I leave.

However, yesterday day morning, I needed to go and return an item, and normally, I do my best to not leave two or more days in a row, but it will happen I suppose. The suprise was when I got back. Now I did check the camera before I headed back, and saw she was at the kitchen counter, and I assume she was fixing a bowl of cereal. Well, I walked in and she was at the table, eating scrambled eggs with toast and jelly. She looks at me and said, "I wanted something different, so I made some cheese eggs". I just gave her a high five!

You see with a dementia mind in its early stage, they forget how to do certain things off and on, but you won't know right away what those things are. With my mother, she kept telling me how she doesn't remember how to turn the stove on, and glad I'm her to do it. But in order to cook eggs, she knew how to turn it on. Interesting isn't it? But later I realize, the side of the stove she cooks on, is the side she always used. But the other side with the coffee pot, she doesn't remember how to turn it on. And we all know they turn on the same way.  Just think, 11 months ago, she couldn't remember how to use the stove. So yes, things will come back one day, and gone the next.

I am thankful for all these better days we are having of later. There is still confusion and hallucinations within the days, but much fewer then before. How long this will last? I have no clue, but I'm going to take it one day at a time.

Calmness. ..